got a pocket full of memories. some are good..some are sad.
i havent written about this, simply because i didnt want to get upset. and im tired of all this crap..
i talked to someone today i shouldnt have and i know better. but i did none the less and im also listening to a cd that i shouldnt as well..but oh well.
it's making me feel emotional. weird to put into words.
when i was pregnant with alexis, my best friend valicity was very against me keeping her. she wanted to adopt the baby once it was born and i said no. she came down (she lived at the time 9 hrs away in northern idaho) the weekend before alexis was born and after alexis was born, the last time i spoke to her was when lex was two weeks old.
after that my calls went unanswered. i finally just gave up and said "screw it".
through total chance, i was looking up something else and i came across the fact that valicitys husband was now teaching here in boise. i emailed him and then i called and left messages.
i got an email the next day from valicity saying yes, she stopped talking to me because i kept alexis. i had my mom and the friends both valicity and i have had for 18 yrs (who she stopped talking to years ago) and everyone said that she thinks way too highly of herself and that she's pissed i didnt give her what she wanted.
it's pissed me off and hurt me. this isnt someone i've known for just a year or two. it's someone i have known since the 5th grade. and she had no faith in me what so ever at all to be a good mom. how the hell ...she was more of a sister to me than my own sister. which really isnt saying much if you know judy..but still. she was one of only two people (and the first) that i told when my dad killed himself.
the night i got her email, i stayed up most of the night crying. the next day i was still so hurt. and then i said, screw it. i made the right choice and i did it, because ITS MY LIFE. i know what i am capable of and what i can handle and im a damn good mom.
does that make it any easier? no. i want to point out the shit she's done in her life and remind her that i didnt agree with her, but i stuck by her side. it's not my life and i cant tell someone what to do. that's not me though...
i talked to someone today i shouldnt have and i know better. but i did none the less and im also listening to a cd that i shouldnt as well..but oh well.
it's making me feel emotional. weird to put into words.
when i was pregnant with alexis, my best friend valicity was very against me keeping her. she wanted to adopt the baby once it was born and i said no. she came down (she lived at the time 9 hrs away in northern idaho) the weekend before alexis was born and after alexis was born, the last time i spoke to her was when lex was two weeks old.
after that my calls went unanswered. i finally just gave up and said "screw it".
through total chance, i was looking up something else and i came across the fact that valicitys husband was now teaching here in boise. i emailed him and then i called and left messages.
i got an email the next day from valicity saying yes, she stopped talking to me because i kept alexis. i had my mom and the friends both valicity and i have had for 18 yrs (who she stopped talking to years ago) and everyone said that she thinks way too highly of herself and that she's pissed i didnt give her what she wanted.
it's pissed me off and hurt me. this isnt someone i've known for just a year or two. it's someone i have known since the 5th grade. and she had no faith in me what so ever at all to be a good mom. how the hell ...she was more of a sister to me than my own sister. which really isnt saying much if you know judy..but still. she was one of only two people (and the first) that i told when my dad killed himself.
the night i got her email, i stayed up most of the night crying. the next day i was still so hurt. and then i said, screw it. i made the right choice and i did it, because ITS MY LIFE. i know what i am capable of and what i can handle and im a damn good mom.
does that make it any easier? no. i want to point out the shit she's done in her life and remind her that i didnt agree with her, but i stuck by her side. it's not my life and i cant tell someone what to do. that's not me though...