and that makes me a sad panda.

[severin]

Okay.  So I had this huge cathartic breakdown in the middle of last night.  In which I realized that I didn't like where my life was going, and that I didn't want to take the path of least resistance.  This was actually several realizations...

•  

• I knew that I didn't want to be a professor, so I have no idea why I am in grad school
• Going to grad school without a goal would rack up pointless debt
• I am completely and totally burnt out of school
• I have no idea what I want to do with my life
• I have terrible luck with men (apparently I don't come off as caring about sex, which might be because i don't care about sex with approximately 98.8% of men, it's just the other .2% that it's a problem with.)
  
• I like myself and like who I am, which is frustrating when other people don't and I don't know what the problem is
• I'm just generally pretty sick of having to be me right now

So then I had to think about what my goals in life are.  And I started thinking about what I liked in my life and didn't want to change, or wanted to change as little as possible:

• I like, as I have said, my job.  For the most part.
• I really like being a part of the kink community, and
• I love the security of being owned.
  
• My friends are great.
• I'm close with my family, and while they drive me batty sometimes, they're really important to me.
• And I always know that, no matter what happens, I have my writing.

So what I'm going to do is finish up this year of school (to make sure that I'm making the right decision and to keep insurance), work full time at my job over the summer (technically I'll still be a student) while looking for a "day job" for the fall-- probably something else with computers.  Once I have this day job, I will officially be able to say "fuck it all"-- fuck all this shit that I thought I wanted that I wasn't doing for myself, I was doing it to prove something to someone-- and pursue writing seriously.  This way I'll be able to keep everything that's important to me on that list (a slight change in jobs, but whatever).  And my dad said he supports my decision, and suggested that I take a creative writing course this spring, because it's been awhile.  And my parents have said that they will pay for therapist bills if I'm ever in a position where the insurance I have doesn't cover it and I can't pay for it.

And also I'm going to read The Satanic Witch.  And then I'll probably have to go to church to balance things out because part of me is still OCD about religion.  (That brings us to 3 times that I'm going to have to go.  Hopefully I won't burst into flames when I set foot into Grace Episcopal.)