Taser. Be Warned.... Very Funny
WARNING:
Before you keep reading, get up, go use the restroom, have a box of kleenex by your side and make sure you can make as much noise as possible.
This was sent to me and I have to share it with all of the women out there who know men who would do this.
Please do not sue me if you have laughed yourself to death, I am poor and have to get my kicks somehow.
Subject: Fw: funniest true story ever
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol& Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4
inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really,
and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution:
there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down
and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly
threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Now I will say my inner HP fantic came out and a nasty little plot bunny hit me.
I have a very strange sense of humor and I am totally a whale not a mermaid(if you want to know, leave me a comment and I will tell you).
TTFN