soul cleanse-ification
so this night's entry (as drama filled as it may be) is my soul purging or cleanse-ification as i like to call it..
i've been at odds kind of about my best friend lately... i'm not at all sure how to proceed nor am i sure of our "relationship" at this point.. i dont wanna make too much of it nor do i want to undercut it's value and in the process of making decisions, i've managed to kinda slip back in the stagnant rhythm that has always existed between.. namely, he calls when he wants and i sit around waiting for him to call.. why i never call him is unknown to me (maybe i dont wanna seem intrusive or something) but i dont anymore...when he does call me now, he'll call from work and talk to me for about a minute (our last convo was about 4-5 days ago and it lasted a total of one minute and twenty-two seconds) and then say he'll talk to me later.. it's really weird.. it's like he refuses to call me from his house or something.. i remember when he'd call me in the middle of the night just to talk.. didnt matter if he woke me up or not ~i think he liked waking me up.. he used to tell me how cute i sounded half asleep..:)~ but anyways, it's not like that anymore for many reasons i suppose and i'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the way we are right now.. perhaps it's as it should be.. i sure feel the difference though...
i think i think about it more now, the differences are more pronounced that is, cause i'm going home in a few weeks and i thought i wanted to see him and spend time with him but now i'm not so sure.. i dont think it'd be any good for either of ur to pretend that everything's peachy and that we can continue on like this cause i dont think i can.. its' not one fault though, a natural occurrence of time and space between two people.. especially two people with as shaky a relationship as we had to begin with.. i said once that even though i dont know what i'd ever do without him ( wouldnt know how to function as sad as that is... i say that because my first inclination for everything begins and end with him... whenever anything happens, good or bad, he's the first one that i wanna run to and i have to physically make myself stop.. even when i dont share things with him, i think "what would he say in this situation?" and that's enough to help me) us being together like this shouldnt ended a long time ago.. people are meant to change and grow and maintaining a friendship with so many strains on it is tough for anyone, let alone ex's that never really forgave each other for the relationship failure... the stars are not aligned in our favor i'm afraid and i think he had the right idea the first time he cut me off.. lord knows why he came back.. i think he's realizing it was a mistake now cause when we talk, it's never for very long and it's never really about anything and we end up getting into a little spat and ending the conversation (last time it was cause i didnt say hello when i answered the call, i said "wassup".. couldnt tell if he was serious or joking but he ended to conversation all the same).. everything seems so hard now.. and maybe it's just me being overly deep but i cant help it you know...
i keep comparing him to the way he was before the fight and i keep drawing the same conclusions.. things are distinctly, painfully, overtly different and when i think about that, i think about why things are different which only reminds me of the fight and how badly he was hurt and how it was my fault and it makes me sadder and sadder... why not just call it off?.. part of me is punishing me for hurting him and treating him so badly.. i mean if i feel sad just remembering it, how was he feeling as it was happening to him??.. i cant stand it.. my brain cant see anything else and it's effecting my school work.. i just failed my math midterm and handed in back to back d+ papers in crim. and all cause i'm distracted.. all i wanna do is sleep(which is exactly what i did today) and crawl into my roommate's bed to hide.. but even in my sleep i'm thinking about it.. i've been having all these weird dreams about when i was younger and i have no clue what any of them means... i cant remember them in the morning but i wake up three or four times a night and have multiple dreams because of it..
this is why i call this entry a "soul purging"... i've been thinking about this alone for weeks to the point that it's made my stomach hurt.. maybe throwing up on paper will make me feel better..i cant let this go, it's become some kind of sick obsessive mission for understanding or something.. i dont even know what i want him to tell me..he wont even tell me he loves me anymore.. he only says it when i say it first(which is not the same as saying it first) and even then it's halfhearted and out of habit..i think he thinks i only say it to him cause i want something from him.. he gets suspicious which i find strange because when we were younger it seems like all he wanted from me was my love and how he has it and it's either not what he thought it would be or he doesnt know what to do with it so he doubts it as a defensive mechanism (not mean to sound like a shrink here but that is my future profession)..what sucks the most is that i cant even tell him.. he hears accusations in everything when really i'm only pointing out observations..maybe he wont talk to me cause of how stuck i seem to be and how hell bent i am on making sense of things...
