: - ) a pimp
=) =) . . . it's all okay. right now i'm fighting not crying, well now im just smiling, kind of at peace . . .was fightig not crying- lily printed me out a poem ryan wrote and put in his profile. . i am assuming it's about me, i mean, kinda has to be, right? well, neway =) . . . *breathe in, deep breath out* it seems to define his confusion, and love. . .i guess what i could tell him is that everyone has doubts, but life is a game of chance, where would we get if we didnt take any risks? I could promise him that I am not going to hurt him, and I could say that regardless of what happens, i will always be there for him, and we will always be friends . . but no matter what i tell him, he needs to figure out and understand for himself. I'm moving to New York in eleven days, and honestly i can't wait. I am dying to see him, to just run up to him and hug him. No matter how many times i try and relay to him all he has done for me, he will never fully understand. This past week, week and a half, whatever it has been, I've tried backing off of him. I came up with the idea of going bowling the first night me n lily are up in NY so that I could hang out with Ryan without putting pressure on him. I guess that I needed time to steel myself because if I get up there and he doesnt want to be with me anymore, it'll wrench my heart out of my chest. If that does happen, I will need a little while to get used to it, and things will be awkward for me because the rules will have changed, but after that, we'll be fine. I never want to lose him and I guess i am afraid that if I dont back off and let him be, let him figure out what he wants, then I will lose him completely - I love him. I only want him to be happy - if that means we stay friends, then so be it, that is what happens . . .above all my plans to harden myself and back off, underneath I'm still crossing my fingers and hoping that he'll at least give "us" a chance . . .if we get together, i can guarantee we'll have rough patches, and i guarantee that there will be points where one of us or even both of us will want to give up and call it quits, but i also guarantee that if i dont at least try, then it will be one of the biggest regrets I will ever have, so I have decided that if I do get up there, and he decides he doesn't want to be together, then i will put myself out there for rejection, as hard as it is going to be for me, and tell him some of this. I think that maybe he's confused and it says in one of the lines "He can't decide the risk to take,/He is afraid to lose someting so close" . . if it is a question of losing me or hurting me, he wont ever lose me . . he has been a driving force in my life since i met him. I think that as long as both of us give each other a chance, we'll be fine, great, actually. The fears that he seems to have, i have as well - what if i hurt him? what if i dont really love him and i dont know what love is? should i have a relationship with him because he is the only one with the ability to truly hurt me and will he? what if in the end things dont work out and i lose his friendship? I want to be able to lie in his arms and talk to him . . hopefully that will happen, and if not, then i will still have him in my life and he will be happy, and that is all that matters to me. =)