The Flavor Of Your Lips [6/??]
“Alex.” A voice echoed. I don't know who it is. Though, it does seem familiar. But who? Jack? No. The Devil? Possibly.
“Alex....” The voice echoed again. “Alex, please tell me you didn't do that to yourself.” I know this voice.
I fucking know this voice! My eyes were wide, my mouth with dry. My throat shut. His voice hadn't stopped echoing. Though, I don't know what he's talking about. I looked down, I was only in my boxers for some odd reason. But, my leg. The inner part of my left was red. Red with blood. Before I could wonder how that happen, I remembered.
It was about two hours again Jack had left. I was bored as hell, but also depressed. I had no one here with me. I had texted Zack about an hour ago to see what he was doing. Still helping Rian clean up. I asked him if Jack was there. He wasn't. I knew Jack wasn't going to be there, but I wish he was. Even if he was having the worst time ever. I don't want him with Danny, but he is. I'm losing my best friend to some kid.
I let Zack go after that. I did nothing for another hour. Though, I did talk to a nurse a bit when she came in. Well, more like listen to her talk about medical. Which I understood. Yeah, I'm not as stupid as I act.
But the nurse then brought up her best friend. Talking about how they just got into a fight, but she knew that they were going to make up. Because, they always do. They never lie to each other. Not even in their fight, they both were truthful. Which made me think about the fight Jack and I got into. Both of us have been lying to each other ever since, what?, a week ago when Jack saw me showing on the trampoline.
Once the nurse left, I was still thinking about it. How could Jack and I get like this? That we lie to each other. I mean, I remember when Jack and I were just too honest with each other and we loved it. I mean, aren't best friends suppose to be like that? Now look at us. So far, we keep getting in fights and they are all my fault. I'm such a fuck up. I'm so sorry Jack.
I want to text Jack, but at the same time I don't. I want to tell him I'm sorry face to face. And I can't tell him to come here, because I just know Danny will find a way to keep him there. Damn it. I can't take it anymore.
I looked around the room. And for the first time since I went to the bathroom today, I got up and went in there again. But not to do my business. I looked around in there for anything sharp. Nothing. I can't find a damn thing that's sharp. Fuck. But, then I remembered in my pants, I had a pocket knife. I wonder if it's still in there.
About a minute later, I was back in the bathroom with my pants, searching the pockets. Yes, my pocket knife was still in there. I pulled it out and wiped out the blade. I looked over my body, most of my bruises are gone now. But the problem was, where do I cut. My arm, no. My chest, no, the nurses will noticed for sure then.
The only thing left was my inner thigh, and since I'm right handed, I go for my left. I felt the cool blade poke my skin. It should hurt, I know it should, but it doesn't. It makes me think of how alive I am right now.
I make an 'S' then pause to breath a little. Once I'm ready to go, I don't stop until I have the rest on my leg; 'orry'. I, now, forever have 'Sorry' written on my left. I go in again. To write Jack, but the door busted open. I didn't even know that someone had been in my room. I looked up to see who it is.
Dr. Burns. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open a little. “Alex … Are …” He couldn't find words to say anything. Though he did drove down and pulled my wrist away from my left. It wasn't until then, I realized what I've done. That I could have died. That, I could have damned myself to hell.
“Oh, god. I'm sorry … I'm so sorry, Daniel!” I said threw tears, then everything went black.
“I'm sorry.” I said once I had snapped back into it. I think I had been repeating it the whole time while I was remembering. I looked up and saw Daniel. He was here. He's really here.
“Alex, did you do that to yourself?” He asked me, his voice still echoing. All I could do was nod. I didn't want my voice to stop his echo. I haven't heard his voice in so long. “Why?” He asked me.
I bit my lip. Do I really have to tell him? “Because …. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to Lisa. I'm sorry to Jack. I'm sorry to you!!” I yelled, my voice not echoing. My cheeks became wet as I cried. Damn it all, why am I crying so much lately?
“I'm the one that's sorry Lexy. I've caused so much pain. Especially to you. I'm so sorry.” Daniel said as he glowed. Yes, he was actually glowing, but I can't tell what color. All I could feel was something soft on my back. And my eyes were closing on their own. I felt like I was sleep but how can I? I'm standing up.
White ceiling. That's what I saw when I opened my eyes. White ceiling and a light. I can't totally make out the noises. All I know is that my left leg hurt, and I know why. I remember why. And I'm not proud of it at all.
I shifted my weight a little, and noticed some ball thing on the floor. I looked to see that the thing is Jack. He has his head down in between his knees, crying. I wonder what happen now. I hate to see him cry. I hate hearing him cry. I just hate it when Jack is sad.