wish i could just wake up one day and say "ok i'm done with it now"
only in movies is life ever that simple
grr
i've been at odds kind of about my best friend lately... i'm not at all sure how to proceed nor am i sure of our "relationship" at this point.. i dont wanna make too much of it nor do i want to undercut it's value and in the process of making decisions, i've managed to kinda slip back in the stagnant rhythm that has always existed between.. namely, he calls when he wants and i sit around waiting for him to call.. why i never call him is unknown to me (maybe i dont wanna seem intrusive or something) but i dont anymore...when he does call me now, he'll call from work and talk to me for about a minute (our last convo was about 4-5 days ago and it lasted a total of one minute and twenty-two seconds) and then say he'll talk to me later.. it's really weird.. it's like he refuses to call me from his house or something.. i remember when he'd call me in the middle of the night just to talk.. didnt matter if he woke me up or not ~i think he liked waking me up.. he used to tell me how cute i sounded half asleep..:)~ but anyways, it's not like that anymore for many reasons i suppose and i'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the way we are right now.. perhaps it's as it should be.. i sure feel the difference though...
i think i think about it more now, the differences are more pronounced that is, cause i'm going home in a few weeks and i thought i wanted to see him and spend time with him but now i'm not so sure.. i dont think it'd be any good for either of ur to pretend that everything's peachy and that we can continue on like this cause i dont think i can.. its' not one fault though, a natural occurrence of time and space between two people.. especially two people with as shaky a relationship as we had to begin with.. i said once that even though i dont know what i'd ever do without him ( wouldnt know how to function as sad as that is... i say that because my first inclination for everything begins and end with him... whenever anything happens, good or bad, he's the first one that i wanna run to and i have to physically make myself stop.. even when i dont share things with him, i think "what would he say in this situation?" and that's enough to help me) us being together like this shouldnt ended a long time ago.. people are meant to change and grow and maintaining a friendship with so many strains on it is tough for anyone, let alone ex's that never really forgave each other for the relationship failure... the stars are not aligned in our favor i'm afraid and i think he had the right idea the first time he cut me off.. lord knows why he came back.. i think he's realizing it was a mistake now cause when we talk, it's never for very long and it's never really about anything and we end up getting into a little spat and ending the conversation (last time it was cause i didnt say hello when i answered the call, i said "wassup".. couldnt tell if he was serious or joking but he ended to conversation all the same).. everything seems so hard now.. and maybe it's just me being overly deep but i cant help it you know...
i keep comparing him to the way he was before the fight and i keep drawing the same conclusions.. things are distinctly, painfully, overtly different and when i think about that, i think about why things are different which only reminds me of the fight and how badly he was hurt and how it was my fault and it makes me sadder and sadder... why not just call it off?.. part of me is punishing me for hurting him and treating him so badly.. i mean if i feel sad just remembering it, how was he feeling as it was happening to him??.. i cant stand it.. my brain cant see anything else and it's effecting my school work.. i just failed my math midterm and handed in back to back d+ papers in crim. and all cause i'm distracted.. all i wanna do is sleep(which is exactly what i did today) and crawl into my roommate's bed to hide.. but even in my sleep i'm thinking about it.. i've been having all these weird dreams about when i was younger and i have no clue what any of them means... i cant remember them in the morning but i wake up three or four times a night and have multiple dreams because of it..
this is why i call this entry a "soul purging"... i've been thinking about this alone for weeks to the point that it's made my stomach hurt.. maybe throwing up on paper will make me feel better..i cant let this go, it's become some kind of sick obsessive mission for understanding or something.. i dont even know what i want him to tell me..he wont even tell me he loves me anymore.. he only says it when i say it first(which is not the same as saying it first) and even then it's halfhearted and out of habit..i think he thinks i only say it to him cause i want something from him.. he gets suspicious which i find strange because when we were younger it seems like all he wanted from me was my love and how he has it and it's either not what he thought it would be or he doesnt know what to do with it so he doubts it as a defensive mechanism (not mean to sound like a shrink here but that is my future profession)..what sucks the most is that i cant even tell him.. he hears accusations in everything when really i'm only pointing out observations..maybe he wont talk to me cause of how stuck i seem to be and how hell bent i am on making sense of things...
wish i could just wake up one day and say "ok i'm done with it now"
only in movies is life ever that simple
grr