Know thyself
Lately I've been looking into the possibility that I may be the engine of my own destruction.
Maybe I'm the only thing standing in the way of my own success, my happiness. Maybe I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. It's an unnerving and hopeless thought, so I'm trying not to focus on it.
At a certain point, one has to stop blaming outside factors and other people for his own mistakes, you know? I haven't always owned up to mine, but I do know that I've made some - many over the years. But I have to believe I'm doing my best.
There is so much I am struggling to express (and you have no idea how painful that is for me to admit, man of words I am.)
But yes. Amidst a lifetime of failure, for fuck's sake, I manage to pick myself up, wipe the blood from my chin and say, "What have we learned here?" Is it that much easier for everyone else? How much do I suck?
Now then. I have long since learned I can be perfectly happy on my own, make no mistake. I'm not some "woe is me" teenager, not in years. A girl I know (the only one I have ever forged a real friendship from POF) asked me why I was even on that site. She said I was a smart, funny guy, all that wonderful stuff that all the other losers she meets aren't. Her pointing that out just mystifies me more. I always just assumed I was too fucked up to warrant any attention. And that hurt, but the idea I'm not hurts more.
I'm fixated on relationships right now, because I guess school isn't holding my focus and I'm feeling creatively dry. All around me I see them, on the brink of collapse, or in full fresh bloom.
I guess I'm just saying... it should be easier than this. And for a lot of people, it clearly is. But I keep going, because, for crying out loud, this is no cause for despair. This is just life. Every day is a new chance, and it's all I can do to keep on rockin'
-Scott
Maybe I'm the only thing standing in the way of my own success, my happiness. Maybe I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. It's an unnerving and hopeless thought, so I'm trying not to focus on it.
At a certain point, one has to stop blaming outside factors and other people for his own mistakes, you know? I haven't always owned up to mine, but I do know that I've made some - many over the years. But I have to believe I'm doing my best.
There is so much I am struggling to express (and you have no idea how painful that is for me to admit, man of words I am.)
But yes. Amidst a lifetime of failure, for fuck's sake, I manage to pick myself up, wipe the blood from my chin and say, "What have we learned here?" Is it that much easier for everyone else? How much do I suck?
Now then. I have long since learned I can be perfectly happy on my own, make no mistake. I'm not some "woe is me" teenager, not in years. A girl I know (the only one I have ever forged a real friendship from POF) asked me why I was even on that site. She said I was a smart, funny guy, all that wonderful stuff that all the other losers she meets aren't. Her pointing that out just mystifies me more. I always just assumed I was too fucked up to warrant any attention. And that hurt, but the idea I'm not hurts more.
I'm fixated on relationships right now, because I guess school isn't holding my focus and I'm feeling creatively dry. All around me I see them, on the brink of collapse, or in full fresh bloom.
I guess I'm just saying... it should be easier than this. And for a lot of people, it clearly is. But I keep going, because, for crying out loud, this is no cause for despair. This is just life. Every day is a new chance, and it's all I can do to keep on rockin'
-Scott