Leaning down, I got closer to Jack, but not close enough. Screw it. I got off the bed, ignoring the pain that shot through my leg. Even when I got on my knees, I still felt the pain, but whatever. My best friend needs me right now. I wrapped my arms around him, protectively. I want to protect him from everything.
It only lasted a split second before Jack jumped basically out of his skin and I backed up as fast as I could. What the fuck? That's the first that had ever happen. Usually, Jack would snuggle into me. Or only jump slightly at my touch.
“J-jack,” I began carefully, trying not to scare him again. “Are you alright?” Well, that's a dumb question. “What's wrong?” Yeah, that's a better one.
Jack shook his head. “I'll tell you later.” He mumbled.
I sighed. “You swear you'll tell me?” I asked him.
Jack shrugged, I'll take that as a maybe.
I held out my pinky. “Pinky swear that you tell me, or you're going to be the next one in this hospital.” I lightly joked. I don't want to push him into being funny, when he's obviously isn't in a good mood.
Jack rolled his eyes, and weakly wraps his pinky around mine. Okay, this is pissing me the fuck off. So, I'm going to do something that will hopefully make both of us happy. I'm not sure if it'll make Jack happy, or if it'll even make me happy.
I pull Jack closer and kiss him on the lips. And I don't mean a peck either.
Which to my shock, it feels nice. Fuck, it feels great. Probably because Jack is kissing me back. It wasn't an innocent kiss either. Our lips were pressed together as if we were together, though there's no tongue. I've never noticed how soft his lips were. But then again, the only time we would kiss like this, is when I'm fucking wasted. Frowny face :(
The kiss only lasted a little over a minute when Jack freezes. I unhook my pinky from his and pull back slightly, though it's like our lips don't want to leave each other. My eyes opened to see the panic clear on Jack's face. I pull away fully then, though we are still close. I've never seen Jack go through a panic attack, that's usually me.
Jack then pushed me back, sort of rough, and I hit my head on one of the poles of the bed. Which really hurt. I look at Jack, he's still going threw his panic attack, so it was just reflex that he pushed me away. Not on purpose.
“Ow,” I said as I rubbed the back of my head. “That fucking hurt.” I admitted and looked at Jack. He was rocking back and forth. Muttering something under his breath that I can't quite understand. Though I heard something about fuck and head...... Awkwarddddd.
“Jack?” I called out to him, but he didn't answer. It doesn't even look like he fucking heard me. I tried to get up and over to him, but my leg just hurt too much. “Jack!” I called again. Still, nothing. God damn it, what's wrong with this boy.
I tired calling him about another five fucking times. Nothing, until the fifth. He looked up at me, a look of worry on his face
“You're bleeding.” He said simply. Wait, what?
I looked down, I see the blood he's talking about. My left thigh was bleeding, I guess some how I had reopened my wound. “Shit piss fuck,” and that was just the start of my string of cuss words.
I firmly pressed my hand on my leg, trying to stop the bleeding. Ironic how it's just the 'S' that's bleeding.
“Dude, I think your stitches ripped.” Jack said.
I looked up at him, confused. “Stitches?” How did he know about the cut? When the fuck did I get stitches?
Jack nodded as he got up, heading towards the door. “Now don't move! I'm going to get Dr. Burns. I'll be back.” He told me, I just moved a bit, trying to stop the bleeding more. “Stop fucking moving!” He yelled at me.
I just stare at him. “Really Jack? Really?”
“Yes, now shut up and don't move!”
“Can I at least pu--” I began.
“NO!!”
Damn. But I couldn't help but to chuckle at Jack's funny/seriousness. Jack then left, to go get the doctor.
It was about 45 minutes later that I finally got out of the hospital. As along as I stayed on the pain killers and my anti-depressant. Jack and I are currently in the car, listening to Jack's radio. Honestly, why isn't anything good coming on?!
“You want food?” Jack asked me.
“Yeah, kind of.” I said, then winced when I rubbed my legs together.
“What do you want?” He asked me, then looking both ways before entering the street.
While he was driving, I thought about where I want to eat. All I have had was hospital food. “PANERA BREAD!” I yelled in my sexy British accent.
“Really, Lex? That's all the way on the other side of town.” He complained.
“Pweaz Jacky?” I asked him, being my cute self. Well, pretending to be. He looked at me from the corner of his eye, then sighs. Power to my pouty face!
