My last entry...
I'm Movin' On
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
Chorus
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I thought I would pen this as a probable last entry considering in less than 24 hours I will be having surgery. One would probably wonder as to why I would write this since I have had a significant amount of surgeries under my belt, but this time, it is different. I have a weird feeling about this that lurks 'round in the back of my head. I cannot shake the feeling, nor can I ignore it. It has found it's place among my thoughts for countless days and it is the thought of dying. I know that this is my time to go and why I chose the option of not being resuscitated. Though some have argued that I am being stupid, and so, I am writing every thought that comes to mind.
If anything, anyone who knows something 'bout me knows how in touch I am with everything that goes on in this world. Through out my life I was known as the guy who would rather sit and listen to the air than go out, yet I did the latter in hopes of inpressing friends. I would change myself to allow others to accept me, and I wish I had not done that. I wish I had not sacrificed my well being and stature for a life of that would only last 4 years of high school. After losing a mother, a brother, and father all in that order, it is hard. It was always hard to wake up and know that no one is going to greet you as soon as you walk out your bedroom door. The hardest part 'bout everything was when my brother died. Having to move his stuff into boxes, or whenever I came home on the weekends and jus' cleaned up his room, I sat there. I could never finish, and perhaps I never wanted to. It is hard to come to such terms as losing someone so close to you; and so I have had this planned. I cannot keep doing this to my friends, family, and whoever might come to love me, nor can I do this to myself. I am tired of waking up with this heavy feeling upon my chest. I am tired of keeping a pace for my knee whenever I play a sport, and I am tired of refilling medicine that I take daily. I want to be free of that. I am growing weary of having to fear the "what if"s and the sigh of despair from doctors as they go over my medical evaluations, tests, studies, and examines. Nothing has changed since I was 5, and now that I am 21, nothing will get better. It all goes to hell.
Asking my friends to come over at odd times and spending a lot more of my day with them has been the greatest thing to come since.... well, a while. I know now what true friends are, and I know they have been there for me during a lot of complaining, whining, and stupid stuff that I could probably go on forever rambling about. But without them, I could not be the man I am today. They have helped form out of useless clay, a man named Bryce. I could not have the same respect for myself without their help and their unconditional love for me. I may not have a full set of family members, but because of them, they make up for it. I have the best family in the world and I could not ask for more, nor less from each and every one of them. I have turned to them when my own flesh and blood turned their backs on me. They picked me up when I stumbled and made a fool of myself which has been again, countless times. It takes God knows the kind of strength to endure everything I throw at someone, but they have all stayed. I could never have been so glad to know that they will never leave me and for that, I love them all with faults, and inequalities.
And then, I have the worst luck in love. But there is that infamous saying that goes "It is far better to have loved, than to have never loved at all." I am sure that I can vouched for that in all sincerity. Looking back, I could have never truly understand myself without each relationship. I could never have truly say to myself that my reflection off the mirror and my view of life has been 'cause of each girl. Each of them has brought out a certain aspect of myself that I could have never acknowledged without their help. In fact, I have them to thank for that. Some may have broke my heart, and I may have done the same vice versa, but that is a lesson well learned.
In everything I never really thought of this; this whole looking back on life. I look at my sister and I realize we are all that we have. I have her, and she has me. I could never abandon her. but in a sense I am. To my little sister, you are incredible. You have grown up so fast and so steady. You have a great amount of mom in you that I wish you could have experienced more. It is sad to know that you never had that chance, but you are impeccable. You endured dad to a point and I am sorry for not living up to that responsibility of being an older brother. Bruce would have been proud to know that you are a tough knocker. We as brothers were never really connected to you since you are the youngest, but when he died, a part of us died as well that led to us drifting apart. I will always love those moments where you wanted to be 'part of the guys, when you would follow me all over the house, and when you had your first heartache and I held you, my little sis. You are my little sister, and life will deal you the hardest hand ever dealt. But you know what, you may bust, you may fold, you may even stagger, but keep that poker face. I know you will grow up to be the greatest doctor in the world. And I want you to know that I loved you even more for saying you wanted to be a doctor to help me. I love you and I am sorry for this. Pain should never be dealt with alone, and so I am sure Micah will be a better brother for you as I was. Life is never 'bout money in your pocket, or your net worth, instead it is treasuring everything it gives you. Live a lot, not a little and maybe you might see what I see.
