this isn't exactly what i wanted to say, but it'll have to do...
to you:
i'm sorry if you think that i'm an asshole or whatever, but you just can't expect me to think in the frame of mind you would like. the fact is, what you see as important, just isn't to me. hell what's important to most people, never crosses me as an issue. that's fine if you wanna call me emotionally abnormal, but you know what? i'm happy the way i am, and that's never gonna change. i don't want to change.
if you wanna know the truth, i thought about you when i first heard what happened. believe it or not, i was even gonna call, but it wouldn't have been to say "hey, how are you? are you okay?" the thoughts in my head were more along the lines of "hey, i'm sorry you wanna move because this kinda shit doesn't happen out in the country." i didn't see it as a problem, but rather just another example of how stupid this country is, that i wanted to poke fun at. i honestly think you would have been more pissed had i called and said what i wanted to say, than you are because i didn't call.
i'll give you that i probably "should have" called to see if you were okay, but honestly, i don't think i would have called anyone in that situation, be it you, farrah, or anyone else i care about or love. because like i said, it just wasn't that serious to me, and it still isn't. make of it what you will. if that means to you that i don't care as much as your "nine" other friends, that's fine.
it isn't because nothing is important to me (that sounds like really horrible grammar, but i don't know how to fix it) because that's just not true, despite whatever misconceptions you may have on this subject. there are lots of things i care about, and that includes you, but simply because i don't live up to your standards of care, doesn't mean i don't. and i don't feel the need to have to explain myself, but i doubt you'll accept my saying that for what it is.
moving on, i'm hurt that you had the nerve to think i would cheat on you. i tried my best to spend my every waking moment with you because i loved you. in fact, i do still love you, but more than anything i wish i could have my friend back, but i don't think that will happen. you still expect things of me that i should no longer be. you also said that you were hurt because i didn't live by your values anymore, and as i've said before, they were "your values." while we were dating, i did my best to respect them, and now it's not a matter of me trying to defy you or whatever you want to call it, it's simply me establishing my own values, be they right or wrong, they're still mine, and you should respect that, no matter what you think about them. i would and have still respected your values during the times i've been around you (all two of them), however, what i do when i'm not around you, shouldn't concern you.
in addition, you have no right to get pissed at me for finding out shit that wasn't intended for you. if you feel the need to go out of your way to find out what i'm doing or saying, that's your own deal. i haven't asked you or anyone you know what you've been doing because i feel it's better if i don't know. and the thing about me talking to our "mutual friends," that's just not so because with the exception of two people, they're not our mutual friends, they're my friends. yeah you know them, and yeah you've hung out with some of them, but when it comes down to it, my friendship with them is much stronger than yours. and even those two, i've known them much longer and have spent time with them much more than you have. hell, i can think of a few people that you've probably talked to that you would probably consider our mutual friends, but i honestly don't give a good fuck about any of them. they're all just people i know, nothing more. soulless bastard that i am. besides that, anything either of us says isn't superspy top secret info. if i want to consult and share that info with other people, that's my choice.
i know this is just your whole thing with not wanting to feel stupid. and no one's saying that you should/are because we all know you're not. i've tried telling you this before, but none of the people i talk to give a good goddamn. hell, it's not like any of us have had a serious conversation about any of it, it'll just find its way into our normal, everyday conversation and that's the end of it. no one's sitting there going, "wow, what a crackhead" or whatever you think is happening. and don't give me that whole line about if you feel like they think you're stupid/crazy, then that's all that matters because that's not true. just cuz you feel it, doesn't make it so.
i think the problem lies with the fact that you see that i'm not the same person anymore, and for some reason that upsets you. i'll give you that i'm not the same because that's true. and despite what you think, i do believe that was part of the motivation for change. i lived by your values and standards for two years, and while that didn't bother me during that time, right now, i want to live by my own rules, and i want to be around people that will respect that, whether they agree with those rules or not.
furthermore, i told you that i have no interest in getting into another relationship for the rest of the time i'm in georgia, but already you think i'm seeing people. just to clear things up, i'm not seeing anyone. i haven't been seeing anyone, and right now, i'm not interested in seeing anyone. yeah, i went out and cooked dinner once, but it was the most anticlimatic date you could possibly envision. if you can even call it a date. for godssakes, we sat and watched tv and talked about bullshit. but you know what? even if i was to start dating someone, that shouldn't fucking matter because you know damn well, the second i get ready to move, that'll be the end of that shit because you know i don't believe in the long distance thing.
one last thing, i don't need you to tell me what i should have done/should be doing/should do, in regard to the conference or anything else. your opinion is always welcome, but i'd appreciate it if you framed it as such, rather than giving it to me like a government mandate.
anyway, this is already too long, and i haven't really said all i wanted to, but it'll have to do. i don't know what you'll make of this, it'll probably just fuel your anger. but this is the last you'll hear from me on the subject. when you feel like you can talk to me sans anger, you know how to find me.
steven