crack
we all suffer from it
that feeling of "i am not enough"
i am ugly or impatient or unsatisfied..i in this moment am not ok
because pain hurts? because suffering hurts...and we don't want to feel it
but life.is.suffering. and we can deny it and run but it will find us
and its finding me right now high and cracked out, living on whiskey and sex and rage and pure giving joy...and all of these things are real...and all of these things are precious...even the smallest rock of meth, of evil created poison...even this, made up of the same cells that created life and art and misery...this physical thing is only what you make it.
and the only reason you needed it in the first place..was because your mind told you that you were incomplete.
but we cannot blame ourselves, or our minds, or each other
though of course it is so easy because it makes the pain itself into something solid
something we can hold on to that is greater than our self imposed limitations
but everything that the mind creates
INCLUDING THE MISERY OF CREATING THE MIND
is just a part of the diving unfolding mystery that humans on this reality are going to go through
and i wont always believe this
and a part of me is screaming "LIAR FULL OF SUFFERING, NOTHING WILL EVER EVER BE OK"
so drink, inhale, cough, snort, stuff, fuck, stab, scream, cry, create
just to believe for one moment that the pain you feel WILL NOT LAST
because NOTHING WILL EVER LAST
the blood tingles through my fingertips like electricity, and its not real and its not healthy and its almost so totally frightening that i would call dr phil and have him tell me i was sick sick sick inside
but...for every time i feel this...every time i feel ANYTHING
i know i am alive...and that someone in this universe is suffering so much more, and someone somewhere else is suffering so much less...and we are all just here
right now
living till we're not
and even though the fear is sometimes more than i can bear
my mind...mind wishes i was already dead...so at least i could be free
but death itself is the same thing as living
there is no freedom
outside of this moment.
outside of this body, this air, this pain and joy
there is nothing
you are it
you can't hold it
because it isn't possible to be separate from
and next time i see the crackhead on the street i will love him with all my heart because he is human...and i have stood in his body with hate and pain...and we have let it pass
breathe in the heat and balance of living every moment...let it pass
someday i will be able to hold you in my hand like a precious baby duck
you will be fuzzy and naked and so beautiful. and you will know what it is TO BE LOVED
I LOVE YOU
WHEN I DIE BURN MY BODY
BURY MY ASHES ON THE HIGHWAY
I DON'T WANT NO FANCY FUNERAL
I DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE NO FUSS AT ALL
TURN THE RADIO UP
THROW MY ASHES OUT THE WINDOW
DON'T STOP, DON'T WORRY HONEY
JUST LET IT GO
OUT THE WINDOW
that feeling of "i am not enough"
i am ugly or impatient or unsatisfied..i in this moment am not ok
because pain hurts? because suffering hurts...and we don't want to feel it
but life.is.suffering. and we can deny it and run but it will find us
and its finding me right now high and cracked out, living on whiskey and sex and rage and pure giving joy...and all of these things are real...and all of these things are precious...even the smallest rock of meth, of evil created poison...even this, made up of the same cells that created life and art and misery...this physical thing is only what you make it.
and the only reason you needed it in the first place..was because your mind told you that you were incomplete.
but we cannot blame ourselves, or our minds, or each other
though of course it is so easy because it makes the pain itself into something solid
something we can hold on to that is greater than our self imposed limitations
but everything that the mind creates
INCLUDING THE MISERY OF CREATING THE MIND
is just a part of the diving unfolding mystery that humans on this reality are going to go through
and i wont always believe this
and a part of me is screaming "LIAR FULL OF SUFFERING, NOTHING WILL EVER EVER BE OK"
so drink, inhale, cough, snort, stuff, fuck, stab, scream, cry, create
just to believe for one moment that the pain you feel WILL NOT LAST
because NOTHING WILL EVER LAST
the blood tingles through my fingertips like electricity, and its not real and its not healthy and its almost so totally frightening that i would call dr phil and have him tell me i was sick sick sick inside
but...for every time i feel this...every time i feel ANYTHING
i know i am alive...and that someone in this universe is suffering so much more, and someone somewhere else is suffering so much less...and we are all just here
right now
living till we're not
and even though the fear is sometimes more than i can bear
my mind...mind wishes i was already dead...so at least i could be free
but death itself is the same thing as living
there is no freedom
outside of this moment.
outside of this body, this air, this pain and joy
there is nothing
you are it
you can't hold it
because it isn't possible to be separate from
and next time i see the crackhead on the street i will love him with all my heart because he is human...and i have stood in his body with hate and pain...and we have let it pass
breathe in the heat and balance of living every moment...let it pass
someday i will be able to hold you in my hand like a precious baby duck
you will be fuzzy and naked and so beautiful. and you will know what it is TO BE LOVED
I LOVE YOU
WHEN I DIE BURN MY BODY
BURY MY ASHES ON THE HIGHWAY
I DON'T WANT NO FANCY FUNERAL
I DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE NO FUSS AT ALL
TURN THE RADIO UP
THROW MY ASHES OUT THE WINDOW
DON'T STOP, DON'T WORRY HONEY
JUST LET IT GO
OUT THE WINDOW