(no subject)
i am now about to shed some much needed light on how to go about entertaining one's self at a tacky wedding (cos if you suspect the wedding will be ridiculous, the chances are you are right..so its only wise to be prepared)
actually, scrap that, i can offer no advice on the actual wedding part, other than bite your lip, pick a spot on the carpet and stare at it manically...oh, and try to dodge the twat with the video camera, cos u really dont wanna be caught on video pissing yourself laughing...
however i do have some relevant advice on the wedding reception side of things:
1) as soon as you reach the reception destination, hit the bar. you will be sur[rised at what a drink can do for you after your recent trauma, and god knows yu deserve it
2) try to avoid the newly weds, but if you are unfortunate enough to cross their path, do try to congratulate them with a straight face...
3) dont dance till much later on in the evening cos the twat is still sober enough to use the video camera, and dancing is another thing you dont want to be seen doing, i dont care how pissed you might be in comparison with your company
4) dont try any wedding cake, its destined to be cheap and fruit like
5) the above goes for the free champagne too, cos as well as cheap, it'll be flat
6)one things settle a bit (ie when the children stop aeroplaning arond the room and everyone is a bit "merry") get yourself some helium balloons, in weddings such as these you will usually find them in copious amounts, liberally distributed around the room disguised as decorations.
7) suck these helium in large doses and sing danny boy
8) by the time the helium sucking is over, its time to dance, cos everyone is pissed and the twat with the video camera is now too distracted with his newly acquired mail order bride
9) request thin lizzy's "whiskey in the jar" and the grease megamix
10) DONT dance to the time warp with the bride, its just wrong, and i have learnt my lesson
11) after cascading around the dancefloor with a fag in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, make your way to some form of watering hole..be it a sink, a toilet, or in my case a water fountain, and proceed to dip your feet in it. there is no need to remove shoes, and by now you should not be able to anyway cos it is around this stage when the double vision sets in. its extremely liberating and prepares you somewhat for point number 12
12)talking to someones pissed dad. just dont do it. speaking from experience, you will end up debating cars and have your chest stared at before his wife comes and drags him back to the party (cos the dads tend to mill around just outside the party venue..im convinced this is to prey on women going to and fro the toilets, so if needs be, just piss yourself)
i think thats just about it for my rant, but if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in such a situation, i hope this has prepared you somewhat.
actually, scrap that, i can offer no advice on the actual wedding part, other than bite your lip, pick a spot on the carpet and stare at it manically...oh, and try to dodge the twat with the video camera, cos u really dont wanna be caught on video pissing yourself laughing...
however i do have some relevant advice on the wedding reception side of things:
1) as soon as you reach the reception destination, hit the bar. you will be sur[rised at what a drink can do for you after your recent trauma, and god knows yu deserve it
2) try to avoid the newly weds, but if you are unfortunate enough to cross their path, do try to congratulate them with a straight face...
3) dont dance till much later on in the evening cos the twat is still sober enough to use the video camera, and dancing is another thing you dont want to be seen doing, i dont care how pissed you might be in comparison with your company
4) dont try any wedding cake, its destined to be cheap and fruit like
5) the above goes for the free champagne too, cos as well as cheap, it'll be flat
6)one things settle a bit (ie when the children stop aeroplaning arond the room and everyone is a bit "merry") get yourself some helium balloons, in weddings such as these you will usually find them in copious amounts, liberally distributed around the room disguised as decorations.
7) suck these helium in large doses and sing danny boy
8) by the time the helium sucking is over, its time to dance, cos everyone is pissed and the twat with the video camera is now too distracted with his newly acquired mail order bride
9) request thin lizzy's "whiskey in the jar" and the grease megamix
10) DONT dance to the time warp with the bride, its just wrong, and i have learnt my lesson
11) after cascading around the dancefloor with a fag in one hand and a glass of wine in the other, make your way to some form of watering hole..be it a sink, a toilet, or in my case a water fountain, and proceed to dip your feet in it. there is no need to remove shoes, and by now you should not be able to anyway cos it is around this stage when the double vision sets in. its extremely liberating and prepares you somewhat for point number 12
12)talking to someones pissed dad. just dont do it. speaking from experience, you will end up debating cars and have your chest stared at before his wife comes and drags him back to the party (cos the dads tend to mill around just outside the party venue..im convinced this is to prey on women going to and fro the toilets, so if needs be, just piss yourself)
i think thats just about it for my rant, but if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in such a situation, i hope this has prepared you somewhat.