(no subject)
I can't sleep tonight. Too stressed out. I did so good today. I ate nothing! I almost took a bite of banana when my daughter handed it to me, but stayed strong and threw it in the trash. I am glad I didn't eat anything, since if I had, I would only be hating myself for it. It isn't worth the "mind screw" afterwards. I feel like such a failure when I am not strong and resisting food. I just feel sick.
Anyway, I am proud of myself today. One boost for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And, 0 cal. tea...peppermint tonight to help me unwind. It is 2 a.m. so I don't think it worked very well. But, it could be that I am not sleeping because of all the pills I popped today.
I should be asleep. I was able to stick to the limits I set for myself. And, I should be happy right now. But I am not. I am already thinking of taking away one more can of Boost tomorrow. It is always something I wish I hadn't eaten.
My goal for this month is to not eat any solid food. Just go back to Ensure and Boost until my stomach shrinks some more. Then, I won't have to worry about overeating. If I am on a liquid diet for a month, my stomach will be the size of my fist. And, any tiny amount of food will simply be enough.
I hate this fat that clings to my bones. I want to see my bones again in the mirror. God, why do I have to be such a pathetic fat ass? I know I should be happy. I was finally a success. I hope to stay strong tomorrow. My dad is coming up to help me with Hana while I go to a dentist appt. I scheduled it for 11 so that way I can skip lunch and he won't notice anything. I hate it when other people are in my house. It makes things harder to hide. I love having no one here except my daughter. My life is so happy then. I must stay strong this month. Then, maybe I won't feel like such a failure for all of this weight.
I MUST LOSE THIS FAT OFF MY BODY.