done and over...
it's done. my mother is at rest. we (my step-dad, his brother, kevin, liz & i) went down to the ocean beach pier and scattered her ashes this afternoon. where are my brothers you may ask? being retarded, hurting and sad, but still retarded, and trying to do everything not as my mother or step-dad intended any of this to happen. why did i get to go? cause throughout the last month as my mothers' health degenerated and she became progressively weaker, i was her voice and my step-dad's voice when he wasn't there. the service my brother's and my soon to be ex-sister-in-law put together this morning was a sham. they made it sound like my mother had never accepted christ until on her deathbed 2 weeks ago. what a crock of shit. and the memory picture board they posted out front, yeah, that was about enough to get me to go home right there. 90% of the pictures were of my sister-in-law, their kids and my mom. there were hardly any pictures of my brothers and her, hell, there weren't even any at all of she and i. i didn't even know until too late that they were looking for pictures. but, what's done is done. and she's at rest, right where she wanted to be. we let her go with laughter instead of tears, though i know i'm going to shed those eventually. i've shed some, but i think the constant headaches i've been having since around the day she died have been from suppressed grief. i hurt. it hurts. i'm glad, relieved even, that she's passed on, cause it means she's not hurting anymore, isn't suffering anymore, but that relief and gladness won't fill the void that's been left behind by her absence. i actually had moments last week where i had to stop myself from calling her. once while at work, i was going to call and check on her, like i'd been doing for weeks every morning. and that afternoon on my way home, i thought to call her cause i had a spare moment and just wanted to know what she was up to. i guess i'll just talk to her the same way i've been talking to my dad all these years, in the silence of my truck as i'm sitting in traffic with the a/c on and the windows rolled up. i miss my mother terribly and it hurts me and makes me sad that she's gone. i want to cry, but then again i don't. i want to let it out cause at the most unforeseen times it wants to come out. i know i need to cry, but i'm not sure if i'm going to be doing that anytime soon.