(no subject)
i dont know. i went to aldens, just got back. we watched i-robot and he played his computer game and then we had nothing to do because we're boring so he kinda hinted he was going to bed soon so i left. i have no idea what he wants right now and im terrified to ask. but he did say he wanted to hang out again. and he hugged me good-bye and that was the best feeling ive had in so long.
i think its been shown that physical contact is important to the emotional stability of humans. i believe it. no one ever touches me. ever. theyre probably all afraid to... afraid some of my crazy will rub off on them, or scared that theyll touch me the wrong way or at the wrong time and trigger psychosis. this is understandable, every psychotic episode ive had was triggered by someone touching me in an acceptable way but my mind relating it to something else. but it hurts so much, when no one touches me. they make me feel so alien, so.... not human, unreal. sometimes i get scared that its not that they arent touching me, its just i cant feel it.
when im around people, like tonight, i realize how i appear to others; a little, scared, anxious, nervous girl. i just curl up so i take up almost no space and say nothing unless im spoken to. i just sit and twitch (damn paxil) it takes a long time for me to uncurl and start speaking, i have to be truly comfortable, and im not anymore. not with anyone.
its -20 degees farenheit, and today i decided to take pictures of myself in the snow in a miniskirt. if they turn out well ill post them next week sometime. im so weird, why do i like being frozen until it burns and then submerging myself in hot water to literally thaw out? when i die, i think ill freeze to death. on a roller coaster of course. im done.
i think its been shown that physical contact is important to the emotional stability of humans. i believe it. no one ever touches me. ever. theyre probably all afraid to... afraid some of my crazy will rub off on them, or scared that theyll touch me the wrong way or at the wrong time and trigger psychosis. this is understandable, every psychotic episode ive had was triggered by someone touching me in an acceptable way but my mind relating it to something else. but it hurts so much, when no one touches me. they make me feel so alien, so.... not human, unreal. sometimes i get scared that its not that they arent touching me, its just i cant feel it.
when im around people, like tonight, i realize how i appear to others; a little, scared, anxious, nervous girl. i just curl up so i take up almost no space and say nothing unless im spoken to. i just sit and twitch (damn paxil) it takes a long time for me to uncurl and start speaking, i have to be truly comfortable, and im not anymore. not with anyone.
its -20 degees farenheit, and today i decided to take pictures of myself in the snow in a miniskirt. if they turn out well ill post them next week sometime. im so weird, why do i like being frozen until it burns and then submerging myself in hot water to literally thaw out? when i die, i think ill freeze to death. on a roller coaster of course. im done.