Family is important, and without them I would have never had this kind of opportunity. Micah, you are truly my lost brother. You took the ball out of my hands, and ended up showing me that brotherhood is not about being born on the same day, but that blood can always step up. You, Bruce and I were always close but since he died, and of last year we have grown closer. You were a savior man, and I hope you know that. Take great care of my sister, and the business. Pappy would be proud to know that everything he ever worked for and put his heart in, is in the greatest hands of the family. I wish you everything as well.
I messed so much of my life up when I think back. I could have been a better son to my dad. That is one relationship that I will never truly understand. I hated him so much for a great part of my life. His cheating, his infidelity, his lack of promises, his abandonment, and his thirst of alcohol killed us as a family. Every hit, every word that came out of his mouth seemed to smack reality right back to me. We were never a perfect family as it may seem, but we as a society seem to ignore the things that truly scares us. If someone had asked me if I could ever forgive my father for all the pain he has caused my family over the past 21 years, I would have said no. I have grown up, and realized that his mistakes have led a path to my life that I would have never taken back. I am a man who has seen everything, and has truly understood what it meant to grow up. I am a nice guy who is all too forgiving yet shields his heart from anything 'cause of him. My father, has not made me this way, but influenced it in better terms. I had no other person to look towards as I was growing up. His habits soon became mine, and I realized that Jennifer cheating on me all those times were something I wanted. I neglected everything that seemed to keep me rooted 'cause I never wanted to cause them the pain that I endured, that I know I possessed. It is there, that I realize far too late, that I am not my father. I am Bryce Ryder Batterton, not Daniel Chase Batterton.
Life is what we make it up to be. It can be overrated, it can be great, it can be horrible, but we are the ones who choose the way we wake up to it. I would never have had this kind of opportunity to meet people in my life like this. My heart, this condition, would have never opened my eyes to things such as purity in life without having to deal with this. I would never change this. Instead, I would wish that this could have happened sooner. When you notice that you do not have much time to live, or that death can happen in a blink of an eye, you suddenly want time to slow down. You want to rethink everything, you want to relive every memory, rethink every word you ever said to anyone, and you reanalyze every choice you made in your life or every choice you left pending 'cause you were scared. If anything, what I want left is this. I want this to be a hint, that you cannot wait. Take a risk, make a choice, do not leap, but jump head first.
For anyone who I have hurt, or damaged our connection I am honestly sorry. For the souls that have not left a mark on me, I am disappointed but am sure that the marks you left on others are breathtaking. To the memories that would have been made, I am saddened to not be able to be apart of it. But to the ones that have forever engraved their names upon my life, my heart, my soul, my being, my significance, I love you guys, whether it be enemies, or friends. As for the memories of the past, I can only be grateful to have experienced such emotions as joy, sadness, disappointment, love, and hope.
I want to be remembered, whether good or bad as Bryce Ryder Batterton who was born hard headed and stubborn. He was kind to those who were stone cold, and allowed a sense of being to those who were lost. He loved the game of baseball and lacrosse as much a man who can love Superbowl Sunday. If you catch him near sunset and the sun reflects right, you will see a man at peace. And if you see him near the ocean, you will see a man completely and utterly satisfied. He has loved as much as a fat kid loves the feeling of greed in food, and he has lost as much as a man is willing to give up without losing pride. Bryce Batterton lived not a complete life, but a fulfilling one at that.
Yea I want to be remembered jus' like that. As I close this, I want everyone, or anyone who happens to cross this to know that the world is the same even if one soul departs. It still turns, it still moves. Do not dwell on me, but dwell on the time wasted if you do. I could have never had this chance, dare I say opportunity, to meet you if you did not gradually allow me to. So I thank you for every minute, every second, and every moment you gave me.
