Wow, what a night......
I need to start off by explaining things that happened back in Junior year of high school in order for anyone to understand what just happened tonight.
Okay so junior year I met a girl named Karen from Virginia. Her and I became inseparatable. She had a friend who lives in Las Vegas (LV) named Paul, and Paul has a friend named Cameron who at the time lived in Greensboro, NC. If anyone has ever heard me talk about going to NC for school, but instead I chose Erik and stayed here, I chose I wanted to go to NC because of Cameron. Okay so Paul came down to visit Karen. While down me and him got to be really good friends. He decided he wanted to hook me up with his friend Cameron, since I guess Karen and him had the hots for each other. So I started talking to Cameron, well actually I think I might've started talking to Cameron a little bit before Paul came to Boca. So whatever I started talking to Cam and he was the sweetest, most caring and considerate guy I had ever talked to up until that point, and honestly probably still is. If anyone has seen Road Rules, I don't know which one, but with Theo. Cameron looks like Theo and damn they are both wise in the same respect. That was the season I stopped watching Road Rules because Theo reminded me too much of Cam. So we became close. Well I got to know Paul and started crushing on him, but didn't tell anyone. After he came to Boca he went to GA for some work for a month and a half before he was going to come back to Boca for another week. Well right after he went to GA he called me and confessed that while trying to get to know me for Cam's sake he had started a little crush on me. Well so now I was dealing with both Cam and Paul and it was tough, seeing as I was only 16 at the time. Well Cameron was supposed to come down and meet me when Paul came back the second time. Well in that month Paul confessed to Cam and told him that it wouldn't be wise to come, because Paul had a crush on me. So Cameron got all pissed, and told me Paul would treat me bad, and he was just playing me and what not. Paul came back to Boca Raton and stuff happened between us, he was almost my first, but he wasn't. Karen told Paul to leave me alone because all he would do was hurt me, so he decided to end whatever it was that was going on. Cam basically got pissed when Paul did that and they stopped talking for a little while and then Cam stopped talking to me since he figured I was only talking to him because of sloppy seconds, and his pride couldn't handle that.
Well through the last 5 years me and Cam have kept in touch. He's in the Army now stationed in Hawaii, big step up from Korea where he was last year. Well so I get to talk to him occassionally maybe once every couple of months. He's always had the ability to get under my skin and rub me just the right way, figuratively speaking. He is the reason I know that's what I want in a guy, but whatever. Yeah so every time I talk to him all of my feelings and things come flooding back. My heart starts pounding, my stomach gets butterflies, and I can't help but smile. Way back when I really did care for him and love him, and I've told him as much as he has also told me. So yeah through Erik, Mike, Chris, ?, and my random guy over the summer Tony I never can forget about Cam. He is alwasy there in the back of my mind, and when things start to get bad I talk to him. Even Chris has never given me the warm feeling that Cam gives me when I talk to him, and after 5 years that's something.
So now what happened tonight. I've been down because of money and about Chris and what I should do with him. There's no doubt in my mind that I love him, it's just I dunno, I don't think I'm in love with him. I think he's been a comfort blanket through the years. A very emotional rollercoaster of a comfort blanket, but nonetheless a comfort blanket. He has been there to pick me up after Erik and all of those problems, and yes he still makes me feel better when I am down. Well since I've been upset and I couldn't talk to Chris tonight to make me feel better about mankind, I imed Cam. Usually he is away, like he was when I imed him, but he imed me back at around 10:15pm. I started talking to him about stupid stuff like his penis, don't ask he's very proud of it, and yes I've seen it. In pics and on his webcam. Actually we started talking about that and then he was like I still have my webcam you want me to use it. I said sure and he turned it on and I could see him, and wow I got the butterflies as soon as I saw him. I think he's cute and he has dimples, but I don't know if others would think he was cute. Oh well that's not really the point of all this. So yeah, well I started typing to him and he would say something and like normal I would say what I was typing out loud to myself. He asked if I had a mic on my computer and I was like no I don't, cause honestly I don't have one, or so I thought. He the preceeded to tell me what i was saying and we realized that I must havea mic on my computer. So I got to actually talk to him for like two hours. I got to meet a few of his buddies and some girl, who is just a friend, but got me scared there for a second. Well the entire time I couldn't stop smiling, he still has that hold on me.
