(Untitled)

[sexbeat_go]

i don't write about this kind of stuff often, or in my journal at all. but i'm writing about it tonight. i've been single for almost 4 years. in those 4 years i've had 2 sexual encounters (with the same person), but it was definitely a casual situation. and i have to say, i've struggled with that. feeling lonely or unwanted or rejected. but what i'

Comments

[crapediem]

Greetings!

I'm a casual Nick Drake fan and had commented on a mutual friend's blog. You had briefly responded in kind, and I came over now out of curiosity to check your profile and saw this one post. I hope you don't mind if I comment here since it is a public post. My own profile is deliberately vague and uninformative, but (at least temporarily) I'll friend you so you have at least temporary access to my benign entries though they may not really give you a sense of my background.

Disclaimer: unlike many others on LJ etc., I'm neither a writer, nor a musician though I admire each calling. With this said, my apologies for what is likely to be taken as a confused ramble. I hope some of my comment below makes sense.

I have been officially single since about early 1999 (not counting a few rare booty calls with an ex and some light, non-committal subsequent dates). Most of this has been deliberate and by choice. In my case, I realized I just didn't really want the hassles of trying to be in a relationship again, the frequent drama, obligations, misunderstandings, disappointments, etc. Please note that my own relationships often ended with a lot of nonsense if not (usually) any real trauma or heartbreak; this is probably only because in the last few, I full well realized the relationships were long pass their usefulness or any real purpose.

Perhaps glaringly absent in the above is any mention of "love" or "commitment." I actually have interests and viewpoints on each, but I don't consider these necessary for my current discussions.

I decided to stay alone conscientiously for a lot of the recent years mostly because I realized I really didn't need/want a relationship in a true sense (believing that mutuality and reciprocity is vital for a healthy, mature relationship) in and of itself. "A" relationship often served for me as a convenience or as an appreciated distraction from the rest of my so-called 'real' life, at least until the honeymoon phase was over, or until the onset of drama when I couldn't extricate from it with ease. Also I realized that I was often running away from myself in many ways: resisting singleness was a way of avoiding who I was (not just identity issues, but basically my whole history, general life, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go). Clearly I realized that I had a tremendous amount of hostility and hatred towards myself and my environments, and often projected on anyone that had the naivete or the foolishness to enter my inner sanctum (of my heart, mind, etc.). So my last several years was a vitally personal adventure (maybe journey) in a different way. Much of this has been trying to understand whether I "love" or can "commit" to myself at a true level. Ultimately I realized that I had to be more honest and aware of myself before I could expect anyone else to be the same with me, too.

With all this said (hopefully it made sense), I realized that it's not so bad nor frightening to be "alone" if I actually loved and understood myself. I'd rather be alone and genuine with who I am, than be in a shallow relationship (or a relationship based on bad fundamentals, self-deceit, or other) which only fueled contempt for self and contempt to/from others.