breathing is a foreign task and thinking is just too much to ask
last night was horrible. just awful. i came home from work at 4 and just got in bed and cried and cried. im so miserable. i literally have no one. i mean ive got my online friends to talk to, but i really just need someone to be HERE with me. to hold me and listen to me and everything alden used to be able to do. i havent been touched in so long. i mean alden still hugs me, but when i think about it, besides him in the past few days no one has even touched me in months. no wonder i feel isolated. i hate this time of year. its always the same. my birthday reminds me how few people care. thanksgiving reminds me of how poorly i fit in with my family. christmas is like a giant disappointment. when i was at aldens on thursday, his mom asked me what my most memorable christmas was, i had to make something up because all i could remember was the year when my parents fought so horribly the neighbors called the police. my dad ran over my moms foot with his car. we had cereal for dinner while the police interviewed us all.
i read one of my friends' journals. he broke up with his g/f (if you read this, im sorry to hear it) and he was talking about how he cares about her enough to wait for her to come back. not forever though obviously, i do need to move on and i am, he said. well im not. and i wont. i will never care about anyone like i care about alden and i know this. i care more about him than myself. i will wait for him forever and if i cant have him, then i will have no one. i do not want anything less than what he and i had. if alden was in love with someone else, not me, i would devote my life to getting that person for him so he could be happy. i truly would. i would rather see him happy than make myself happy. i would live for him, i would die for him, anything. i cant express how honest i am being and how strongly i truly mean that. i feel it like it is the only thing i ever have or ever will feel.
i hate my life. not just now, i hate the whole damn thing. i want to erase it all and start over. i dont want any of my memories anymore.
i dont eat anymore. ive just stopped. i didnt mean to, but food makes me feel sick and i never have the energy to get up and find something. its 3, so in another hour i will have been in bed for 24 hours straight. i just want to sleep, wake me up in june. 3 weeks left in the semester, maybe i can make it through so ill at least get credit for my classes. i had a dream i got my report card, and i failed almost everything. wouldnt surprise me.
i also had a dream that i woke from screaming. i was somewhere surrounded by everyone i know and they were all sick and dying. alden had become an alcoholic; ironic. everyone in my life who has ever hurt me was addicted to alcohol. alden doesnt drink, but in my dreams now, he does, just like everyone else. then i dreamed i was in bed and hiding from my sister, she was coming after me. then she came at me from under the bed and thats when i woke up to see a girl standing above my bed with a knife. i screamed and then the hallucination went away. but that was around 4 this morning and i never got back to sleep. i want to bleed. i randomly found one of my needles yesterday; thats what i used to do, stick hypodermic needles through my wrist till i punctured the artery, or at least thought i did. i probably didnt though, considering i never bled to death. i dont want to kill myself, i dont think like that anymore. its just if i were to find out i was dying, i wouldnt fight it.
i read one of my friends' journals. he broke up with his g/f (if you read this, im sorry to hear it) and he was talking about how he cares about her enough to wait for her to come back. not forever though obviously, i do need to move on and i am, he said. well im not. and i wont. i will never care about anyone like i care about alden and i know this. i care more about him than myself. i will wait for him forever and if i cant have him, then i will have no one. i do not want anything less than what he and i had. if alden was in love with someone else, not me, i would devote my life to getting that person for him so he could be happy. i truly would. i would rather see him happy than make myself happy. i would live for him, i would die for him, anything. i cant express how honest i am being and how strongly i truly mean that. i feel it like it is the only thing i ever have or ever will feel.
i hate my life. not just now, i hate the whole damn thing. i want to erase it all and start over. i dont want any of my memories anymore.
i dont eat anymore. ive just stopped. i didnt mean to, but food makes me feel sick and i never have the energy to get up and find something. its 3, so in another hour i will have been in bed for 24 hours straight. i just want to sleep, wake me up in june. 3 weeks left in the semester, maybe i can make it through so ill at least get credit for my classes. i had a dream i got my report card, and i failed almost everything. wouldnt surprise me.
i also had a dream that i woke from screaming. i was somewhere surrounded by everyone i know and they were all sick and dying. alden had become an alcoholic; ironic. everyone in my life who has ever hurt me was addicted to alcohol. alden doesnt drink, but in my dreams now, he does, just like everyone else. then i dreamed i was in bed and hiding from my sister, she was coming after me. then she came at me from under the bed and thats when i woke up to see a girl standing above my bed with a knife. i screamed and then the hallucination went away. but that was around 4 this morning and i never got back to sleep. i want to bleed. i randomly found one of my needles yesterday; thats what i used to do, stick hypodermic needles through my wrist till i punctured the artery, or at least thought i did. i probably didnt though, considering i never bled to death. i dont want to kill myself, i dont think like that anymore. its just if i were to find out i was dying, i wouldnt fight it.