JEEEEEEEEERK.
wall of text has appeared.
you know? after a lot of people telling you that if you do what you want instead of studying a usual career, well, you will be starving for the rest of your life, i thought, for some reason, a stupid reason, that the cliche anti-artistic quote was right.
three years ago i started painting realism, basically to give gifts to people I care, like my mom, my dad, my brothers, etc, and I'm good painting realism (in my opinion, not in a selfish-arrogant mode), and one day (this year) I painted Hugh Laurie, it took like three hours, not too much, and I did it just for fun, because I like House MD and stuff, and well, for the first time, I saw my dad being proud of me. I felt bad.
my mom was always proud of me, of what I do, she even tells to their clients that I'm an artist even if I don't like that word. She always supported me, yeah, in everything even if i'm a jerk or sometimes i don't care about the shit of anyone, she always punched me in the face and told me to STFU and try to be a human being, but not my dad, oh no.
so when i saw his "i'm so fucking proud" face i didn't know if I had to felt good, or felt like crap because he was proud of something that is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, for living, for being happy and emofag stuff.
i tried to change my style (what the fuck is a style?), but everytime i drew something, or tried to drew something, i couldn't, i just couldn't. everything was awful.
what the fuck, it was like going back in time and draw crappier and crappier, and i'm not talking about something that happened long time ago, i'm talking of something that happened till a week ago, for more than five months.
the frustration of drawing nothing but just the shit i was trying, the realismanimuwhareveritwas with extremely realistic colouring and extremely realistic proportions and batshit, because i wanted to change to make my dad feel proud, shit, it was killing me.
i was killing my own characters, i was killing the manga i'm working on, the work of years of trying to get my own shit even if animu is overrated, and for what? just to make someone who can't see talent just because it is not what he consider talent, happy? and what about me?
(seriously, i made gaspar look like an oldfag, what the hell)
"i'm hiding everything from everyone. do not look at my shit. " that's what i was doing.
even when sometimes i had my free-speech moments and I just drew what was in my head, still, there was a ghost telling me to stop with the animu because it wasn't the right way, and tried to change over and over again. for what? no-thing.
i suppose that's why i drew too much fanart, it was the excuse of drawing happyshit (even if miku was deleted and len was dead 8D), because that's the way I draw, and when I drew nada stuff that way I thought "fuck no, stop that, you have to change", but seriously, do I?
this, now, is what happens when you realize that life keeps going and you can't give up just because there's no one who tells you to stop the shit. you have to stop the shit, seriously. learn to stop the shit.
i couldn't draw a face without looking at references of real faces, what the hell. i stopped posting the big stuff, i just posted the doodles or the fanarts, the quick stuff. wut, that's not what I do. I'm not that insecure, plz.
so now, that I stopped the shit, I'll keep doing what I want, and not to make others happy. I'll keep making myself happy.
fuck year.
you know? after a lot of people telling you that if you do what you want instead of studying a usual career, well, you will be starving for the rest of your life, i thought, for some reason, a stupid reason, that the cliche anti-artistic quote was right.
three years ago i started painting realism, basically to give gifts to people I care, like my mom, my dad, my brothers, etc, and I'm good painting realism (in my opinion, not in a selfish-arrogant mode), and one day (this year) I painted Hugh Laurie, it took like three hours, not too much, and I did it just for fun, because I like House MD and stuff, and well, for the first time, I saw my dad being proud of me. I felt bad.
my mom was always proud of me, of what I do, she even tells to their clients that I'm an artist even if I don't like that word. She always supported me, yeah, in everything even if i'm a jerk or sometimes i don't care about the shit of anyone, she always punched me in the face and told me to STFU and try to be a human being, but not my dad, oh no.
so when i saw his "i'm so fucking proud" face i didn't know if I had to felt good, or felt like crap because he was proud of something that is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, for living, for being happy and emofag stuff.
i tried to change my style (what the fuck is a style?), but everytime i drew something, or tried to drew something, i couldn't, i just couldn't. everything was awful.
what the fuck, it was like going back in time and draw crappier and crappier, and i'm not talking about something that happened long time ago, i'm talking of something that happened till a week ago, for more than five months.
the frustration of drawing nothing but just the shit i was trying, the realismanimuwhareveritwas with extremely realistic colouring and extremely realistic proportions and batshit, because i wanted to change to make my dad feel proud, shit, it was killing me.
i was killing my own characters, i was killing the manga i'm working on, the work of years of trying to get my own shit even if animu is overrated, and for what? just to make someone who can't see talent just because it is not what he consider talent, happy? and what about me?
(seriously, i made gaspar look like an oldfag, what the hell)
"i'm hiding everything from everyone. do not look at my shit. " that's what i was doing.
even when sometimes i had my free-speech moments and I just drew what was in my head, still, there was a ghost telling me to stop with the animu because it wasn't the right way, and tried to change over and over again. for what? no-thing.
i suppose that's why i drew too much fanart, it was the excuse of drawing happyshit (even if miku was deleted and len was dead 8D), because that's the way I draw, and when I drew nada stuff that way I thought "fuck no, stop that, you have to change", but seriously, do I?
this, now, is what happens when you realize that life keeps going and you can't give up just because there's no one who tells you to stop the shit. you have to stop the shit, seriously. learn to stop the shit.
i couldn't draw a face without looking at references of real faces, what the hell. i stopped posting the big stuff, i just posted the doodles or the fanarts, the quick stuff. wut, that's not what I do. I'm not that insecure, plz.
so now, that I stopped the shit, I'll keep doing what I want, and not to make others happy. I'll keep making myself happy.
fuck year.