(no subject)
fuckin a
i cant let myself be happy can i. i just cant! it doesnt matter what! im happy for one fucking second...and BAM my supid fucking "negative energy" (which i guess i do have) kicks in and its like oo damn leah cant be happy no. i cant FUCKING LET MYSELF BE HAPPY!!!! why does EVERYTHING have to mean something! let me tell you why- it doesnt! im just stupid and attention starved and shit that i want myself to be suffering. i can deal with suffering. i know what to do i know how suffering feels (well no i dont but i know how being unhappy feels). i guess i dont remember how happy feels. why cant i just be little again. i was so happy when i was little. all i had to worry about was who i would sit by at lunch and whether i should get chocolate or white milk. (back when it was 30 cents. what the hell its like 60 now) now i never talk to my best friend, the person i thought was my best friend isnt....and im all alone. and fuck what you say i know im not but i cant help it if thats how i feel. im trying to not feel that way but i cant! i just cant! its too hard to do right now it has to be a slow change! and i cant do it alone! but im having to because im too damn scared to let anyone in cause im too damn scared of rejection that id rather be negative and unhappy then risk the chance of getting hurt. and i just want someone to tell me that ill be ok. and i want to believe them. but i dont think that will happen. i want.... i want to be happy.
excuse me i have to cry.
i cant let myself be happy can i. i just cant! it doesnt matter what! im happy for one fucking second...and BAM my supid fucking "negative energy" (which i guess i do have) kicks in and its like oo damn leah cant be happy no. i cant FUCKING LET MYSELF BE HAPPY!!!! why does EVERYTHING have to mean something! let me tell you why- it doesnt! im just stupid and attention starved and shit that i want myself to be suffering. i can deal with suffering. i know what to do i know how suffering feels (well no i dont but i know how being unhappy feels). i guess i dont remember how happy feels. why cant i just be little again. i was so happy when i was little. all i had to worry about was who i would sit by at lunch and whether i should get chocolate or white milk. (back when it was 30 cents. what the hell its like 60 now) now i never talk to my best friend, the person i thought was my best friend isnt....and im all alone. and fuck what you say i know im not but i cant help it if thats how i feel. im trying to not feel that way but i cant! i just cant! its too hard to do right now it has to be a slow change! and i cant do it alone! but im having to because im too damn scared to let anyone in cause im too damn scared of rejection that id rather be negative and unhappy then risk the chance of getting hurt. and i just want someone to tell me that ill be ok. and i want to believe them. but i dont think that will happen. i want.... i want to be happy.
excuse me i have to cry.