back to allendale...
Its my last night at home then off to school again. I dont feel like i should go back. I was going through my stuff today getting things ready and i found a letter amber had written to me. It tore me apart, i can sit at home all summer in so much pain, but i dont have to see her, i return to school and ill prolly have to see her, see her with her bf, see her hanging out somewhere, its hard for me. I havnt been happy since she broke up with me, but that just shows me how unhappy i must be with myself. I dont wanna go back, i feel like me going back is only gonna tear me apart more, i dont need to feel pain anymore, i should be long past feeling any pain in the first place but im not. Why is it so hard for me, maybe its cuz she was my first love, or maybe i dont know how to be happy w/o someone to be happy with, i dunno, but i know this I dont feel like going back. I feel like what im entering into this coming year will be the death of me. I dont look forward to it, but i guess we have to do things we dont look forward to, thats just life...maybe i can find somewhere i belong, cuz each and everyday i get this feeling Grand Valley is not the place for me, maybe im suppose to run, get away, if i get away i can let go, i dunno anymore, i wish i could just find some shred of happiness in this world, just one little shred....