the beginning of the end...
so it begins, the end that is...my mother received her first visits from her hospice worker today and her nurse that's been assigned to her for her hospice care this past thursday. there's nothing left now except to wait, and unfortunately i don't think it's going to be long. she's already getting to the point that it's going to be necessary to have someone with her at all times as she's growing weaker and weaker by the day. at least with her we have warning, time to prepare ourselves, but it's still going to be the same outcome. another person gone before their time. i'm putting a good face on it, especially today as i answered the hospice questions, to let them know that i, like my brothers and stepdad, are aware of our mother's final wishes. when they asked, after i'd corrected them that gene's my stepdad, if my mother's ex-husband is around, i had to again correct them by informing them that no, he's not around, he's been dead for nearly 8 years. it's so hard to see my mother like this, all helpless and listless, so hard. i'll be spending most of my weekends with her, as i'm off on the weekends while my stepdad works. liz has agreed to spend most of her days off down there with her (tuesdays and wednesdays) and then my stepdad has thursdays and fridays off. so, between the 3 of us, she'll always have a familiar face around. it's so hard. i'm not even pregnant yet. that's my one hope, my one prayer, that i can at least manage that before she goes. even better if i could conceive and deliver, but that would be asking too much, asking my mother to endure too much. so much to think about, and yet, so much to let go. she's already told my stepdad, who told kev, that she's ready to go. she's tired of the pain and the pills and being sick all the time. she's put up a brave fight. a year and a half ago, thanksgiving 2004, she told us she had 6 months or less, she's made it this far and we're all thankful for that time. so thankful. if only she'd been stronger, more able to do more things and us able to do more things with her, for her, but, we weren't, we haven't. we can now, but that's of no use to us now. we're trying to find her another portable ac for her living room, so she can rest in comfort there too, but with the weather as such, it's hard. here's to the beginning of the end and the hopes that i'm strong enough to make it through it without balling in front of her, even though she does that quite often now. she knows and she's started to accept it and speak of it. passing things on to me that i need to know or have before it's too late. i've got all the birth and death certificates from my grandpa on her side, my dad and her and i's birth certificats. next will come the pictures of my dad, of her and my dad, stuff that she says my stepdad won't need around, or know what to do with, once she's gone. there's acceptance in knowing, but nothing will be enough for the end.