...take me back to last year and ill sell you my soul...
so here i am...back at lj...altho not like jr year when all we wanted to do was brag about our faaaaaaaaaabulous lives and show all you lurkers how hot we all are...now im back because i dont know where else to go
when kish asked me why i never update i answered because its so depressing everyone will feel suicidal after reading my thoughts...but ( Read more... )
oddly enough, i can relate to how you're feeling so much. my entire high school life up until this summer i was so depressed. just constantly depressed and didn't know what to do with myself nor did i know what would make it better. but this last summer when i did amigos again, i met the most amazing people i had ever met in my entire life. though i was only with all of the other volunteers for 9 days out of the 2 months, in those 9 days i became closer to a handful of them than i've been with ANYONE in my ENTIRE life. for the first time i had real, true, genuine friends, something that i had never had before. and then i had to leave
i had to leave to come back home which i never wanted to do. i didn't miss my parents. i didn't miss my house. i didn't miss orinda. i didn't miss any of my friends. i didn't even miss electricity or running water. i just wanted to stay there because i was actually happy and i actually had friends that cared as much about me as i cared about them. but i couldn't stay, so i here i am in my senior year with pretty much no friends
i don't go out anymore. i just don't really have friends, and though people say "what are you talking about?! everyone loves you!", people sure do show it in weird ways. i never get calls saying "let's hang out" or anything like that. after having such genuine and honestly life changing friendships this last summer, i have to come home where i feel like every one of my friendships is fake and superficial. i don't have friends anymore. i sit at home pretty much every weekend. i've started to read a lot, and sit in my room and read on friday nights. i haven't done any substance for 5 months. not necessarily by choice, but when no one is inviting you out i'm not going to be someone that i'm not and put myself out there so i can get wasted in some capacity. it sucks.
so what i feel we both have to figure out is what is going to make it better? how are we going to be happy again? how are we going to have great friends again? how will it ever change?
at the moment all i'm looking forward to is college. right now i'm putting all my faith in that college will be this eden, thsi place where everything is better and i'll make amazing friends like i had this summer and i can put orinda far behind me. but that could just be wishful thinking. who knows if college will be that great...but at the moment i know that i can put faith in that thought and it will bring me some sort of comfort.
for you it's a little harder. you are at college already and you're experiencing a lot of the stuff (or at least similar stuff) that i'm experiencing. i would say just stick with it. really hunker down and get caught up on everything. dedicate a week to just working non-stop to be caught up in all your classes. maybe without all of the extra work you would have more time to be social? also, if all else fails, you can always transfer. it wouldnt' be the end of the world by any means. while USC is an amazing school, you could transfer to plenty of other amazing schools and get just as great of an education.
i sorta rambled in this and didn't really say anything poignant, but i just want you to know you're definitely not alone in what you're feeling
jason
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i like wat u said about how no one else can understand how u feel this way...people have told me it couldnt possibly be like this...that i must be the life of the party with all my girlfriends and tons of guys waiting in life for my number...nice thought...but so far off my reality...
...doesnt it make u wonder wat happened? like how did i become this person...
...im a shadow of who i was...
or maybe i am on the verge of becoming someone else?
who knows but i dont like it and i want this to end...soon...
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