(no subject)
I have kept under 500 cal. for today! Woo hoo!
1 can of slimfast, and 1 can of Boost with Protein.
Going for 0 cal. hot tea soon.
I am so happy. But, my two year old has been bringing me "bites" of food. I have been hiding them from her and throwing them away. I feel awful doing this. She hasn't seen mommy eat lately, and been trying to feed me.
It breaks my heart, since I felt this way as a kid when my mom was starving herself. I can't believe she understands so much at just 2 years!
Well, I am staying strong, and have been playing "pretend" dinner with her. Eating imaginary food off of a toy plate with her. She is happy now that she is "feeding" mommy and a doll of hers. I am starting to feel guilty. This life was so much easier when I was single, and lived by myself. But, now that I am a mom, it is just harder with her always with me. I have given up this lifestyle to become pregnant with her, and a year to breastfeed, and a year to be busy being mom. But, now it is time to focus on myself and be happy again.
I want to cry everytime I take a shower and see myself in the mirror. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to get big. I am glad I had a healthy baby, and glad that I breastfed her for a year. But, I hate the fact that my body has changed, and I have become this horrible, fat monster. YUCK!
I just have to get through the day, and hopefully go to bed early. Then, tomorrow is a new day! 500 cal. or less, and it starts all over again.
Going for the cup of warm tea.....Chicago is getting very cold and that sounds so good right now.