Groundhog's Day
I feel like I'm in a constant state of repeating days over and over again. After Friday My stomach has just felt meh. I'm frustrated with facebook and people screaming gun control, I'm frustrated with news sites talking incessantly about it (I had to scroll through 3 pages of Yahoo news articles ot get to something other than Friday's news), I'm frustrated with people screaming mental health issues, I'm frustrated with my Conservative friends, and I'm frustrated with myself.
Since Friday my gut told me maybe I shouldn't have a kid if this is the world they enter into. I don't know how I'd ever survive something like that. EVER. It tore me to my core and I'm not even a parent yet... I don't even have a kid in my life really... I'm not an aunt and none of my friends actually have kids yet. So in reality it should have struck me as a tragedy and move on.. but I find myself wanting to hug EVERY kid I pass now. In the mall, at the car shop, walking down the street as I drive by... EVERYONE one. I cried Friday and for once it had nothing to do with Va. Tech.
I got really frustrated with a Friend who was making comments about how everyone gets fake sympathetic during tragedies and there are tragedies everyday... kids die everyday (cancer, malnutrition, bad guys, etc...) and they just can't stop their lives and cry everytime something happens so they don't do it when ANYTHING happens. I found this so disrespectful and irritating. I wanted to SCREAM at them.. needless to say i want to defriend them too. When the World Trade Centers fell I'll admit I felt NOTHING. I couldn't understand what everyone was so concerned about (I was also in 9th grade). I didn't know anyone directly affected and I really didn't care. It didn't mean I ran around town telling everyone how stupid they are or how much I didn't care. I respected the severity of the situation and I waited for things to die down. When Katrina happened I knew no one affected and felt almost nothing as well. Granted I felt bad and understood the severity once agian. In college everyone was going around collecting money... I donated... I gave blood... but I didn't stop my entire life because something happened outside of realm of caring. I didn't go around saying this though because I RESPECTED others opinions.
When Va. Tech happened it personally affected me. I was sad and depressed. I didn't give blood, I didn't give money, I didn't go around wearing Va Tech Colors or Ribbons (i did weeks later and years to come but not immediately). I also didn't go around and expect EVERYONE to remember it or mourn. I went to class depressed. I didn't expect everyone to stop and ask me what was wrong. (or in one case have a random college person say I was a horrible person for not wearing maroon and Gold on the remembrance day after I was at the church all night... and then saying how disrespectful I was towards the whole situation).... I don't expect people to care when horrible things happen to me that doesn't affect them. I expect them to respect me though. I expect them to respect the situation at hand. This so called friend basically said Oh So sorry you think this is a tragedy but don't you remember the Holocaust.
AUGh i was sooo mad. I could rant forever... but I won't... not right now.
Instead my brain will go to the Next Groundhog's day. the one called Christmas. Like last year my brain is forcing me to see every situation as a proposal opportunity. I'm kind of sooo frustrated with Ryan at this point I don't even know if I want to marry him anymore. At this point who knows... I want something magical... and my current possible proposal idea (this Friday at a concert) sounds pretty lame in my book... much like every other thing I've thought of. Valentines day is my limit at this point before I just give up and kick him out I guess... It sounds horrible... but I'm tired of waiting and I've tried numerous times to explain such to him.... I thought he understood... but I've waited forever now and I've reached my limit of caring. I'm sooo depressed. I sound like one of those girls.. but it's not that.. It's just.. I want to enjoy my life.. get married, have kids, grow up, etc.... I can't wait around forever to be proposed to.... In Ryan can't understand that.. then obviously he isn't the right person for me. That hurts the most.
Maybe he doesn't know me at all. At this point though.. I'm giving up.
Since Friday my gut told me maybe I shouldn't have a kid if this is the world they enter into. I don't know how I'd ever survive something like that. EVER. It tore me to my core and I'm not even a parent yet... I don't even have a kid in my life really... I'm not an aunt and none of my friends actually have kids yet. So in reality it should have struck me as a tragedy and move on.. but I find myself wanting to hug EVERY kid I pass now. In the mall, at the car shop, walking down the street as I drive by... EVERYONE one. I cried Friday and for once it had nothing to do with Va. Tech.
I got really frustrated with a Friend who was making comments about how everyone gets fake sympathetic during tragedies and there are tragedies everyday... kids die everyday (cancer, malnutrition, bad guys, etc...) and they just can't stop their lives and cry everytime something happens so they don't do it when ANYTHING happens. I found this so disrespectful and irritating. I wanted to SCREAM at them.. needless to say i want to defriend them too. When the World Trade Centers fell I'll admit I felt NOTHING. I couldn't understand what everyone was so concerned about (I was also in 9th grade). I didn't know anyone directly affected and I really didn't care. It didn't mean I ran around town telling everyone how stupid they are or how much I didn't care. I respected the severity of the situation and I waited for things to die down. When Katrina happened I knew no one affected and felt almost nothing as well. Granted I felt bad and understood the severity once agian. In college everyone was going around collecting money... I donated... I gave blood... but I didn't stop my entire life because something happened outside of realm of caring. I didn't go around saying this though because I RESPECTED others opinions.
When Va. Tech happened it personally affected me. I was sad and depressed. I didn't give blood, I didn't give money, I didn't go around wearing Va Tech Colors or Ribbons (i did weeks later and years to come but not immediately). I also didn't go around and expect EVERYONE to remember it or mourn. I went to class depressed. I didn't expect everyone to stop and ask me what was wrong. (or in one case have a random college person say I was a horrible person for not wearing maroon and Gold on the remembrance day after I was at the church all night... and then saying how disrespectful I was towards the whole situation).... I don't expect people to care when horrible things happen to me that doesn't affect them. I expect them to respect me though. I expect them to respect the situation at hand. This so called friend basically said Oh So sorry you think this is a tragedy but don't you remember the Holocaust.
AUGh i was sooo mad. I could rant forever... but I won't... not right now.
Instead my brain will go to the Next Groundhog's day. the one called Christmas. Like last year my brain is forcing me to see every situation as a proposal opportunity. I'm kind of sooo frustrated with Ryan at this point I don't even know if I want to marry him anymore. At this point who knows... I want something magical... and my current possible proposal idea (this Friday at a concert) sounds pretty lame in my book... much like every other thing I've thought of. Valentines day is my limit at this point before I just give up and kick him out I guess... It sounds horrible... but I'm tired of waiting and I've tried numerous times to explain such to him.... I thought he understood... but I've waited forever now and I've reached my limit of caring. I'm sooo depressed. I sound like one of those girls.. but it's not that.. It's just.. I want to enjoy my life.. get married, have kids, grow up, etc.... I can't wait around forever to be proposed to.... In Ryan can't understand that.. then obviously he isn't the right person for me. That hurts the most.
Maybe he doesn't know me at all. At this point though.. I'm giving up.