(no subject)

[sexualvanilla]

I need to stop i need to stop being this way, i need to stop right now i need to fucken stop it, i cant take it anymore, all along ive felt alone, i am alone, i believe im alone so i feel alone, nobody can help me, and i cant stand that i think that way, i find positive in others, but i can never find it in myself, as jess said, i need to find that thing, that one thing thats give me that "after sex smile"(not sex that seems as if it will never happen im on track to being a 40 year old virgin), i wish i could tell you the last time i smiled just to smile, or that someone or something brought a smile to my face, having that feeling that is on the inside where u cant hold it in cuz ur just so happy, that it comes out an amazing smile, oh how i wish i had that, i hate my smile, why would i wanna smile, im missing out on so much thats out there, so much that the world offers me, i guess im just not happy with who i am, i just feel lost, it doesnt get better either, i make myself think its better and im not even close...i dont have a sense of belonging, im not strong willed, i give up easy, i dont feel like dealing with this, that just shows how much of a failure i really am....oh well whats another hour, another day, another week, another month, another year of feeling like this...ive made it through so far,

you know so many people have told before that im a good guy, i have alot of heart, and you dont find that in alot people(supposedly). Well fuck having heart, having a heart gets u hurt, if that is who i am, then fuck it, i dont wanna change, i use to like that about me, but u can only take so much a feeling a certain way, i wanna know when its gonna be my turn to be happy, everyone around has something that brings that "after sex smile" to them. Its only that selfish feeling, whens it my turn, how much more can i really take of this.....