“Fine,” He muttered then looked back to the road. I clapped happily, though I'm really not. Time to go back to this suck ass radio. They need good songs and now!
That's it, I'm looking for a CD. I open Jack's glove compartment, searching for a certain CD I know this fucker has. I gave it to him in return for his pocket knife. I wonder if I could get my CD back since Jack has his knife back. Note the sarcasm.
I pushed in the CD into the player, and skipped to Lullabies.
“Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye. It could be for the last time and it's not right...”
“Put Up or Shut Up?” Jack asked me when we got to a red light.
I shook my head. “Party Scene.” I answered. Put Up or Shut Up has too many emotional songs. Though it's kind of ironic that I'm listening to the one that hits home the hardest.
“Why this song?” He asked me.
“I wanted to listen to it!” I said, maybe a little too defensively. But, it's true. I … I just want to feel what Daniel did. To remember the pain that it brought all of us.
“Come on, AssGarth. Let's go reek havoc.” He winked at me. I smiled at him, showing a bit of my rat teeth. Then got out of the car with him, since we are here at Panera.
As we walked in, my eyes went right to the menu hanging up. I don't know what I want. My eyes never left the menu. God, I don't remember the last time I had Panera.
When I got up to the counter, I finally knew what I wanted. “A cinnamon bagel and a soda.” I told the women. I looked to where Jack is, well where I thought he was. I looked around for him, to see he's still standing near the entry. What is he looking at?
“JACK BASSAM! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” I yelled kind of like it was a song. I don't want him to know that I'm in a bad mood. Jack didn't move at all. Fucker. I look at the women. “One moment please.” I told her with a smile then went to Jack. Latching onto his arm.
Jack looked down at me. “Come on, Jacky. You need to order. I'm hungry.” I said, pouting a bit. I really am hungry. Don't get me wrong, hospital food is good food but they didn't always have what I like.
Jack shook his head. “I'm not hungry. I'll pay and get the food.” He said and made his way to the counter. He paid for my food and waited with me. Something was wrong with him. I could tell by the look on his face, but my own depression kept me from asking him. Though I am worried about him, I just have a feeling if I were to say something now, he would get mad at me. I wonder if it's because I …. did that …. that's he's mad. Is he mad at me?
“I'll be back in a few minutes, Lex.” Jack said then left with someone. Someone that I hate. Danny Reedy.
Why is Jack going outside with Danny? What's going on between the two of them? But the one thing I don't understand the most is; why are they even friends? Danny's only, what?, 16 I think. And yet, he's friends with Jack's who is 19, almost 20.
“Sir.” I heard a female voice say, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked back at the women and grabbed my food. I nodded to her as a thank you and left the store.
I got outside but it seemed like neither Jack nor Danny noticed me at all. Well, at least Jack has his back to me. Danny, I'm actually not so sure about. He might have seen me, but not sure.
“You know how I feel about Alex!” Danny yelled. Oh that's nice... Wait, what? They're talking about me? What the hell for?
“You can't tell me that I'm not allowed to talk to my best friend!” Jack said, his voice lowered. So, Danny doesn't want Jack to hang around me? Well, guess what douche bag, I was his friend first and I'm his best friend now! Jack can do whatever the fuck he wants. I mean, I still let him hang out with you.
“I can do whatever the fuck I want!” Danny yelled back. I should have cut in then, I know I should have. I needed to, but my voice just didn't work.
Jack sighed. “Can we talk about this later?” What the fuck Jack? He just yelled at you and you're still willing to talk to him, but with me, you yell back or just leave. Is Danny really more important to you than I am?
A women had came up and enter Panera, grabbing both Jack's and Danny's attention. I had moved slightly, so it looked like I had just came out of Panera, though I didn't do that on purpose. I just stood there, holding my bag of food, looking back at Jack and Danny. I'm still kind of shock. They were just having a fight and I'm in the middle of it. Now that I think about it. I know that fight. It's a couple fight, but Jack and Danny are just friends. So, I guess a friend fight for them.
“Fine.” Danny said, sounding very annoyed. Jack had looked at him. “I'll see you at your house.” He stated a second later. He lean in and kissed the corner of Jack's mouth, then went back inside of Panera. Okay, maybe it was really a couple fight. But they both are guys. Does that mean …. Jack's gay? Like, for real gay? Not like on stage when we joke around.
Jack then looks at me. “Um, how much of that did you hear?” He asked me. Um, enough to know that Danny is trying to control your life and I want to beat the fucking shit out of him.
But I couldn't tell him that. “Just when you guys looked at me, so nothing really.” I lied to him. He seemed to think it over for a second, but nodded in the end. “Uh, Jack. I have to ask you something.” I said.
