And take your foot off of the brake... for Christ's sake
I fucking love the Mountain Goats so much it hurts my heart to listen to them sometimes. I want to have John Darnielle's hyper-literate lyricist babies.
I also love long hot baths, my fuzzy robe, and Ginger Peach tea. These things all combine to make my stubborn cold much more bearable.
I've been thinking a lot recently-- possibly too much. I have been holding it together pretty well, all things considered, which I suppose means I do not need the Lexapro I was taking. However, there are two problems I have had return since I went off of it: food still does not taste very good (I mean, I will eat, but generally it will only be a bare minimum unless it is one of my absolute favorite foods), and I am nervous/afraid much more. I have always been a nervous person, but I think that in my adult life I was not this afraid all the time. It's kind of a hard thing to tell.
Granted, I am not as afraid as I was as a kid, when I couldn't sleep because I was so terrified. And although, in the grand scheme of things, I know that me not being able to find a job is a lot more likely than, say, Nazis putting Zyklon B in my shower head or one of my other childhood fears, but at least I have some control over [most of] the things I am fearing now. (I mean, if those Nazis want to poison you, there is no stopping the bastards.) And realizing this will hopefully be the first step to actually working on the problems instead of just worrying about them all the time.
A few years ago, I told myself that if I was ever on the fence about something, I would go for it, because I would much rather do something that turns out to be a stupid idea rather than regret not doing it. And I think I lost sight of that, somewhere. So I am already half-formulating resolutions for the new year, a couple months early. I want to really work on not being afraid. Or at least, not letting that fear stop me from doing anything. I once heard that bravery is not the lack of fear, it's being afraid and doing something anyway. If that is really true, then I am the fucking bravest person ever, because I am afraid all the fucking time. Sometimes I am terrified just to turn out the lights at night, but I do it anyway. (Mostly because my miserly roommate will bitch at me otherwise.)
Anyway, this all has a point somewhere. My point is that although I feel like I am at a pretty healthy point finally, there is always room for more self-improvement. I don't want to be afraid all the time anymore, and I don't think I have to. I'm not quite sure how I can go about facing some of my fears, but I know what I can do to face my largest one: heights. It hasn't often interfered in my life, but there are some things that I'd like to do that I automatically discount, thinking "I can't do that; I'm afraid of heights." Like rock climbing. Yes, I, Erica, the girl who cannot even stand up straight when she is ten feet off the ground, the girl who could not go on teeter-totters as a child because they were too high, is going to fucking go rock climbing next summer. I just have to get in shape enough and acclimated to being off the ground by then.
... now let's just hope that my crippling fear of heights is not because of some inner-ear problem.
I also love long hot baths, my fuzzy robe, and Ginger Peach tea. These things all combine to make my stubborn cold much more bearable.
I've been thinking a lot recently-- possibly too much. I have been holding it together pretty well, all things considered, which I suppose means I do not need the Lexapro I was taking. However, there are two problems I have had return since I went off of it: food still does not taste very good (I mean, I will eat, but generally it will only be a bare minimum unless it is one of my absolute favorite foods), and I am nervous/afraid much more. I have always been a nervous person, but I think that in my adult life I was not this afraid all the time. It's kind of a hard thing to tell.
Granted, I am not as afraid as I was as a kid, when I couldn't sleep because I was so terrified. And although, in the grand scheme of things, I know that me not being able to find a job is a lot more likely than, say, Nazis putting Zyklon B in my shower head or one of my other childhood fears, but at least I have some control over [most of] the things I am fearing now. (I mean, if those Nazis want to poison you, there is no stopping the bastards.) And realizing this will hopefully be the first step to actually working on the problems instead of just worrying about them all the time.
A few years ago, I told myself that if I was ever on the fence about something, I would go for it, because I would much rather do something that turns out to be a stupid idea rather than regret not doing it. And I think I lost sight of that, somewhere. So I am already half-formulating resolutions for the new year, a couple months early. I want to really work on not being afraid. Or at least, not letting that fear stop me from doing anything. I once heard that bravery is not the lack of fear, it's being afraid and doing something anyway. If that is really true, then I am the fucking bravest person ever, because I am afraid all the fucking time. Sometimes I am terrified just to turn out the lights at night, but I do it anyway. (Mostly because my miserly roommate will bitch at me otherwise.)
Anyway, this all has a point somewhere. My point is that although I feel like I am at a pretty healthy point finally, there is always room for more self-improvement. I don't want to be afraid all the time anymore, and I don't think I have to. I'm not quite sure how I can go about facing some of my fears, but I know what I can do to face my largest one: heights. It hasn't often interfered in my life, but there are some things that I'd like to do that I automatically discount, thinking "I can't do that; I'm afraid of heights." Like rock climbing. Yes, I, Erica, the girl who cannot even stand up straight when she is ten feet off the ground, the girl who could not go on teeter-totters as a child because they were too high, is going to fucking go rock climbing next summer. I just have to get in shape enough and acclimated to being off the ground by then.
... now let's just hope that my crippling fear of heights is not because of some inner-ear problem.