we've never really met

[severeallergy]

it's been awhile since i've written to you, my old friends. i'm sorry it's been so long since i've talked to you directly. i guess i've been a little shy about it. the hurt just stays too fresh to be able to sort through it. i know you're up there loving everyone the best you can. i know you're doing everything you can do. i am too. i know you don't judge me, and even though i've said to the contrary, my heart has never judged you. even when it feels ripped in two. i can't speak your names, for fear of the act being an incantation to revive parts of you that are best left sedated. i summon just the fringes of memory and it's enough to feel closer to the grave, to heaven. though you are all in a divine place, here back at home we miss you. we love you. and personally, i'll never forget.

why so much death has punctuated my life i can never explain; but for all of it i've come to live in ways some have not, and in such a way i'd love to liken to a comet, part of my tail has trailed to attract to others who've ventured to places i've yet to be. some day, i will meet with those people, and those pieces of me, again; but not today.

i look forward to returning these pieces of you that i've been holding close.