another fragment
After the accident, I became a ghost of myself. I could not seem to forget the thought of Monica’s car crashing into mine. It replayed in my head 100 times a day. I could feel my bones break every single time. I heard the shattering of glass, the crunching metal and the smell of rubber burned onto the asphalt. My inner monologues were a string of nonsensical and incoherent ramblings and babblings that a two year old would envy. My heart was racing, thundering, and pounding against my ribcage; it was so hard that I wondered if it would eventually just stop or break my ribs into tiny little fragments. What a way to die. It sounded so loud. Could other people hear it? Could they hear the chatter in my head? Could they tell what I had just pumped into my system? Those damn red pills. I filled my life up with painkillers and anti-depressants, all because I could not move beyond my own shit long enough to breathe. One day, one not very spectacular day while sitting in some class I was not paying attention to, this mini movie began playing in my head. I could not turn it off, even though I tried. I actually made an attempt to pay attention to whatever class I was in. However, with my heart racing and my head having a war with one another, I was in a very strange state.
The new addict inside of me was ecstatic; the sick little girl inside of me was in pain, and the part of me that had been trying so desperately to fight back, was kicking and screaming to get out. I ran. I ran out of the classroom, out of the building and out of the school parking lot. I didn’t know where I was going and I must have been wandering a long time. I ended up at a playground at 4:30. It was cold that day and there was rain advancing on the horizon. No one was there, No children, no teachers, and no parents. It was deserted and gloomy. Although it was odd, I decided that it was my new paradise. I stayed there for hours until I came down off my high and I went on the swings and sat there, kicking my feet and dragging them in the dirt. Eventually there were two ravines. It was really all very pointless to me. The only thing that made sense was the merry go round. Spinning faster and faster and feeling sicker and sicker was oddly liberating. It was comforting because it was constant. For the first time in two months I felt something, anything that wasn’t sheer apathy or debilitating sadness. I forgot what happy, and free, and excited felt like. It was an explosion, and it was overwhelming. I got up and ran again. I ran into the field. I kept running until I tripped over a sprinkler and cut my leg. I broke into hysterical laughter, which quickly turned into hysterical crying, then screaming into nothing.
The new addict inside of me was ecstatic; the sick little girl inside of me was in pain, and the part of me that had been trying so desperately to fight back, was kicking and screaming to get out. I ran. I ran out of the classroom, out of the building and out of the school parking lot. I didn’t know where I was going and I must have been wandering a long time. I ended up at a playground at 4:30. It was cold that day and there was rain advancing on the horizon. No one was there, No children, no teachers, and no parents. It was deserted and gloomy. Although it was odd, I decided that it was my new paradise. I stayed there for hours until I came down off my high and I went on the swings and sat there, kicking my feet and dragging them in the dirt. Eventually there were two ravines. It was really all very pointless to me. The only thing that made sense was the merry go round. Spinning faster and faster and feeling sicker and sicker was oddly liberating. It was comforting because it was constant. For the first time in two months I felt something, anything that wasn’t sheer apathy or debilitating sadness. I forgot what happy, and free, and excited felt like. It was an explosion, and it was overwhelming. I got up and ran again. I ran into the field. I kept running until I tripped over a sprinkler and cut my leg. I broke into hysterical laughter, which quickly turned into hysterical crying, then screaming into nothing.