loving me for me? or hating me for me.

[sextehkitten]

so i sit here and i want to scream on the top of my lungs.
I feel so aggrivated.
My opinions never matter.
I fucking feel too.
Any time I say what I feel I get calmed down.
My feeling get covered with scars.
i become numb every time i speak my mind.
I get penalized for it.
Nobody gets hurt but me,
and in the long run .. im the one with the baggage.
i dont pick on people.
I work hard to do my best.
and I want to scream
I want to scream how i feel.
i want my opinions to matter.
I want to feel like I matter.
I dont want to be calmed down.
I want to let the rage out, an let myself be free
just once.
I say what i feel at any time.
then im silenced.
i want to be free from pain.
In the big picture it's good for me.

that's who you love isn't it?
me?
thats who i want to save.
thats who needs to be saved.
Saved me I'm drowning in this conversation.
and I am saying so much.
I live in manipulation.
love is time and love means everything.
I have no control.
I feel helpless
I try so hard.
and still I havent screamed.
I hold back to avoid confrontation
I explode.
Repremandation.
I hide..
Then the real me goes away.
Till the next time I have something to sAY.
I want to scream like I've never before.
I want to destroy this fake.
This fake is me.
I am me
me is in my head
I wanna let her show
I'm afraid she'll get rejected.
I wanna be me.
me is wrong
in the eyes of my loved ones.