??
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
You keep telling me to find happiness. Tell me to be happy. Tell me all you want is for me to be happy. Then you deny me my happiness.
I see a friend whom I haven't seen for many years. Now she freaks out (understandably) over her situation with her and her ex, and doesn't want to hang out for a while... even though I made it clear that wasn't why I was hanging out with her...
You say nothing is complicated, and I have continuously found the exact opposite. As we become older, we carry around tons and tons of baggage. We become beaten and bruised by the years and the ones who beat us and mistreat us. True, unconditional love is so infrequent and so rare that when you find it, you should never let it go. And I can't let it go. I believe that it is futile to ever seek out the same love with another. Everything I do or see reminds me of you. I can't get past it. I've tried. I'm tired of trying to find someone else, to let go. I'm tired of trying to fix myself, when it is impossible to be fixed. I've thought about seeking psychiatric help, but really, what would they do? Prescribe me some brainwashing drug that voids my being of all thought, emotion, and aspiration? I've tried that before as well, but not to forget about you, but to try to figure out why I was always so down.
Maybe the reason I am so down is because I see and feel things that no one else can see or feel. I believe that I feel more pain on a daily basis than others, and I don't believe that it is my own. I can gaze into a crowd and tell what's going on in random situations, even when it may not be completely obvious. I pick up on body language, on facial expressions, eye movements, hand movements, twitches. You name it, I see it, and I can tell what is going on and what might happen in the next moment.
Why then, do I feel so lost at the same time? I'm stuck in some limbo between life and death, happiness and sadness, progression and regression, love and loneliness. I can't get out. I can't find anyone to help me out of it. There is no one around to help me. Some days I think that I don't need help from anyone else, that I can do it for myself. It motivates me for a short time, and then something happens that plunges me back into the icy waters I am currently drowning in.
I can't fucking stand how easy this is for you. Maybe that is my fault at the same time... But now, it seems when I act like I don't give a shit (and that is really difficult to do, when it comes to you), you actually want me. You call me drunk and want me to come pick you up off the side of the road, or let you vent because you got in a fight with a friend, or you just want to talk with me in my car until the sun rises. When we are together, everything seems fine. It seems like we're almost back to where we were. As soon as I drive away, and leave you where you are, though, it all changes. I think everyone should have their own personal life, no doubt, you can't spend every waking moment with someone, that's just not healthy. But at the same time, that's what you do with your new best friend, and roommate. You are with him ALL the time. I can't compete with that. I work weird hours, and mostly on the weekends. Conveniently, when I am available, you won't answer until you're wasted coming home from a bar with your sugar daddy and some other douche bags. While I am relieved you answer finally, it just angers me to find out all you were doing that whole time was hanging out with other guys, getting stupid drunk, putting yourself in situations which I have had to rescue you from numerous times, or clean up the pieces afterwards and tell you it will be okay.
I know I used to do the same thing in a way, but at least the people I hung out with weren't of the opposite sex, and didn't OBVIOUSLY want to date or fuck me. I guess maybe I'm just reaping all of the shit I have sown over the years.
Whatever. I wish I could say I don't care. I'm almost to that point, but I know somehow that as soon as I take my eye off of you, you will be gone forever. I couldn't take that. The saddest thing I can think of is letting our connection go to waste and be weakened by time and space.
We will all die someday. I used to think I wanted to die alone. You changed that. Now I fear that I will end up doing just that.
Awesome. 5am, and I have to be up at 8 to get to work at 9. Fuck my life. Kill me now.
You keep telling me to find happiness. Tell me to be happy. Tell me all you want is for me to be happy. Then you deny me my happiness.
I see a friend whom I haven't seen for many years. Now she freaks out (understandably) over her situation with her and her ex, and doesn't want to hang out for a while... even though I made it clear that wasn't why I was hanging out with her...
You say nothing is complicated, and I have continuously found the exact opposite. As we become older, we carry around tons and tons of baggage. We become beaten and bruised by the years and the ones who beat us and mistreat us. True, unconditional love is so infrequent and so rare that when you find it, you should never let it go. And I can't let it go. I believe that it is futile to ever seek out the same love with another. Everything I do or see reminds me of you. I can't get past it. I've tried. I'm tired of trying to find someone else, to let go. I'm tired of trying to fix myself, when it is impossible to be fixed. I've thought about seeking psychiatric help, but really, what would they do? Prescribe me some brainwashing drug that voids my being of all thought, emotion, and aspiration? I've tried that before as well, but not to forget about you, but to try to figure out why I was always so down.
Maybe the reason I am so down is because I see and feel things that no one else can see or feel. I believe that I feel more pain on a daily basis than others, and I don't believe that it is my own. I can gaze into a crowd and tell what's going on in random situations, even when it may not be completely obvious. I pick up on body language, on facial expressions, eye movements, hand movements, twitches. You name it, I see it, and I can tell what is going on and what might happen in the next moment.
Why then, do I feel so lost at the same time? I'm stuck in some limbo between life and death, happiness and sadness, progression and regression, love and loneliness. I can't get out. I can't find anyone to help me out of it. There is no one around to help me. Some days I think that I don't need help from anyone else, that I can do it for myself. It motivates me for a short time, and then something happens that plunges me back into the icy waters I am currently drowning in.
I can't fucking stand how easy this is for you. Maybe that is my fault at the same time... But now, it seems when I act like I don't give a shit (and that is really difficult to do, when it comes to you), you actually want me. You call me drunk and want me to come pick you up off the side of the road, or let you vent because you got in a fight with a friend, or you just want to talk with me in my car until the sun rises. When we are together, everything seems fine. It seems like we're almost back to where we were. As soon as I drive away, and leave you where you are, though, it all changes. I think everyone should have their own personal life, no doubt, you can't spend every waking moment with someone, that's just not healthy. But at the same time, that's what you do with your new best friend, and roommate. You are with him ALL the time. I can't compete with that. I work weird hours, and mostly on the weekends. Conveniently, when I am available, you won't answer until you're wasted coming home from a bar with your sugar daddy and some other douche bags. While I am relieved you answer finally, it just angers me to find out all you were doing that whole time was hanging out with other guys, getting stupid drunk, putting yourself in situations which I have had to rescue you from numerous times, or clean up the pieces afterwards and tell you it will be okay.
I know I used to do the same thing in a way, but at least the people I hung out with weren't of the opposite sex, and didn't OBVIOUSLY want to date or fuck me. I guess maybe I'm just reaping all of the shit I have sown over the years.
Whatever. I wish I could say I don't care. I'm almost to that point, but I know somehow that as soon as I take my eye off of you, you will be gone forever. I couldn't take that. The saddest thing I can think of is letting our connection go to waste and be weakened by time and space.
We will all die someday. I used to think I wanted to die alone. You changed that. Now I fear that I will end up doing just that.
Awesome. 5am, and I have to be up at 8 to get to work at 9. Fuck my life. Kill me now.