Dear TV:
My 30 Rock DVD is on because I need to counteract the powerful danger that is this post.
Summer TV is insane. Seriously, insane. In the summer, even those of us who are too old for real summer vacations are more relaxed and well rested. We can enjoy the outdoors with a bike ride, a trip to the beach, or petting a dog outside. Yes, you can only pet a dog outside in the summer. In the winter, all dogs will bite your hand off because they are afraid they will never see food again. Ask any dog owner. Its true.
So why, after all this rest and relaxation, has the entertainment industry decided we are completely incapable of thinking? All major "award contenders" are released in the winter, while the summer is reserved for superhero movies and ninety minutes of people farting.
But this isn't about movies. This is about television.
First of all, American Gladiators. I know, I know, its a remake and its on during the winter too. According to numbers I've completely made up, its popularity spikes during the summer months, and NBC runs it constantly. It was on six times last week. And here is what's messed up on about the show:
1. The heroes are unclear. The audience clearly was filmed seconds after a someone yelled into a microphone, "Who wants a free t-shirt from the t-shirt cannon?!" and the same footage is just looped over and over. That is the only explanation, since they seem to show equal enthusiasm for the Gladiators and the competitors. Who is supposed to win? Why would we root for the Gladiators? Aren't they musclebound hit men hired by the network to beat down the contestants? This is a mob type situation, complete with glittery jumpsuits.
Yeah, I've never seen an episode of The Sopranos. Can you tell?
2. They promised me The Hulk themed episode would "feature Lou Ferrigno". He sat in the audience and clapped! That's not "featuring" him! That's not even notable!
3. They must force contestants to say stupid things to incite the rage of the gladiators. No person in their right mind would threaten 6'2" HELGA. Seriously, the woman is a beast. She is so scary the producers didn't even make her choose a name to fit in the tradition of Gladiator nicknames. No Zap Or Lightning for this faux Scandinavian she-giant. HELGA is her name, bellowing across state lines is her game.
That's enough of that. Not only NBC is ruining our minds over the summer. ABC has ripped off completely the popular series MXC (Most Extreme Elimination). They claim that it is mostly ripped off from Fear Factor, which is an odd lie. Why claim to steal one show more than another? Its still unoriginal. Anyway, a lie is a lie, and its American MXC featuring the original host of Talk Soup and Some Guy, and its called Wipeout.
Contestants have to do insane obstacle courses (the qualifier is literally impossible for anyone to complete in the manner they are supposed to, and is instead designed to kill people they pull of the streets and force to be on this show) while being mocked mercilessly for the chance to win some money.
So, yes, this means in the last week I have watched episodes of both of these shows. And yes, I fully realize that I am slowly lose my mind...in....timespan
Remember, live every week like its shark week!
Summer TV is insane. Seriously, insane. In the summer, even those of us who are too old for real summer vacations are more relaxed and well rested. We can enjoy the outdoors with a bike ride, a trip to the beach, or petting a dog outside. Yes, you can only pet a dog outside in the summer. In the winter, all dogs will bite your hand off because they are afraid they will never see food again. Ask any dog owner. Its true.
So why, after all this rest and relaxation, has the entertainment industry decided we are completely incapable of thinking? All major "award contenders" are released in the winter, while the summer is reserved for superhero movies and ninety minutes of people farting.
But this isn't about movies. This is about television.
First of all, American Gladiators. I know, I know, its a remake and its on during the winter too. According to numbers I've completely made up, its popularity spikes during the summer months, and NBC runs it constantly. It was on six times last week. And here is what's messed up on about the show:
1. The heroes are unclear. The audience clearly was filmed seconds after a someone yelled into a microphone, "Who wants a free t-shirt from the t-shirt cannon?!" and the same footage is just looped over and over. That is the only explanation, since they seem to show equal enthusiasm for the Gladiators and the competitors. Who is supposed to win? Why would we root for the Gladiators? Aren't they musclebound hit men hired by the network to beat down the contestants? This is a mob type situation, complete with glittery jumpsuits.
Yeah, I've never seen an episode of The Sopranos. Can you tell?
2. They promised me The Hulk themed episode would "feature Lou Ferrigno". He sat in the audience and clapped! That's not "featuring" him! That's not even notable!
3. They must force contestants to say stupid things to incite the rage of the gladiators. No person in their right mind would threaten 6'2" HELGA. Seriously, the woman is a beast. She is so scary the producers didn't even make her choose a name to fit in the tradition of Gladiator nicknames. No Zap Or Lightning for this faux Scandinavian she-giant. HELGA is her name, bellowing across state lines is her game.
That's enough of that. Not only NBC is ruining our minds over the summer. ABC has ripped off completely the popular series MXC (Most Extreme Elimination). They claim that it is mostly ripped off from Fear Factor, which is an odd lie. Why claim to steal one show more than another? Its still unoriginal. Anyway, a lie is a lie, and its American MXC featuring the original host of Talk Soup and Some Guy, and its called Wipeout.
Contestants have to do insane obstacle courses (the qualifier is literally impossible for anyone to complete in the manner they are supposed to, and is instead designed to kill people they pull of the streets and force to be on this show) while being mocked mercilessly for the chance to win some money.
So, yes, this means in the last week I have watched episodes of both of these shows. And yes, I fully realize that I am slowly lose my mind...in....timespan
Remember, live every week like its shark week!