(no subject)
what's worst is knowing it's yr own fault. i was on lithium for over three years. i was told i was bipolar. the psychiatrist always tells you it's not yr fault. it's a disease. "like diabetes". i stopped taking lithium nearly 6 months ago. i was not sick. i am not sick. i am deluded. i lied to myself. it's my fault. it's my insecurity, my lack of self esteem. my lack of faith in myself and the people around me. it has nothing to do with a sickness. it was an excuse, a lie. it was a lie of convenience. the acquital i sought after for so long. i let myself off of the hook. it was me. it's always been me. fear or an unwillingness to take responsibility. something like that. i admit it. i am to blame. i am to blame. i am to blame. it's self pity. it's feeling sorry for myself. it's disappointment in the face of what the world supposedly "owes" you. it owes you nothing. all that time i called my father a cynic. figured him to be the root of it all. "he brainwashed me", i said. "he taught me to be so cynical". he would say, "no one in this world will give a damn about you except you." and i thought that it was this negativity that i learned (or so i believed) that left me feeling as if i were alone. he wasn't right, but he wasn't wrong. he was somehow, strangely, both at the same time. its my own walls, my own barriers. i am alone because i refuse to accept responsibility for the conditions of my loneliness. i feel alone because i refuse to acknowledge that i isolate myself. because i refuse to believe that i could be loved or cared about. and that's pathetic. denying myself the things i "lack" so i could fulfill some poor, sick, pathetic prophecy i held in my own head. to prove myself right. it's like refusing treatment for a sickness. it was conscious. it was a fault, a failure. there is blame to be laid. and now i see it. lay the blame on me. on me. on me.