An Autumn Epiphany
As I walked out of my house at 7:08 in the morning on a surprisingly crisp saturday, i was awe struck. The day before it had been in the mid to upper eighties, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the air was rich with the scent of freshly cropped grass. And yet only 12 hours later, the air was cool and smelled like the early settings of dry cold Autumn. Of course i didnt think twice about it at the time, being it was 7 in the morning, and I never fully function till about two in the afternoon. Which is just when i realized, that not only was it feeling like Fall, but it was the first day of fall. A True first day at that.
As I stepped outside on my break around 2, I saw crusted brown and gold leaves. Something that hadn't been twirling in the wind the evening before. It was pure and radiant beauty.
"It's like...What happened to summer? There was no transition...it was there, and then it wasnt. All in a few hours" I said stuffing a piece of cinnamon twisted pretzel in my mouth.
"I Know what you mean. This morning I left the house to come in to work, I was slammed by a gust of wind and was so cold i had to go in and grab a sweater, i NEVER wear a sweater to work-no matter what its like outside its always sweltering in that store." Little Lisa Klien replied.
"I feel ya on that one. In two month's there'll be two feet of snow on the ground and i'll be walking around inside with ripped jeans, a t-shirt and flip flops...then outside in three sweaters, a wool coat, and snow boots..."
Lisa Klien was my manager when i first started over a year ago. Since then she'd had a baby and switched over to the evil banana republic...where she's much happier.
Even on my drive home as dead leaves were hitting my window- i still refused to believe its fall.
"Phillip...its FALL...it happens, you do this almost every year, maybe not as psychotic, but you do it EVERY year- for every season...you get all poet-esque." Ryan reassured me
"How can things just change like that over night..." I stopped myself. I took in a deep breath. As the new autumn air filled my lungs, old memories clouded my mind. My heart began to pound, and i began to flash back to the way things were. A much more simple time in my life, a much more simple attitude. Before people were gone, before i stood up for my own emotions, before i'd been promoted, before I had so much change in such a small time frame. The past six months were like a short night's sleep. Like in the blink of an eye everything had changed. And Six months before that- things were even less complex.
"You still with me?" I heard ryan say from the other end of the phone.
All i could do was breathe. It was as if my mind and my mouth were detached from one another temporarily.
"Well you're breathing...thats a good sign....." Ryan joked.
"Im here...now" I said rubbing my neck. "Isn't it weird how our minds can piece things together? Even if two things have NOTHING to do with eachother...we can piece them together, weld them into one..."
"If you're talking about what i think you're talking about, you're more than welding those two things together...you're gonna need an entire toolshed." He replied. And how could i have expected anything less?
"I know...its just that- we talked."
There was nothing on the other end but dead silence. Not even backround noise of any kind. Not a breath, not a tv, not a creaking floor board, or even static. I took my eyes off the road for a moment just to look at the screen on my cell phone to make sure it was still connected. It was.
"I Knew this would happen when i told you- " I said.
"Well..."
"I'll explain it...there were just things i needed to say. I love him, i have for a long time, and i always will...im not IN love with him, i dont wanna be with him, I dont even know if i can be NEAR him...but I need to know that he's ok, and i care about his well being more than anything-" My words began to drift slightly-
"Phil-"
"wait, I care because it RIPS me apart to know what's going on...it RIPS ME at EVERY possible seam. And i needed him to know that, and now- he does. If he wants to fuck up his life, thats just fine, but now he knows i know."
Ryan didnt fight me on it at all, he backed me almost a hundred percent. Hense why i love him.
It was funny how fall reminded me of the fall of the 'empire' that was my life...just six months ago. The people that were in it, the things that were in it, and the places i was. I'm sure I've adjusted...and just in time for more change.
As I stepped outside on my break around 2, I saw crusted brown and gold leaves. Something that hadn't been twirling in the wind the evening before. It was pure and radiant beauty.
"It's like...What happened to summer? There was no transition...it was there, and then it wasnt. All in a few hours" I said stuffing a piece of cinnamon twisted pretzel in my mouth.
"I Know what you mean. This morning I left the house to come in to work, I was slammed by a gust of wind and was so cold i had to go in and grab a sweater, i NEVER wear a sweater to work-no matter what its like outside its always sweltering in that store." Little Lisa Klien replied.
"I feel ya on that one. In two month's there'll be two feet of snow on the ground and i'll be walking around inside with ripped jeans, a t-shirt and flip flops...then outside in three sweaters, a wool coat, and snow boots..."
Lisa Klien was my manager when i first started over a year ago. Since then she'd had a baby and switched over to the evil banana republic...where she's much happier.
Even on my drive home as dead leaves were hitting my window- i still refused to believe its fall.
"Phillip...its FALL...it happens, you do this almost every year, maybe not as psychotic, but you do it EVERY year- for every season...you get all poet-esque." Ryan reassured me
"How can things just change like that over night..." I stopped myself. I took in a deep breath. As the new autumn air filled my lungs, old memories clouded my mind. My heart began to pound, and i began to flash back to the way things were. A much more simple time in my life, a much more simple attitude. Before people were gone, before i stood up for my own emotions, before i'd been promoted, before I had so much change in such a small time frame. The past six months were like a short night's sleep. Like in the blink of an eye everything had changed. And Six months before that- things were even less complex.
"You still with me?" I heard ryan say from the other end of the phone.
All i could do was breathe. It was as if my mind and my mouth were detached from one another temporarily.
"Well you're breathing...thats a good sign....." Ryan joked.
"Im here...now" I said rubbing my neck. "Isn't it weird how our minds can piece things together? Even if two things have NOTHING to do with eachother...we can piece them together, weld them into one..."
"If you're talking about what i think you're talking about, you're more than welding those two things together...you're gonna need an entire toolshed." He replied. And how could i have expected anything less?
"I know...its just that- we talked."
There was nothing on the other end but dead silence. Not even backround noise of any kind. Not a breath, not a tv, not a creaking floor board, or even static. I took my eyes off the road for a moment just to look at the screen on my cell phone to make sure it was still connected. It was.
"I Knew this would happen when i told you- " I said.
"Well..."
"I'll explain it...there were just things i needed to say. I love him, i have for a long time, and i always will...im not IN love with him, i dont wanna be with him, I dont even know if i can be NEAR him...but I need to know that he's ok, and i care about his well being more than anything-" My words began to drift slightly-
"Phil-"
"wait, I care because it RIPS me apart to know what's going on...it RIPS ME at EVERY possible seam. And i needed him to know that, and now- he does. If he wants to fuck up his life, thats just fine, but now he knows i know."
Ryan didnt fight me on it at all, he backed me almost a hundred percent. Hense why i love him.
It was funny how fall reminded me of the fall of the 'empire' that was my life...just six months ago. The people that were in it, the things that were in it, and the places i was. I'm sure I've adjusted...and just in time for more change.