(no subject)
this really isn't that important of an entry for anyone to read, it's mostly me talking to myself and not caring enough to make it private...
I think the only reason I wrote an actual entry the other day (and why I'm writing on now) is because my head is too full of thoughts. I hate when that happens. Too much to remember, to figure out, to juggle in there and I just don't really know what to do with myself. It's even more frustrating when so much of it is things I need to do or should do, but I don't because I'm so frustrated with myself and daunted by the task that I can't wake up until noon and then spend my days in a haze of online tv (I've moved on from antm to scrubs only because I can't find the only two cycles I haven't seen) and scrounging for food and repeatedly checking my various lifelines to the "real" world (ie, gmail, lj, and that time-suck facebook).
and it certainly doesn't help that one of the many things I have to focus on is finding a job, even though I can't seem to get one no matter how many I apply to or how qualified I am for a great deal of them. For a while I was literally applying to a bunch every day, but now I mostly just look and open the possibilities in new tabs and then just stare at them until they are already taken. they are jobs I seriously don't want for the most part, and often have no qualifications for and honestly once you've been ignored or rejected about 100 times, it becomes less frustrating to just not do it. which is stupid, I know, but it's especially hard to motivate myself when there are only two months left and most jobs want me for longer and I have some money from dropping my june class (technically that's my parents' money which does not make me feel any better for wasting it). honestly though, at this point I would almost rather not apply for any more jobs unless some really amazing one came along, and just spend my time starting my thesis, proofreading my mom's proposal for a tv show (my mom is really cute and awesome), and actually moving in. I think if I could just stop worrying about the job, I might actually be able to motivate myself to do some things. but of course, that is quite possibly just wishful thinking and who knows if that would actually happen.
then there's all of the frackin (haha) ssmu-related stuff that I am somehow handling, but not doing such a hot job of. I need to finish the vday audit now (actually, I needed to finish it in May) but I really don't know that much about what I'm doing nor do I have a lot of the information (that's the biggest issue right now). but it's my own fault for not talking to Imad or the auditor sooner, for not just buckling down and trying this ages ago because if they don't take the audit late (Floh says they should, I'm hoping she's right) then vday is seriously fucked for next year, and it's mostly my fault (to be fair to myself, I had nothing to do with money and the people who did are out of town... don't worry Erica, I'm not mad at you.). but still. not to mention all of the ssmu shit with the uge that I somehow offered to try to fix, even though they don't seem to want to listen to me any more than they do anyone else in the uge.
boy my job for ssmu is going to be fun!
then if you just trow in a bunch of other stupid things like needing to figure out my fall classes (damn you mcrtw!! just approve my request to take a class at concordia!), needing to finish moving in (ok, that's kind of a big one), and a bunch of other little things.... basically I can't keep track anymore.
not to mention family things that for some reason have been popping up in my head a lot lately, like the fact that last time I spoke to my grandpa, he had a lot of trouble forming a coherent sentence and my grandma told me I was lucky he even agreed to talk to me on the phone, and the fact that apparently my other grandma is having a bunch of health issues after being healthy basically her entire life, and she hates the phone, so I barely even talk to her...those are are the thoughts that actually make sense in that they are consuming and sad, but I don't even know what to do with them when I keep thinking them at times when there is nothing for me to do.
and basically it just sucks when the few people you would love to talk to just don't quite get it because no one can get inside your head and see just how confusing it is... and really all I need is some serious cuddling and as nice as it is to cuddle with friends (and thank you for the offer, everyone), it's not quite the same thing as what I was looking for...
it definitely seems like all I am thinking about is depressing things. and I'm hoping that if for some reason someone reads this they actually read all the way down here to know that I'm not. there are a lot of things I'm happy about. and when I'm in the moment with any number of them, I really am happy. usually. it's just that with so much to think about, it's hard to be in the moment sometimes. but I do love my new apartment (though not so much all of the metaphorical and literal baggage that came with it) and I do love that I'm kind of finally getting the hang of knitting, and I am seriously enjoying certain late night liasons (I threw that one right in the middle for you, Sarah, just like it's no big deal) and I do love bsg and firefly nights and a whole host of other happy Montreal-in-the-summer activities. oh, and obviously HP5 the movie and HP7 the book which is coming out soooo soon.
blargh. if for some reason you did read all of this, no need to comment. I just really needed to spell it out for myself to make sure that there was a reason my head was a little too full with thoughts and it wasn't just me being bad at thinking (haha).
ok, I should go once again attempt productivity because when I do manage to do something, I (of course) do feel a bit better. also, I should do shit before HP. because we are going to wait in line earrrrly. which is so worth it.
I really wish I could feel the way I used to be able to feel when I used this userpic. I'm not very brave anymore.
rereading this, we'll see how long I keep it public. I'm surprisingly not good at talking about these things (at least not about myself).
