(no subject)
I've been experiencing strange and contradicting feelings. Last night I felt the most alone that I have ever felt; I felt as if no one around me even saw me, like I was completely invisible. The people I was with didn't even seem to recognize me, it really felt like I could die right there and no one would notice. But at the same time I've felt more loved lately than I have in my entire life. I've finally found the friends who are there always; who know who I am and understand why I do the things I do, even if it's just the fact that they understand that they don't understand me at all. They accept me. The funny thing is that I didn't just "find" these friends, I've actually had the best four all along (and they know who they are).
He has finally moved on and has someone new, and although it feels surreal, it's okay. I used to have bad dreams about this happening but now it's right. It's the right time. At first I wondered why I wasn't ecstatic. I mean after all, haven't I been wanting him to leave me alone for months now? It's just the feeling that no one cares about you in THAT way. But it's alright because other more important people care. I do want him to be happy. He's not a bad person, he just did some bad things without thinking. I wasn't as upset with what he did as I was with how he just wouldn't acknowledge them until it was too late. I was hearing what I thought I wanted to hear and I really didn't want to hear it.
But I finally feel free. I've found what I need (although I really think I've had it all along, just never realized it), and I've set free what I don't.
He has finally moved on and has someone new, and although it feels surreal, it's okay. I used to have bad dreams about this happening but now it's right. It's the right time. At first I wondered why I wasn't ecstatic. I mean after all, haven't I been wanting him to leave me alone for months now? It's just the feeling that no one cares about you in THAT way. But it's alright because other more important people care. I do want him to be happy. He's not a bad person, he just did some bad things without thinking. I wasn't as upset with what he did as I was with how he just wouldn't acknowledge them until it was too late. I was hearing what I thought I wanted to hear and I really didn't want to hear it.
But I finally feel free. I've found what I need (although I really think I've had it all along, just never realized it), and I've set free what I don't.