(no subject)
So..I'm a bit miffed. More than "a bit" to be honest.
Fall break is coming up and I had three things on my plate:
1) Dad's birthday and his flying into town
2) A day trip to Atlanta with the Internationals for my job
and barring those two
3) Flying to Dallas to partake of a kick ass amtgard event called Banner Wars.
Well, I called dad on Tuesday and talked to him. He seemed SO SURE that he was coming during Fall Break. Tonight I got an email from him and he's not coming. They're willing to spend 84 dollars for a week to stay in Palm Springs, but they're not willing to fly for free to come see me. They had to take the house off the market because it wasn't selling. They're having to live on a "tight" budget. THis prolly means that Buddy doesn't get a toy every time he goes to the store. just every OTHER time.
I find it very hard to adjust to dad being in financial straights. But then, I also find it hard to suddenly not being the youngest child anymore. For those that don't know, Lori and Buddy have moved in with Dad and Sandy. Essentially, what this means is...Buddy is now Dad's son. I have been replaced as being the youngest child and the child is highest regard with my father. I feel displaced and very hurt, to be honest. Whenever I go see dad, it's all about Buddy because Buddy is always there. When I do get to see him alone, he's tired and we're so different that it's hard to find things to talk about.
He used to at least appreciate the amtgard stuff. Now he doesn't even try. He just doesn't "get it". I don't understand. This used to be the man who would watch Dark Crystal, Labryth, Star Trek, Star Wars, and all that other mess with me and LOVE it...now, I hardly know him. I feel I am fighting a losing battle to stay in my father's life.
I know, this may seem like a bit of an overreaction given that this is being brought on by the fact that he's no longer coming down. It' sbeen there for awhile. Sandy made a point to mention every chance she got how different dad and I were. It was like her saying, "Ok, give up on your dad. You've lost him. He's mine and Buddy's now". And, I guess I"m finding it hard to accept that perhaps she's right. Perhaps I have lost him.
For those of you that know me well, you know that my dad means the world to me. I look up to him, even though we don't agree on most politcal/social issues. He has been my 'favorite' parent for years. I've loved him in spite of his flaws, which I can't seem to do with my mother. I've always felt that there was a cool special bond between us. Apparently that's no longer there and I"m just another child who has now been replaced by a needly little bastard of a grandson (it sounds harsh but if you knew buddy, you'd understand why I say that). I now know why Shannon feels the way she does towards me and why she does harbor some resentment towards me.
Now it seems like nothing I do even catches my father's attention anymore. Every time I see him he's less and less there. He seems, from my perspective, to be falling into a depression. But, because he doesn't believe in such things or that he could be prone to it, he doesn't realize it. He is become less and less like the father that was always there for me as a kid and more like a zombie. Someone I don' tknow. Perhaps even someone I don't want to know.
He was SOOO excited about coming here. I'm wondering if perhaps my mentioning Banner Wars made him reconsider and not want to come. I wonder if he took it as me not wanting him here. I want him to come here and visit me more than I can possibly say. On who,e it's just inconvenient timeing....but I still wanted him here. It would been the first time I've gotten to see him without Buddy since Buddy's been born pretty much (ie: 5 years). While Sandy would still be there, that's fine. I wouldn't have to contend with Buddy for attention. Dad also wouldn't be stressed out the entire time because of Buddy. Perhaps he would even be the Dad that I miss so badly.
::sighs:: I don't know what to do. I don't know if there is ANYTHING I can do.
Fall break is coming up and I had three things on my plate:
1) Dad's birthday and his flying into town
2) A day trip to Atlanta with the Internationals for my job
and barring those two
3) Flying to Dallas to partake of a kick ass amtgard event called Banner Wars.
Well, I called dad on Tuesday and talked to him. He seemed SO SURE that he was coming during Fall Break. Tonight I got an email from him and he's not coming. They're willing to spend 84 dollars for a week to stay in Palm Springs, but they're not willing to fly for free to come see me. They had to take the house off the market because it wasn't selling. They're having to live on a "tight" budget. THis prolly means that Buddy doesn't get a toy every time he goes to the store. just every OTHER time.
I find it very hard to adjust to dad being in financial straights. But then, I also find it hard to suddenly not being the youngest child anymore. For those that don't know, Lori and Buddy have moved in with Dad and Sandy. Essentially, what this means is...Buddy is now Dad's son. I have been replaced as being the youngest child and the child is highest regard with my father. I feel displaced and very hurt, to be honest. Whenever I go see dad, it's all about Buddy because Buddy is always there. When I do get to see him alone, he's tired and we're so different that it's hard to find things to talk about.
He used to at least appreciate the amtgard stuff. Now he doesn't even try. He just doesn't "get it". I don't understand. This used to be the man who would watch Dark Crystal, Labryth, Star Trek, Star Wars, and all that other mess with me and LOVE it...now, I hardly know him. I feel I am fighting a losing battle to stay in my father's life.
I know, this may seem like a bit of an overreaction given that this is being brought on by the fact that he's no longer coming down. It' sbeen there for awhile. Sandy made a point to mention every chance she got how different dad and I were. It was like her saying, "Ok, give up on your dad. You've lost him. He's mine and Buddy's now". And, I guess I"m finding it hard to accept that perhaps she's right. Perhaps I have lost him.
For those of you that know me well, you know that my dad means the world to me. I look up to him, even though we don't agree on most politcal/social issues. He has been my 'favorite' parent for years. I've loved him in spite of his flaws, which I can't seem to do with my mother. I've always felt that there was a cool special bond between us. Apparently that's no longer there and I"m just another child who has now been replaced by a needly little bastard of a grandson (it sounds harsh but if you knew buddy, you'd understand why I say that). I now know why Shannon feels the way she does towards me and why she does harbor some resentment towards me.
Now it seems like nothing I do even catches my father's attention anymore. Every time I see him he's less and less there. He seems, from my perspective, to be falling into a depression. But, because he doesn't believe in such things or that he could be prone to it, he doesn't realize it. He is become less and less like the father that was always there for me as a kid and more like a zombie. Someone I don' tknow. Perhaps even someone I don't want to know.
He was SOOO excited about coming here. I'm wondering if perhaps my mentioning Banner Wars made him reconsider and not want to come. I wonder if he took it as me not wanting him here. I want him to come here and visit me more than I can possibly say. On who,e it's just inconvenient timeing....but I still wanted him here. It would been the first time I've gotten to see him without Buddy since Buddy's been born pretty much (ie: 5 years). While Sandy would still be there, that's fine. I wouldn't have to contend with Buddy for attention. Dad also wouldn't be stressed out the entire time because of Buddy. Perhaps he would even be the Dad that I miss so badly.
::sighs:: I don't know what to do. I don't know if there is ANYTHING I can do.