He looked confused then as we headed back to the car. “Um, okay. Shoot.” He said.
I paused for a moment. Should I really ask him this? I guess I have a right to know, I am his best friend. “Jack … are you and Danny ….like... you know …. dating?” I asked as we got to the car.
And without missing a beat, Jack answers, “Yes.”
Well, that kind of shocked me. I mean, I should have known that my best friend is gay. I mean, it would explain why he hasn't had a girlfriend in years. And how he's so believable on stage when we act gay. Damn, how did I not know that?!
“You coming Lex?” Jack asked from in the car.
I snapped out of my daze and get in the car. I put on my seat beat and let my mind wander. Why would Jack keep something like that from me? Does he not trust me or something? That seems to be the center of all my problems right now, trust.
“Why didn't you tell me?” I asked him in a small voice.
He glanced at me then back to the road, I think. I only saw it from the corner of my eye. He sighed. “Tell you what?” He asked.
Did he seriously forget about what happen earlier? Though he wasn't looking at me, I gave him my are-you-fucking-shitting-me? Look.
“Why didn't you tell me that you're gay?” I demanded angrily.
He didn't answer me for a while. It wasn't till we were stopped at a red light that he looked at me. He exhaled. “I didn't tell you because...” He looked away from me and up at the light. “I was afraid of losing my best friend.” He finished. Damn, I feel like a dick now.
“Jack, I don't care that you're gay.” But I do care that you're dating Danny. But I'm not going say the last part.
We were at mine and Rian's place when I said that. Just when I was about to say bye, Jack spoke.
“You care about something.” He muttered ending the awkward silence between us.
I sighed roughly. “I care that you didn't tell me and I care that you're dating Danny.” Fuck, that last part wasn't suppose to come out. Damn it all.
He glared at me.
“He's only 16, Jack, you're 19. besides he's a total dick!” I informed him since he remained silent.
“How can you say that?! You don't fucking know him!” He yelled at me. Well, I know him enough that you act different whenever he's around and that you're up his ass.
“I know that he's not good enough for you!” I shouted at him. If it wasn't for the fact that we were in a fight right now, I probably would have blushed at what I said. After all, I do have a crush on him.
“Oh yeah? Then who is good enough?” He lowered his voice when he asked me that.
Me.
But I can't fucking say that. I mean, I'm going out with Lisa. I'm going to make things work with Lisa.
“You know what, get out.” He stated glaring at me.
“Wh-what..?” I stuttered.
“I said get out,” He repeated harshly.
“Jack...”
“Get the fuck out, Alexander!” He yelled at me.
God damn it, there goes him calling me Alexander again. I sigh in defeat and get out of his mum's car.
“Call me,” I said through the window then walk inside.
“I'm hoooooooooooooooooome.” I called childishly as I walked though the door. Wow, it's a lot cleaner then the last time I was here.
Rian popped out of the hall way. “Alex!” He yelled as he ran to me with open arms.
I chuckled and ran to him, hugging him when we met. I missed Rian for …. what was it? … two or three days? I don't know … I just know I wasn't home Sunday. Shit, I missed NASCAR. That's right, I'm a closet NASCAR fan. Damn it, I wonder who won the race.
“Alex, how are you?” He asked me as he looked over me. His eyes stopped at the small bag in my hand. My medication. “What's in the bag?”
I sighed. “I'm better now. And these are my pain killers and …. anti-depressant.” I said bitter sweetly. “The only reason I got to leave is if I take them every day.”
Rian looked at me. I know what he's thinking about. Anti-depressant, well I did just get the shit beaten out of me by my girlfriend. I think I may be a little bit depressed about that. “Oh, I see. What time do you have to take them, I'll help you remember. We should probably start taking our normal vitamins.” He said.
I nodded. “Well, I gotta go … Did you DVR my shooow?” I asked slowly and awkwardly.
Rian gave me a weird look. “That's creepy, but yes. NASCAR freak.” He said as he rolled his eyes. Rian is the only person that knows about my liking for NASCAR.
“Go to hell, Dawson's Creek.” I said then walked up to my room.
When I walk into my room, I put my bag of drugs on my dresser and make way over to my bed with Jack's charmander plushie that I stole from him when my Aflac duck went missing. Bastard probably took it. That was my Carl Edwards' Aflac too!
I plopped down on my bed and pulled charmander to my chest as I grabbed my remote. “Time for some Martin and Edwards awesomeness.” I muttered to myself and start to watch the recorded race.