Closing,
Bryce R. Batterton
One heck of a guy. ;)
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
Chorus
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I thought I would pen this as a probable last entry considering in less than 24 hours I will be having surgery. One would probably wonder as to why I would write this since I have had a significant amount of surgeries under my belt, but this time, it is different. I have a weird feeling about this that lurks 'round in the back of my head. I cannot shake the feeling, nor can I ignore it. It has found it's place among my thoughts for countless days and it is the thought of dying. I know that this is my time to go and why I chose the option of not being resuscitated. Though some have argued that I am being stupid, and so, I am writing every thought that comes to mind.
If anything, anyone who knows something 'bout me knows how in touch I am with everything that goes on in this world. Through out my life I was known as the guy who would rather sit and listen to the air than go out, yet I did the latter in hopes of inpressing friends. I would change myself to allow others to accept me, and I wish I had not done that. I wish I had not sacrificed my well being and stature for a life of that would only last 4 years of high school. After losing a mother, a brother, and father all in that order, it is hard. It was always hard to wake up and know that no one is going to greet you as soon as you walk out your bedroom door. The hardest part 'bout everything was when my brother died. Having to move his stuff into boxes, or whenever I came home on the weekends and jus' cleaned up his room, I sat there. I could never finish, and perhaps I never wanted to. It is hard to come to such terms as losing someone so close to you; and so I have had this planned. I cannot keep doing this to my friends, family, and whoever might come to love me, nor can I do this to myself. I am tired of waking up with this heavy feeling upon my chest. I am tired of keeping a pace for my knee whenever I play a sport, and I am tired of refilling medicine that I take daily. I want to be free of that. I am growing weary of having to fear the "what if"s and the sigh of despair from doctors as they go over my medical evaluations, tests, studies, and examines. Nothing has changed since I was 5, and now that I am 21, nothing will get better. It all goes to hell.
Asking my friends to come over at odd times and spending a lot more of my day with them has been the greatest thing to come since.... well, a while. I know now what true friends are, and I know they have been there for me during a lot of complaining, whining, and stupid stuff that I could probably go on forever rambling about. But without them, I could not be the man I am today. They have helped form out of useless clay, a man named Bryce. I could not have the same respect for myself without their help and their unconditional love for me. I may not have a full set of family members, but because of them, they make up for it. I have the best family in the world and I could not ask for more, nor less from each and every one of them. I have turned to them when my own flesh and blood turned their backs on me. They picked me up when I stumbled and made a fool of myself which has been again, countless times. It takes God knows the kind of strength to endure everything I throw at someone, but they have all stayed. I could never have been so glad to know that they will never leave me and for that, I love them all with faults, and inequalities.
And then, I have the worst luck in love. But there is that infamous saying that goes "It is far better to have loved, than to have never loved at all." I am sure that I can vouched for that in all sincerity. Looking back, I could have never truly understand myself without each relationship. I could never have truly say to myself that my reflection off the mirror and my view of life has been 'cause of each girl. Each of them has brought out a certain aspect of myself that I could have never acknowledged without their help. In fact, I have them to thank for that. Some may have broke my heart, and I may have done the same vice versa, but that is a lesson well learned.
In everything I never really thought of this; this whole looking back on life. I look at my sister and I realize we are all that we have. I have her, and she has me. I could never abandon her. but in a sense I am. To my little sister, you are incredible. You have grown up so fast and so steady. You have a great amount of mom in you that I wish you could have experienced more. It is sad to know that you never had that chance, but you are impeccable. You endured dad to a point and I am sorry for not living up to that responsibility of being an older brother. Bruce would have been proud to know that you are a tough knocker. We as brothers were never really connected to you since you are the youngest, but when he died, a part of us died as well that led to us drifting apart. I will always love those moments where you wanted to be 'part of the guys, when you would follow me all over the house, and when you had your first heartache and I held you, my little sis. You are my little sister, and life will deal you the hardest hand ever dealt. But you know what, you may bust, you may fold, you may even stagger, but keep that poker face. I know you will grow up to be the greatest doctor in the world. And I want you to know that I loved you even more for saying you wanted to be a doctor to help me. I love you and I am sorry for this. Pain should never be dealt with alone, and so I am sure Micah will be a better brother for you as I was. Life is never 'bout money in your pocket, or your net worth, instead it is treasuring everything it gives you. Live a lot, not a little and maybe you might see what I see.
