Knot
There are two things i cant seem to shake this season. One being the snow, the other being the crazy, confused, and rambonxious thoughts that seem to bounce back and forth in my mind, like a bad arcade game from the early eighties. I've been asking myself that question that no one ever WANTS to ask themselves, but always does. "What do i want?"
I honestly dont know anymore, but its not what i have, and thats for sure. Being stuck at a school i didnt HAVE to go to-but did. Working for a company thats constantly changing back and forth from one thing to another, a company thats starting to lose order, and starting to lose appeal. Also not a place i HAVE to be, especially with two other offers on my plate from out of nowhere. Especially when i'm working so hard for management where i am.
Things are becoming more and more overwhelming everyday. I hardly see Leanne-ever since her and kenny have been hardcore hanging out-its almost impossible to just hang out with her-i mean there are times i just wanna talk to her-catch up, her and i. Not her and i-plus kenny, brian, kelly & cari. Dont get me wrong, i like them all-but she's one of my closest friends-and i barely even talk to her these days.
At the same time I'm realizing that void, the giant one right in the center of my soul...the one that requires someone to just hold me, to be held by me, its growing. Wider and deeper.
Then theres that constant weight thing. Lately im just obsessing-i complain and complain and do NOTHING about it. Until today-i was so proud. Instead of having wendy's- a number six, plaing, with a diet coke-NO ICE...i had Subway- Turkey and lettuce on a plain sub, nothing but the turkey and the lettuce. With a diet coke-NO ICE, and baked (and reduced fat) sun chips.
I realized something today, all this time i've been confused. While talking to michael and hearing about his boyfriend confusion-i was suddenly struck.
At one time or another, we're all confused. But, Confusions like a knot. You get all sorts of tangled but you dont know hot. The more you stress over it, and try to undo it-the worse it gets. The more you pick at it, the more annoyed and irritated you get. You cant just cut it off, you HAVE to work on it, but theres a method, slowly and steadily while calm and relaxed.
Is that my problem? Am i picking at my confused knot? Maybe i DO need to just relax!
I honestly dont know anymore, but its not what i have, and thats for sure. Being stuck at a school i didnt HAVE to go to-but did. Working for a company thats constantly changing back and forth from one thing to another, a company thats starting to lose order, and starting to lose appeal. Also not a place i HAVE to be, especially with two other offers on my plate from out of nowhere. Especially when i'm working so hard for management where i am.
Things are becoming more and more overwhelming everyday. I hardly see Leanne-ever since her and kenny have been hardcore hanging out-its almost impossible to just hang out with her-i mean there are times i just wanna talk to her-catch up, her and i. Not her and i-plus kenny, brian, kelly & cari. Dont get me wrong, i like them all-but she's one of my closest friends-and i barely even talk to her these days.
At the same time I'm realizing that void, the giant one right in the center of my soul...the one that requires someone to just hold me, to be held by me, its growing. Wider and deeper.
Then theres that constant weight thing. Lately im just obsessing-i complain and complain and do NOTHING about it. Until today-i was so proud. Instead of having wendy's- a number six, plaing, with a diet coke-NO ICE...i had Subway- Turkey and lettuce on a plain sub, nothing but the turkey and the lettuce. With a diet coke-NO ICE, and baked (and reduced fat) sun chips.
I realized something today, all this time i've been confused. While talking to michael and hearing about his boyfriend confusion-i was suddenly struck.
At one time or another, we're all confused. But, Confusions like a knot. You get all sorts of tangled but you dont know hot. The more you stress over it, and try to undo it-the worse it gets. The more you pick at it, the more annoyed and irritated you get. You cant just cut it off, you HAVE to work on it, but theres a method, slowly and steadily while calm and relaxed.
Is that my problem? Am i picking at my confused knot? Maybe i DO need to just relax!