Oh I almost forgot, Yeah so we started talking about how time flys and how he is 24 years old and he asked if I was legal and I was like sure am, turned 21 this year and then I said to him but you knew that cause you know when my birthday is, and he's like you're right you are 3 years younger (major positive since he is older) and you're birthday is in August. I told him I was impressed, but he could get more sex when I see him (an ongoing thing between us since we've never actually met in person face to face) if he could tell me the date. And he did. He said I think it's August 12th. I could not believe that he remembered that. I mean hell I have friends now that don't remember my birthday. Not to mention I remember his too, which he did ask me about, August 18th. So yeah I told him I was impressed. Which honestly I really really was, and I couldn't believe he remembered.
So yeah we talked for a while about bullshit stuff, but it was nice because all of his friends included me in their conversation, which was strange since they don't know me but it was very comforting. Cameron actually took the camera and introduced me to everyone lol. It was funny. But okay yeah sorry everything is just so fresh in my head and I don't want to leave anything out. So yeah he had to go to the mall to go get a halloween costume and said goodbye. Well I didn't know what to do. I had all these feelings in my mind and body, which I always get when I talk to him. So i told him that when he gets a chance and he's alone I wanted to talk to him about some stuff. Well he imed me back like 5 minutes later and told me that he was alone and we could chat, and he opened his camera thing back up. He asked if there was someting in particular I wanted to talk about or if I was just wanting to talk to him, I told him now it was stuff in particular. So I asked him the same question he asked me in the beginning of the conversation, what is he curious about with me? He gave such sweet and honest answer, it's actually so amazing listening to a guy talk from their heart. He told me that he's just curious what coul dhappen between the two of us because after 5 years he still wonders about it, which obviously means something. I told him I agree.
Right then and there his friends came back. I thought for sure he was going to tell me he had to go and he would talk to me later. Instead he stopped his friends and said he guys give me a few minutes and then we'll go to the mall. They asked if he was talking to me again cause they could hear me, and he said yeah and it was important, so he'll meet them in a little while. They gave him a hard time and said no no come on now, and he's like no look I'll meet you guys in a little bit, this is important. He wouldn't stop until they left the room and let him talk to me all by himself.
I know he knew what I wanted to talk about, and he was giving me a hard time like stop being bashful and stuff. He always says that bashfull. Everytime I act like that. Sorry just something I'm realizing. So yeah I basically told him that I don't know I just am confused how every time I talk to him everything comes back and I get all smiley and stuff. Well just then my mic cut out and I couldn't talk anymore so I had to type the rest. Which really sucked cause I wanted to tell him this stuff in words not by typing. But whatever I told him how I get butterflies, and I can't stop smiling and my heart pounds and stuff. After I told him that I just told him that it was confusing cause I don't know what to make of it. He told me to thinka bout it and we'd talk again, but I told him no I wanted to finish the conversation tonight. He point blank asked if I ever loved him. I told him honestly yes I did. The he said something else and I said uh huh and he's like well don't deny how you are feeling now. I told him I wasn't denying anything. Basically he was giving me a hard time cause he knows how I feel and he just wanted me to tell him, and he told me to just say it because he feels the same. So then he asked if I still love him now. I just had to think about that for a second. He was like uh oh you ar thinking too long, that's not good. You could see the worry on his face, it was cute. And I sat here and thought about things and admitted it to myself and him, that yes I still do love him. I really do. No one has ever made me feel the same way he does. I never have gotten so giddy with anyone before, not even Chris. Cam took my really shitty day and turned it into one of the best days I've had in a while, and that is hard to do. So he told me he still feels the same way and wishes I could come and visit him in Hawaii so we could hang out with no strings. Just see how we feel face to face or what not with no hurt feelings either way. I told him I wish I could come out there. Maybe I can for graduation. Who knows. Then we talked about how it's been so long and he knows in his heart that there's obviously a reason that we both feel this way, which god is so not what I'm used to. Well he said he had to go and that he wanted to talk to me again soon, and then said "I love you" and blew me a kiss.
I think I figured everything out. I think I really do love him. Nicole you remember the stories about Cam. You remember me saying that I would marry him if he had asked me back when I was like 16. Well guess what, it's 5 years later and I'm even more sure of that fact. If he asked me right now to marry him, I would do it in a heart beat. There's just something about, there always has been. I have never forgotten him or our plans for Jack Glmp Apas Island. First, Middle, and Last initials of me, Karen, Paul, and Cam. Some things are just meant to be. I think that's the reason that I'm with these people that don't treat me the way they should. And maybe that's why I'm not willing to let go, cause no one seems right for me at all. Maybe Cameron is the person for me, and maybe only when we can be together will I be able to let go of Chris. Who knows, all I know is what I feel when I talk to Cam and whether or not that's love who knows, but I know that I get all shy (or bashful), my heart pounds, I get all smiley, my face gets red, and I get butterflies in my stomach. So what would you call that?
