Happy Valentine's Day!
Since I'm usually not up before Zombie O'Clock, you're getting this Very Special Valentine's Post kinda late. Most of you are probably dozing on the couch on chocolate overload and aren't reading this anyway, but you know, if it touches even ONE of you? That makes it all worthwhile.
Aw. <3
Ok, so you're single, bitter, don't give a fuck about Valentine's Day and the crappy sentiments that go with it -- I've got humorous tidbits for you to read instead. Just my way of saying laughing is better than crying, friends.
Forget the hearts, flowers and romantic sappery nobody really means all the rest of the year, TREAT YOUR WOMAN TO A SPHINCTER BLEACHING.
Have a messed up Valentine's Day story or know someone who has? FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY. Nominate someone for this year's Hall of Shame.
And finally, after feverishly reading through my friends list and commenting whenever I can before I have to desert Teh Intrawebs for a night of sex and debauchery with Pineapple, I came across two gems that fairly beg to be metaquoted.
perfect_beaker on being faced with a guy dressed as Ronald McDonald:
"In another surreal moment, Ronald McDonald visited us at work today, he walked through the grill area, chasing me as I backed away with my face frozen in a rictus of horror; he wanted to hug me, but thank the Gods for the sanitation practices that helped me avoid the choking embrace of his clownish hellgrip. Still, I'll probably see that blood-red smile in my sleep.
Oh! I forgot to mention that upon realizing that he couldn't hug me, he stuck his elbow out and made me touch it with mine. I had elbow sex with scary Ronald McDonald at 8:30 in the morning, on Valentine's day.
He also told me that my grill timers sounded like the Jaws theme, and then he leaned in really close and started going "duhhh duhh duhhh duhh duuuhhh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh doo doo doo...", which very nearly made your devoted writer come unglued, because not only had I only had maybe half an hour of sleep at best, but it was Valentine's Day, and it's also been a long time since anything of this type of insane magnitude has occured. It caught me flatfooted, that's for sure."
vagynafondue on her babydaddy placing his obession with finding the perfect pillow above her pregnancy woes:
"What about me? Aren't my needs and my health more important than Hoover's adjusting to a new pillow? Why is he sucking me into his world of pillow madness? When did I start dating the princess and the fucking pea?"
Many blessings upon these women of wit and hilarity who save me from the terrible blight of...memes.
Is this the coolest balloon in the known universe or what? I found this in front of my computer when I woke up along with a card and a typed poem from Pineapple. I won't send you into diabetic comas by reproducing the poem here, but let's just say that he hit me with Shock And Aw with it.
Thank you, skyblade, for the squishy cartoon and your hilarious attempt to draw my favorite (discontinued) soda:
And thank you, malenky_devil for the equally adorable cartoon!
Now I'm off to the mountain resort lodge Pineapple is taking me to so we can pretend to be pretentious out-of-towners and order busboys around.
...
Not really, but it's fun to watch other people do it.
May you all have an evening filled with laughter, junk food and high-res porn. SEX AND LOVE FOR EVERYONE! <3
Aw. <3
Ok, so you're single, bitter, don't give a fuck about Valentine's Day and the crappy sentiments that go with it -- I've got humorous tidbits for you to read instead. Just my way of saying laughing is better than crying, friends.
Forget the hearts, flowers and romantic sappery nobody really means all the rest of the year, TREAT YOUR WOMAN TO A SPHINCTER BLEACHING.
Have a messed up Valentine's Day story or know someone who has? FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY. Nominate someone for this year's Hall of Shame.
And finally, after feverishly reading through my friends list and commenting whenever I can before I have to desert Teh Intrawebs for a night of sex and debauchery with Pineapple, I came across two gems that fairly beg to be metaquoted.
perfect_beaker on being faced with a guy dressed as Ronald McDonald:
"In another surreal moment, Ronald McDonald visited us at work today, he walked through the grill area, chasing me as I backed away with my face frozen in a rictus of horror; he wanted to hug me, but thank the Gods for the sanitation practices that helped me avoid the choking embrace of his clownish hellgrip. Still, I'll probably see that blood-red smile in my sleep.
Oh! I forgot to mention that upon realizing that he couldn't hug me, he stuck his elbow out and made me touch it with mine. I had elbow sex with scary Ronald McDonald at 8:30 in the morning, on Valentine's day.
He also told me that my grill timers sounded like the Jaws theme, and then he leaned in really close and started going "duhhh duhh duhhh duhh duuuhhh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh doo doo doo...", which very nearly made your devoted writer come unglued, because not only had I only had maybe half an hour of sleep at best, but it was Valentine's Day, and it's also been a long time since anything of this type of insane magnitude has occured. It caught me flatfooted, that's for sure."
vagynafondue on her babydaddy placing his obession with finding the perfect pillow above her pregnancy woes:
"What about me? Aren't my needs and my health more important than Hoover's adjusting to a new pillow? Why is he sucking me into his world of pillow madness? When did I start dating the princess and the fucking pea?"
Many blessings upon these women of wit and hilarity who save me from the terrible blight of...memes.
Is this the coolest balloon in the known universe or what? I found this in front of my computer when I woke up along with a card and a typed poem from Pineapple. I won't send you into diabetic comas by reproducing the poem here, but let's just say that he hit me with Shock And Aw with it.
Thank you, skyblade, for the squishy cartoon and your hilarious attempt to draw my favorite (discontinued) soda:
And thank you, malenky_devil for the equally adorable cartoon!
Now I'm off to the mountain resort lodge Pineapple is taking me to so we can pretend to be pretentious out-of-towners and order busboys around.
...
Not really, but it's fun to watch other people do it.
May you all have an evening filled with laughter, junk food and high-res porn. SEX AND LOVE FOR EVERYONE! <3