Thoughts on the edge of my tongue, chasing my worries away....
So another update.
I will be honest, I have no idea what I am going to write about here. I just... have been gripped with the urge at work lately that "I should write in my livejournal" so I am hoping that by doing so, some stuff will come to light... (though I have no idea what?)
I have moved into the new place, and am very happy here. The living room is large and empty, and I gotta say I quite like it like that! I am going to try to convince my roomies that when they move in, there needs to be at least one large gap of space, for dancing randomly.... or doing yoga while looking out over the city lights..... or meditating... or something. It's gorgeous :)
I am looking forward to having a healthier diet and getting life back on track. The last 2.5 months I felt ....disorientated, I felt as though I was going backwards instead of forwards, and even as I write this I am wondering, "Have I already written this?" -- possibly... or possibly I just wrote it all in my head? I feel really confused!!
I am happy, and I feel like life threw me some hard knocks the last 2.5 months, and I feel as though I have *touch wood* managed to come out on top. I don't regret a single one of the hard knocks, it wasn't an easy move to make and I am glad that I am where I am. I know that there are many more bumps along the road, but finally I feel in my gut, that I am on the right path. I am rebuilding my self esteem, I am regaining confidence, I am learning once again to trust my judgement and trust my instincts, and I am getting there. There is no question that I miss the mainland and the life that I had there and the friends that I made there, (ironically although none of them have the link to this journal) ....I miss them with my whole heart...but I realize that for me to go forward, sometimes we have to take a step back. I suppose it's like.... being "Too close" to something. You know how when you're "too close" to something, your vision gets blurry and you lose sight of what is? That's how I'd say my life on the mainland was I suppose. Although I couldn't tell you what I was "too close to" I just have come to accept and understand that to move forward, I had to make this move back to the island, which has in many ways felt like a step back. It felt like a temporary step back and I am sure it will feel like a step back from "where I was" for a long time, however where I was, wasn't solid footing and so when I ...get back... there will be a much greater understanding and appreciation of everything that I have I suppose.
Yes, UVIC is an option for me to go to Law school and it may turn out that it is my only option. I do sincerely hope that isn't so, because I sincerely do not wish to remain on the island. The ways in which I flourished while I was living on the mainland were subtle, and unrecognized until I got back here. I was chatting with my friend Liz the other day and suddenly it hit me... I became social! When the heck did that happen? One of my other dear friends Rob, used to quip "Tami and I are not happy, unless we are speaking to people we cannot see" -- And now that has totally changed. I no longer sit for hours online chatting up a storm (I do chat still sometimes, but not for hours on end) ....I am gripped with this urge for "people contact" ...this is actually one of the worst things for me to deal with since moving back here. I came close to having full blown panic attacks some nights at 11:30 when that time would roll around ....and I'd realize that nowhere in the town was open, and everybody in the town was asleep. LOL
Life in general, has pushed me down a LOT lately... and I think it did that, so that I could learn once again, what I am capable of. I am one of those individuals that learns the hard way. I have to learn the hard way or I don't fully appreciate the significance of what I"m learning. What I have learned the last 2.5 months is that I am capable... I can stand on my own two feet, I can realize my own dreams.... I can overcome the obstacles that life throws my way and that I don't have to be ashamed about asking for help. The last one is a big one... delusions of self competence are the biggest obstacles that any individual can work to overcome. They're usually what will sink a ship the fastest, so to speak. I know they have certainly sunk my ship. When I look back at the last couple of months, to put a metaphorical visual to it, I have been kicked and beaten down, in some ways viciously... I have had tough moments professionally, personally, and it hasn't even been easy physically. And what I see, is that instead of being "beaten" and instead of cowering, and instead of simply accepting life as "It is what it is" and instead of buckling.... I have fought back. I have reached out to those who are close to me for their support when I needed it (many thanks, ESPECIALLY to Liz who has seen me through more difficult times than she perhaps even realizes in the last couple of months) ... they have been there for me, and I have come to realize that not only am I not defeated, but I have grown so much from this experience. I have discovered new areas of myself that had I remained on the mainland would perhaps not have been learnt, and these are aspects which I feel will serve me well.
I have been honest towards others about my feelings in the last couple of months, and I have been hurt, as a result of that honesty, but I wouldn't change that honesty for anything. I would perhaps change a few of my own poor choices that I made, but never the honesty. When I look at the "war" waged between "Life v. Tami" .......I think of a book I read as a child, the Pilgrims Progress. I think of the many times where I could have strayed from my "path" where it would've brought me immediate gratification, and "felt good" at the time, but the rammifications of doing so I could not have lived with. The path I remained on was perhaps more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding.
As I turn from looking back, and begin once again to look forward, I am filled with gratitude. I am filled with acceptance and thanks, and sincere gratitude for every obstacle that I have had to overcome in the last little while. The obstacles go so far beyond just the last 2.5 months as well, they reach back over a year ago.... this time last year I was preparing for a year of commuting back and forth between the Island and the Mainland. That was tough... that was really tough. I won't lie... I had my doubts then, about whether or not I could do it. My only folly in that entire ordeal, was not taking the time to stop & appreciate & recognize, that I -was- doing it. I sacrificed a lot, and I didn't appreciate the sacrifices I made nor did I appreciate the accomplishments those sacrifices were made for.
It is easy to feel "on top of the world' when you live on top of a mountain... but what is more rewarding, perhaps... is recognizing and accepting the humility and humbleness we each hold as individuals in this larger picture of life.