Family is important, and without them I would have never had this kind of opportunity. Micah, you are truly my lost brother. You took the ball out of my hands, and ended up showing me that brotherhood is not about being born on the same day, but that blood can always step up. You, Bruce and I were always close but since he died, and of last year we have grown closer. You were a savior man, and I hope you know that. Take great care of my sister, and the business. Pappy would be proud to know that everything he ever worked for and put his heart in, is in the greatest hands of the family. I wish you everything as well.
I messed so much of my life up when I think back. I could have been a better son to my dad. That is one relationship that I will never truly understand. I hated him so much for a great part of my life. His cheating, his infidelity, his lack of promises, his abandonment, and his thirst of alcohol killed us as a family. Every hit, every word that came out of his mouth seemed to smack reality right back to me. We were never a perfect family as it may seem, but we as a society seem to ignore the things that truly scares us. If someone had asked me if I could ever forgive my father for all the pain he has caused my family over the past 21 years, I would have said no. I have grown up, and realized that his mistakes have led a path to my life that I would have never taken back. I am a man who has seen everything, and has truly understood what it meant to grow up. I am a nice guy who is all too forgiving yet shields his heart from anything 'cause of him. My father, has not made me this way, but influenced it in better terms. I had no other person to look towards as I was growing up. His habits soon became mine, and I realized that Jennifer cheating on me all those times were something I wanted. I neglected everything that seemed to keep me rooted 'cause I never wanted to cause them the pain that I endured, that I know I possessed. It is there, that I realize far too late, that I am not my father. I am Bryce Ryder Batterton, not Daniel Chase Batterton.
Life is what we make it up to be. It can be overrated, it can be great, it can be horrible, but we are the ones who choose the way we wake up to it. I would never have had this kind of opportunity to meet people in my life like this. My heart, this condition, would have never opened my eyes to things such as purity in life without having to deal with this. I would never change this. Instead, I would wish that this could have happened sooner. When you notice that you do not have much time to live, or that death can happen in a blink of an eye, you suddenly want time to slow down. You want to rethink everything, you want to relive every memory, rethink every word you ever said to anyone, and you reanalyze every choice you made in your life or every choice you left pending 'cause you were scared. If anything, what I want left is this. I want this to be a hint, that you cannot wait. Take a risk, make a choice, do not leap, but jump head first.
For anyone who I have hurt, or damaged our connection I am honestly sorry. For the souls that have not left a mark on me, I am disappointed but am sure that the marks you left on others are breathtaking. To the memories that would have been made, I am saddened to not be able to be apart of it. But to the ones that have forever engraved their names upon my life, my heart, my soul, my being, my significance, I love you guys, whether it be enemies, or friends. As for the memories of the past, I can only be grateful to have experienced such emotions as joy, sadness, disappointment, love, and hope.
I want to be remembered, whether good or bad as Bryce Ryder Batterton who was born hard headed and stubborn. He was kind to those who were stone cold, and allowed a sense of being to those who were lost. He loved the game of baseball and lacrosse as much a man who can love Superbowl Sunday. If you catch him near sunset and the sun reflects right, you will see a man at peace. And if you see him near the ocean, you will see a man completely and utterly satisfied. He has loved as much as a fat kid loves the feeling of greed in food, and he has lost as much as a man is willing to give up without losing pride. Bryce Batterton lived not a complete life, but a fulfilling one at that.
Yea I want to be remembered jus' like that. As I close this, I want everyone, or anyone who happens to cross this to know that the world is the same even if one soul departs. It still turns, it still moves. Do not dwell on me, but dwell on the time wasted if you do. I could have never had this chance, dare I say opportunity, to meet you if you did not gradually allow me to. So I thank you for every minute, every second, and every moment you gave me.
Closing,
Bryce R. Batterton
One heck of a guy. ;)