~always Angela
Okay so junior year I met a girl named Karen from Virginia. Her and I became inseparatable. She had a friend who lives in Las Vegas (LV) named Paul, and Paul has a friend named Cameron who at the time lived in Greensboro, NC. If anyone has ever heard me talk about going to NC for school, but instead I chose Erik and stayed here, I chose I wanted to go to NC because of Cameron. Okay so Paul came down to visit Karen. While down me and him got to be really good friends. He decided he wanted to hook me up with his friend Cameron, since I guess Karen and him had the hots for each other. So I started talking to Cameron, well actually I think I might've started talking to Cameron a little bit before Paul came to Boca. So whatever I started talking to Cam and he was the sweetest, most caring and considerate guy I had ever talked to up until that point, and honestly probably still is. If anyone has seen Road Rules, I don't know which one, but with Theo. Cameron looks like Theo and damn they are both wise in the same respect. That was the season I stopped watching Road Rules because Theo reminded me too much of Cam. So we became close. Well I got to know Paul and started crushing on him, but didn't tell anyone. After he came to Boca he went to GA for some work for a month and a half before he was going to come back to Boca for another week. Well right after he went to GA he called me and confessed that while trying to get to know me for Cam's sake he had started a little crush on me. Well so now I was dealing with both Cam and Paul and it was tough, seeing as I was only 16 at the time. Well Cameron was supposed to come down and meet me when Paul came back the second time. Well in that month Paul confessed to Cam and told him that it wouldn't be wise to come, because Paul had a crush on me. So Cameron got all pissed, and told me Paul would treat me bad, and he was just playing me and what not. Paul came back to Boca Raton and stuff happened between us, he was almost my first, but he wasn't. Karen told Paul to leave me alone because all he would do was hurt me, so he decided to end whatever it was that was going on. Cam basically got pissed when Paul did that and they stopped talking for a little while and then Cam stopped talking to me since he figured I was only talking to him because of sloppy seconds, and his pride couldn't handle that.
Well through the last 5 years me and Cam have kept in touch. He's in the Army now stationed in Hawaii, big step up from Korea where he was last year. Well so I get to talk to him occassionally maybe once every couple of months. He's always had the ability to get under my skin and rub me just the right way, figuratively speaking. He is the reason I know that's what I want in a guy, but whatever. Yeah so every time I talk to him all of my feelings and things come flooding back. My heart starts pounding, my stomach gets butterflies, and I can't help but smile. Way back when I really did care for him and love him, and I've told him as much as he has also told me. So yeah through Erik, Mike, Chris, ?, and my random guy over the summer Tony I never can forget about Cam. He is alwasy there in the back of my mind, and when things start to get bad I talk to him. Even Chris has never given me the warm feeling that Cam gives me when I talk to him, and after 5 years that's something.
So now what happened tonight. I've been down because of money and about Chris and what I should do with him. There's no doubt in my mind that I love him, it's just I dunno, I don't think I'm in love with him. I think he's been a comfort blanket through the years. A very emotional rollercoaster of a comfort blanket, but nonetheless a comfort blanket. He has been there to pick me up after Erik and all of those problems, and yes he still makes me feel better when I am down. Well since I've been upset and I couldn't talk to Chris tonight to make me feel better about mankind, I imed Cam. Usually he is away, like he was when I imed him, but he imed me back at around 10:15pm. I started talking to him about stupid stuff like his penis, don't ask he's very proud of it, and yes I've seen it. In pics and on his webcam. Actually we started talking about that and then he was like I still have my webcam you want me to use it. I said sure and he turned it on and I could see him, and wow I got the butterflies as soon as I saw him. I think he's cute and he has dimples, but I don't know if others would think he was cute. Oh well that's not really the point of all this. So yeah, well I started typing to him and he would say something and like normal I would say what I was typing out loud to myself. He asked if I had a mic on my computer and I was like no I don't, cause honestly I don't have one, or so I thought. He the preceeded to tell me what i was saying and we realized that I must havea mic on my computer. So I got to actually talk to him for like two hours. I got to meet a few of his buddies and some girl, who is just a friend, but got me scared there for a second. Well the entire time I couldn't stop smiling, he still has that hold on me.
Oh I almost forgot, Yeah so we started talking about how time flys and how he is 24 years old and he asked if I was legal and I was like sure am, turned 21 this year and then I said to him but you knew that cause you know when my birthday is, and he's like you're right you are 3 years younger (major positive since he is older) and you're birthday is in August. I told him I was impressed, but he could get more sex when I see him (an ongoing thing between us since we've never actually met in person face to face) if he could tell me the date. And he did. He said I think it's August 12th. I could not believe that he remembered that. I mean hell I have friends now that don't remember my birthday. Not to mention I remember his too, which he did ask me about, August 18th. So yeah I told him I was impressed. Which honestly I really really was, and I couldn't believe he remembered.
