Everything's Missing.

[sexual_stephenr]

Man o man. I sure can sit back and think of the pages and pages I could fill with differences in my life between now and even a year and a half ago. As much of the blackness in my life that's been cleared away...there is still some inside of me that I can't decipher the meaning of, that I can't figure out for the better of me. Do you ever feel like everything in your life is going decently, yet there's a part of it that isn't right. It feels like I'm constantly aching for something that I don't and can't have. It seems like I'm constantly making myself feel bad for longing for a life that I'm obviously not living.

I wish I could disappear....and run away from all of my fear...I think I'm coming undone.

I'll always long to get away. From no matter where that place is. I'll always want something bigger, something better, something further away. What do I want to get away from? What is calling me so eagerly from the other side? Maybe it is a different life that would've been mine if I had made the different(right?) choices a certain times in my life.

Even though I don't need certain things or certain people, I can't help but remind myself every day that I'm not good enough for them. I give people advice like I am something to be proud of, something to look up to, something to be adored...and in truth...I really don't have what it takes to fill the voids of the advice I turn others to.

I really do feel like I've lost the ability to be a leader.

I get so distracted by people's reactions, that I don't see my own faults for what they are...

It was so much easier for someone to be proud of you when you were younger...and all that was expected of you was to have fun and do your best. Long ago those days ended.

Long ago indeed.

I need a drink.

Peace and Love