Namaste.
I will be honest, I have no idea what I am going to write about here. I just... have been gripped with the urge at work lately that "I should write in my livejournal" so I am hoping that by doing so, some stuff will come to light... (though I have no idea what?)
I have moved into the new place, and am very happy here. The living room is large and empty, and I gotta say I quite like it like that! I am going to try to convince my roomies that when they move in, there needs to be at least one large gap of space, for dancing randomly.... or doing yoga while looking out over the city lights..... or meditating... or something. It's gorgeous :)
I am looking forward to having a healthier diet and getting life back on track. The last 2.5 months I felt ....disorientated, I felt as though I was going backwards instead of forwards, and even as I write this I am wondering, "Have I already written this?" -- possibly... or possibly I just wrote it all in my head? I feel really confused!!
I am happy, and I feel like life threw me some hard knocks the last 2.5 months, and I feel as though I have *touch wood* managed to come out on top. I don't regret a single one of the hard knocks, it wasn't an easy move to make and I am glad that I am where I am. I know that there are many more bumps along the road, but finally I feel in my gut, that I am on the right path. I am rebuilding my self esteem, I am regaining confidence, I am learning once again to trust my judgement and trust my instincts, and I am getting there. There is no question that I miss the mainland and the life that I had there and the friends that I made there, (ironically although none of them have the link to this journal) ....I miss them with my whole heart...but I realize that for me to go forward, sometimes we have to take a step back. I suppose it's like.... being "Too close" to something. You know how when you're "too close" to something, your vision gets blurry and you lose sight of what is? That's how I'd say my life on the mainland was I suppose. Although I couldn't tell you what I was "too close to" I just have come to accept and understand that to move forward, I had to make this move back to the island, which has in many ways felt like a step back. It felt like a temporary step back and I am sure it will feel like a step back from "where I was" for a long time, however where I was, wasn't solid footing and so when I ...get back... there will be a much greater understanding and appreciation of everything that I have I suppose.
Yes, UVIC is an option for me to go to Law school and it may turn out that it is my only option. I do sincerely hope that isn't so, because I sincerely do not wish to remain on the island. The ways in which I flourished while I was living on the mainland were subtle, and unrecognized until I got back here. I was chatting with my friend Liz the other day and suddenly it hit me... I became social! When the heck did that happen? One of my other dear friends Rob, used to quip "Tami and I are not happy, unless we are speaking to people we cannot see" -- And now that has totally changed. I no longer sit for hours online chatting up a storm (I do chat still sometimes, but not for hours on end) ....I am gripped with this urge for "people contact" ...this is actually one of the worst things for me to deal with since moving back here. I came close to having full blown panic attacks some nights at 11:30 when that time would roll around ....and I'd realize that nowhere in the town was open, and everybody in the town was asleep. LOL
Life in general, has pushed me down a LOT lately... and I think it did that, so that I could learn once again, what I am capable of. I am one of those individuals that learns the hard way. I have to learn the hard way or I don't fully appreciate the significance of what I"m learning. What I have learned the last 2.5 months is that I am capable... I can stand on my own two feet, I can realize my own dreams.... I can overcome the obstacles that life throws my way and that I don't have to be ashamed about asking for help. The last one is a big one... delusions of self competence are the biggest obstacles that any individual can work to overcome. They're usually what will sink a ship the fastest, so to speak. I know they have certainly sunk my ship. When I look back at the last couple of months, to put a metaphorical visual to it, I have been kicked and beaten down, in some ways viciously... I have had tough moments professionally, personally, and it hasn't even been easy physically. And what I see, is that instead of being "beaten" and instead of cowering, and instead of simply accepting life as "It is what it is" and instead of buckling.... I have fought back. I have reached out to those who are close to me for their support when I needed it (many thanks, ESPECIALLY to Liz who has seen me through more difficult times than she perhaps even realizes in the last couple of months) ... they have been there for me, and I have come to realize that not only am I not defeated, but I have grown so much from this experience. I have discovered new areas of myself that had I remained on the mainland would perhaps not have been learnt, and these are aspects which I feel will serve me well.
I have been honest towards others about my feelings in the last couple of months, and I have been hurt, as a result of that honesty, but I wouldn't change that honesty for anything. I would perhaps change a few of my own poor choices that I made, but never the honesty. When I look at the "war" waged between "Life v. Tami" .......I think of a book I read as a child, the Pilgrims Progress. I think of the many times where I could have strayed from my "path" where it would've brought me immediate gratification, and "felt good" at the time, but the rammifications of doing so I could not have lived with. The path I remained on was perhaps more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding.
As I turn from looking back, and begin once again to look forward, I am filled with gratitude. I am filled with acceptance and thanks, and sincere gratitude for every obstacle that I have had to overcome in the last little while. The obstacles go so far beyond just the last 2.5 months as well, they reach back over a year ago.... this time last year I was preparing for a year of commuting back and forth between the Island and the Mainland. That was tough... that was really tough. I won't lie... I had my doubts then, about whether or not I could do it. My only folly in that entire ordeal, was not taking the time to stop & appreciate & recognize, that I -was- doing it. I sacrificed a lot, and I didn't appreciate the sacrifices I made nor did I appreciate the accomplishments those sacrifices were made for.
It is easy to feel "on top of the world' when you live on top of a mountain... but what is more rewarding, perhaps... is recognizing and accepting the humility and humbleness we each hold as individuals in this larger picture of life.
Namaste.