So yeah we talked for a while about bullshit stuff, but it was nice because all of his friends included me in their conversation, which was strange since they don't know me but it was very comforting. Cameron actually took the camera and introduced me to everyone lol. It was funny. But okay yeah sorry everything is just so fresh in my head and I don't want to leave anything out. So yeah he had to go to the mall to go get a halloween costume and said goodbye. Well I didn't know what to do. I had all these feelings in my mind and body, which I always get when I talk to him. So i told him that when he gets a chance and he's alone I wanted to talk to him about some stuff. Well he imed me back like 5 minutes later and told me that he was alone and we could chat, and he opened his camera thing back up. He asked if there was someting in particular I wanted to talk about or if I was just wanting to talk to him, I told him now it was stuff in particular. So I asked him the same question he asked me in the beginning of the conversation, what is he curious about with me? He gave such sweet and honest answer, it's actually so amazing listening to a guy talk from their heart. He told me that he's just curious what coul dhappen between the two of us because after 5 years he still wonders about it, which obviously means something. I told him I agree.
Right then and there his friends came back. I thought for sure he was going to tell me he had to go and he would talk to me later. Instead he stopped his friends and said he guys give me a few minutes and then we'll go to the mall. They asked if he was talking to me again cause they could hear me, and he said yeah and it was important, so he'll meet them in a little while. They gave him a hard time and said no no come on now, and he's like no look I'll meet you guys in a little bit, this is important. He wouldn't stop until they left the room and let him talk to me all by himself.
I know he knew what I wanted to talk about, and he was giving me a hard time like stop being bashful and stuff. He always says that bashfull. Everytime I act like that. Sorry just something I'm realizing. So yeah I basically told him that I don't know I just am confused how every time I talk to him everything comes back and I get all smiley and stuff. Well just then my mic cut out and I couldn't talk anymore so I had to type the rest. Which really sucked cause I wanted to tell him this stuff in words not by typing. But whatever I told him how I get butterflies, and I can't stop smiling and my heart pounds and stuff. After I told him that I just told him that it was confusing cause I don't know what to make of it. He told me to thinka bout it and we'd talk again, but I told him no I wanted to finish the conversation tonight. He point blank asked if I ever loved him. I told him honestly yes I did. The he said something else and I said uh huh and he's like well don't deny how you are feeling now. I told him I wasn't denying anything. Basically he was giving me a hard time cause he knows how I feel and he just wanted me to tell him, and he told me to just say it because he feels the same. So then he asked if I still love him now. I just had to think about that for a second. He was like uh oh you ar thinking too long, that's not good. You could see the worry on his face, it was cute. And I sat here and thought about things and admitted it to myself and him, that yes I still do love him. I really do. No one has ever made me feel the same way he does. I never have gotten so giddy with anyone before, not even Chris. Cam took my really shitty day and turned it into one of the best days I've had in a while, and that is hard to do. So he told me he still feels the same way and wishes I could come and visit him in Hawaii so we could hang out with no strings. Just see how we feel face to face or what not with no hurt feelings either way. I told him I wish I could come out there. Maybe I can for graduation. Who knows. Then we talked about how it's been so long and he knows in his heart that there's obviously a reason that we both feel this way, which god is so not what I'm used to. Well he said he had to go and that he wanted to talk to me again soon, and then said "I love you" and blew me a kiss.
I think I figured everything out. I think I really do love him. Nicole you remember the stories about Cam. You remember me saying that I would marry him if he had asked me back when I was like 16. Well guess what, it's 5 years later and I'm even more sure of that fact. If he asked me right now to marry him, I would do it in a heart beat. There's just something about, there always has been. I have never forgotten him or our plans for Jack Glmp Apas Island. First, Middle, and Last initials of me, Karen, Paul, and Cam. Some things are just meant to be. I think that's the reason that I'm with these people that don't treat me the way they should. And maybe that's why I'm not willing to let go, cause no one seems right for me at all. Maybe Cameron is the person for me, and maybe only when we can be together will I be able to let go of Chris. Who knows, all I know is what I feel when I talk to Cam and whether or not that's love who knows, but I know that I get all shy (or bashful), my heart pounds, I get all smiley, my face gets red, and I get butterflies in my stomach. So what would you call that?
~always Angela