(no subject)
everybody is getting under my skin lately. you do not even know. like, i want to fucking murder everyone i come in contact with. mitch & i fight like every single day because either a) he's just being a jerk or b) i'm being a bitch. ever since this whole fight thing with his grandmother i've been totally out of whack. i just have no patience for anyone right now & don't even think before i spew things out of my mouth. usually i won't say anything to anybody, but lately i just don't care who the fuck you are i'll tear your head off for you regardless. poor mitchie gets the worse of it all, but he instigates too. even though he doesn't think he does.
lately he's really been on me about money. i realize its crunch time & i'm trying to move out but like he keeps just shooting everything i do down. & then he goes on about how if i can't control my spending i'll never be able to survive on my own & just shit like that really upsets me cuz its coming from him, ya kno? maybe if i wasn't doing this all on my own it'd be easier, & then he goes to me "don't think i'm going to be your cash cow, cuz you're not getting any money from me" UGH he just makes me so mad sometimes. everything is just so fucking easy for him & i just fuck everything i touch. i'm so tired of everything being so easy for everybody but me. i have him on my back, & my dad, & my mom. & i'm just so tired of having everybody all over my fucking back. i wish they'd just leave me alone. i'll snap on mitch & then he'll get all snippy & be like "fine, i won't care about it anymore" & just ughh. i don't even know what i'm trying to say.
he's trying to help & motivate me but its just not helping right now. it's just making me feel even fucking worse about myself. he has it in his head that i should stay home now until i'm done school. unlike some people, that's not an option for me. so he's like "well, your parents aren't seriously going to kick you out if you have no place to go." ughhh. i don't know where i'm going with any of this.
i wish things were just different, you know. circumstances were different. decisions i've made were different. opinions of me were different. i just fucking hate myself right now. i'm ugh. i don't even know where to begin. i feel ugly. like really fucking ugly. i've worn my hair in a bun for weeks now, i haven't put any makeup on in forever. my clothes are wrinkly. my jacket is filthy. i just fucking hate myself lately.
i'm a mess.
& this update was fucking pointless.