I...don't get it...
Things have just been...strange lately.....I'm myself, but I'm not...
I'm happy when...well, I'm usually just happy....but lately the tiniest thing has been able to set me off. Like a certain look from someone, the appearance of something/someone, music...anything at all, and suddenly I'm either totally depressed or filled with almost uncontrollable rage.
I don't get it...it wasn't like that before.....
Is this at all normal...?
This particularly happens when I think about the crap that happened with Rukia, Envy, and Ichigo....well, I guess I was kinda dragged in there too....
Geez, it happened so long ago...but it still hurts so much........all the things he kept from me, he lied to me...he wouldn't listen....
I can't believe how he just...took her side. And then we all found out that she really was pregnant....I thought those two were supposed to be my friends.. They've been on and on about Envy, Ichigo's been on and on about Envy not being a real friend or boyfriend or whatever when really...Envy's proved himself more to be a friend than they have in the end....
.....At least Envy told me things......Envy trusted me....I never so much particularly liked him but I..trusted him, too....and he hasn't really done anything to me yet. He's told me all about he and Rukia and his view of it, but that doesn't mean he lied to me like Ichigo was saying...
I can't believe I just can't let this go...dammit.
And then he said he wanted to talk to me....and I told him that I didn't want to talk to him............
And he left it alone.....
For the first time, he left it alone.....that makes me want to sit here and repeat all to myself over and over again "He really didn't want me around, I was worth nothing to him....my friendship to him meant nothing...", but then I remember that I told him I didn't want to talk to him, meaning I had nothing to do with him.....
I mean...I really don't want to talk to him...I don't want to face him at all.....but at the same time I wonder what he would have said....though I don't know how I would be able to stand face-to-face once again with the one person I put all my trust into, my first real friend, and a male, no less, someone I could trust though...him being there for me and me being there for him, just like how it was, whether or not he and Rukia were together (I didn't really like that either, but I was willing to give him up to her just to stay even as friends with him, friendship with him meant more to me than anything in the world)...........
....I had the feeling of...a family-kinda feeling...being with them...being with all of them......and now I just feel alone....my own family is gone....the only people I have left that I feel that I can trust is Goku and Envy...though I don't even want to trust them because I'm afraid they'll do the same thing, though something tells me that I can trust them...that being the same thing that told me I could trust Ichigo and that's what makes it hurt so much...
...I hate this....I hate this so much....I hate emotions....I hate them, why did Ichigo have to make them come out?! And then I get angry and look at everything else I just wrote and I suddenly just want to kill anyone and anything that gets in my way...I want to smash things, I want to hurt myself, I want to hurt other people....I thought I had this taken care of....
I want to forget all of this...I want to forget even having met Ichigo and Rukia.....I want it all to go away....
((Blahhh x_X Nabooru angst.))
I'm happy when...well, I'm usually just happy....but lately the tiniest thing has been able to set me off. Like a certain look from someone, the appearance of something/someone, music...anything at all, and suddenly I'm either totally depressed or filled with almost uncontrollable rage.
I don't get it...it wasn't like that before.....
Is this at all normal...?
This particularly happens when I think about the crap that happened with Rukia, Envy, and Ichigo....well, I guess I was kinda dragged in there too....
Geez, it happened so long ago...but it still hurts so much........all the things he kept from me, he lied to me...he wouldn't listen....
I can't believe how he just...took her side. And then we all found out that she really was pregnant....I thought those two were supposed to be my friends.. They've been on and on about Envy, Ichigo's been on and on about Envy not being a real friend or boyfriend or whatever when really...Envy's proved himself more to be a friend than they have in the end....
.....At least Envy told me things......Envy trusted me....I never so much particularly liked him but I..trusted him, too....and he hasn't really done anything to me yet. He's told me all about he and Rukia and his view of it, but that doesn't mean he lied to me like Ichigo was saying...
I can't believe I just can't let this go...dammit.
And then he said he wanted to talk to me....and I told him that I didn't want to talk to him............
And he left it alone.....
For the first time, he left it alone.....that makes me want to sit here and repeat all to myself over and over again "He really didn't want me around, I was worth nothing to him....my friendship to him meant nothing...", but then I remember that I told him I didn't want to talk to him, meaning I had nothing to do with him.....
I mean...I really don't want to talk to him...I don't want to face him at all.....but at the same time I wonder what he would have said....though I don't know how I would be able to stand face-to-face once again with the one person I put all my trust into, my first real friend, and a male, no less, someone I could trust though...him being there for me and me being there for him, just like how it was, whether or not he and Rukia were together (I didn't really like that either, but I was willing to give him up to her just to stay even as friends with him, friendship with him meant more to me than anything in the world)...........
....I had the feeling of...a family-kinda feeling...being with them...being with all of them......and now I just feel alone....my own family is gone....the only people I have left that I feel that I can trust is Goku and Envy...though I don't even want to trust them because I'm afraid they'll do the same thing, though something tells me that I can trust them...that being the same thing that told me I could trust Ichigo and that's what makes it hurt so much...
...I hate this....I hate this so much....I hate emotions....I hate them, why did Ichigo have to make them come out?! And then I get angry and look at everything else I just wrote and I suddenly just want to kill anyone and anything that gets in my way...I want to smash things, I want to hurt myself, I want to hurt other people....I thought I had this taken care of....
I want to forget all of this...I want to forget even having met Ichigo and Rukia.....I want it all to go away....
((Blahhh x_X Nabooru angst.))