I think the only reason I wrote an actual entry the other day (and why I'm writing on now) is because my head is too full of thoughts. I hate when that happens. Too much to remember, to figure out, to juggle in there and I just don't really know what to do with myself. It's even more frustrating when so much of it is things I need to do or should do, but I don't because I'm so frustrated with myself and daunted by the task that I can't wake up until noon and then spend my days in a haze of online tv (I've moved on from antm to scrubs only because I can't find the only two cycles I haven't seen) and scrounging for food and repeatedly checking my various lifelines to the "real" world (ie, gmail, lj, and that time-suck facebook).
and it certainly doesn't help that one of the many things I have to focus on is finding a job, even though I can't seem to get one no matter how many I apply to or how qualified I am for a great deal of them. For a while I was literally applying to a bunch every day, but now I mostly just look and open the possibilities in new tabs and then just stare at them until they are already taken. they are jobs I seriously don't want for the most part, and often have no qualifications for and honestly once you've been ignored or rejected about 100 times, it becomes less frustrating to just not do it. which is stupid, I know, but it's especially hard to motivate myself when there are only two months left and most jobs want me for longer and I have some money from dropping my june class (technically that's my parents' money which does not make me feel any better for wasting it). honestly though, at this point I would almost rather not apply for any more jobs unless some really amazing one came along, and just spend my time starting my thesis, proofreading my mom's proposal for a tv show (my mom is really cute and awesome), and actually moving in. I think if I could just stop worrying about the job, I might actually be able to motivate myself to do some things. but of course, that is quite possibly just wishful thinking and who knows if that would actually happen.
then there's all of the frackin (haha) ssmu-related stuff that I am somehow handling, but not doing such a hot job of. I need to finish the vday audit now (actually, I needed to finish it in May) but I really don't know that much about what I'm doing nor do I have a lot of the information (that's the biggest issue right now). but it's my own fault for not talking to Imad or the auditor sooner, for not just buckling down and trying this ages ago because if they don't take the audit late (Floh says they should, I'm hoping she's right) then vday is seriously fucked for next year, and it's mostly my fault (to be fair to myself, I had nothing to do with money and the people who did are out of town... don't worry Erica, I'm not mad at you.). but still. not to mention all of the ssmu shit with the uge that I somehow offered to try to fix, even though they don't seem to want to listen to me any more than they do anyone else in the uge.
boy my job for ssmu is going to be fun!
then if you just trow in a bunch of other stupid things like needing to figure out my fall classes (damn you mcrtw!! just approve my request to take a class at concordia!), needing to finish moving in (ok, that's kind of a big one), and a bunch of other little things.... basically I can't keep track anymore.
not to mention family things that for some reason have been popping up in my head a lot lately, like the fact that last time I spoke to my grandpa, he had a lot of trouble forming a coherent sentence and my grandma told me I was lucky he even agreed to talk to me on the phone, and the fact that apparently my other grandma is having a bunch of health issues after being healthy basically her entire life, and she hates the phone, so I barely even talk to her...those are are the thoughts that actually make sense in that they are consuming and sad, but I don't even know what to do with them when I keep thinking them at times when there is nothing for me to do.
and basically it just sucks when the few people you would love to talk to just don't quite get it because no one can get inside your head and see just how confusing it is... and really all I need is some serious cuddling and as nice as it is to cuddle with friends (and thank you for the offer, everyone), it's not quite the same thing as what I was looking for...
it definitely seems like all I am thinking about is depressing things. and I'm hoping that if for some reason someone reads this they actually read all the way down here to know that I'm not. there are a lot of things I'm happy about. and when I'm in the moment with any number of them, I really am happy. usually. it's just that with so much to think about, it's hard to be in the moment sometimes. but I do love my new apartment (though not so much all of the metaphorical and literal baggage that came with it) and I do love that I'm kind of finally getting the hang of knitting, and I am seriously enjoying certain late night liasons (I threw that one right in the middle for you, Sarah, just like it's no big deal) and I do love bsg and firefly nights and a whole host of other happy Montreal-in-the-summer activities. oh, and obviously HP5 the movie and HP7 the book which is coming out soooo soon.
blargh. if for some reason you did read all of this, no need to comment. I just really needed to spell it out for myself to make sure that there was a reason my head was a little too full with thoughts and it wasn't just me being bad at thinking (haha).
ok, I should go once again attempt productivity because when I do manage to do something, I (of course) do feel a bit better. also, I should do shit before HP. because we are going to wait in line earrrrly. which is so worth it.
I really wish I could feel the way I used to be able to feel when I used this userpic. I'm not very brave anymore.
rereading this, we'll see how long I keep it public. I'm surprisingly not good at talking about these things (at least not about myself).