"cus time has made promises"
i'm kinda ..sick of everything. i hate to think about my life. or, lack thereof. it just makes me depressed.
i never do anything...i'm home all the time.
and i'm so alone. i have my parents here at home with me but... i need friends.
i have Susanna, who i've known since first grade. i see her every now and then. but our only common interest now is Jackson 5. and i think we're only still friends cus we've known eachother for so long. so actually, i dont really "have" her. we do something for a day and then i dont hear from her for months.
i have Mette. but she lives in denmark so i cant see her.
but she's my best friend, even if i only talk to her through internet. that doesnt really matter.
shes always there, always "listening" to me when i have some stupid problem. we talk on msn almost every day.
she's not like other people, not so outgoing and ..like that. she's a little like me, but ALOT better. more caring and sweet.
i have Malene. also from denmark. i've known her since...september last year i think. a very sweet and kind girl. we had a fight and i wasnt sure if she saw me for..me. but now we're friends talking(also on msn) like normal again. shes a very positive and happy girl. even tho she hasnt had the best life she can still think positive about life. and i admire her for that. i was a mess before and i havent gone through half of what she has. but i also feel sorry for her for her moron of a father. i dont understand how she puts up with his...asshole-ness. he's just evil. but luckily her 18th b-day is coming up soon so then she'll move out. and i'm really happy for her about that.
from 1st to 6th grade i was in one school, then 7th to 9th in another school and then 10th to 12th in a third school.
first school, people weren't always that nice to me. they thought i was so shy and weird. but, it was because i was shy that i "got" weird. they thought i was weird cus i didnt want to talk in front of the class, or sing or do stuff that made other people look at me. if those assholes could've used their brains they would know that it's not WEIRD to be shy. i mean, i turn 20 in october, so that was years ago. i was like ...10 to 12(it was in those years they got really mean) so i should be over it. one might think.
but i'm not. it almost makes me cry when i think about it. nobody hit me or anything like that. they would just...say things.
like one thing i will NEVER forget. i liked Tupac(the rapper) back then and when he died, one of those bitches wrote on my desk "haha, 2pac is dead!" like it was a joke.
i remember when her precious boyband Take That split up(or maybe it was when that guy ...Robbie Williams left..it was one of those two) she was so upset about it but i didnt say a thing. i could've made fun of her and her shitty boyband but i didn't. and still, they were all alive.
yes sure we were just kids. but that is just evil.
if i would ever see her again and she would talk to me, i would spit in her ugly fucking face.
moving on... the second school. this was when you hit puberty and just got a tad more sensitive than usual.
and this was also when i started dressing more like i wanted. i mean, i had done that before too but then i didnt really care what i looked like. i just kinda dressed like everybody else. everyone did.
but now i was sick of that.
first i was a ..skater. even tho i never skated. :D
and i mean with a skateboard not ...on ice.
i had a skateboard but it didnt have any wheels, and when i got the money to buy them i had lost interest in it so..moo.
then i just had this...trashy skate-punk look. i really sucked at dressing myself. jeans that were torn and i had drawn on them and.. shirts and... i just looked trashy.
bought boots that were red and with some white and spiderweb lol i thought they were cool.
dyed my hair purple. this was in 8th grade. i also started wearing more black that year. and dyed my hair black too.
also started shaving undercut. and it seems like i took more and more everytime. :D
summer to 9th i had shaved my hair into a mohawk. the lenght was below my shoulders and i got my sister to braid in yarn. it looked cool. and i have no pic of it so that sucks.
this was also the time i started wanting a piercing.
and i pierced myself too. in the lip and my ears and my eyebrow i think. but none of them lasted very long. cus i did it with a safetypin(BAD idea).
or wait, i'm lying! i wanted a piercing when i was 13... uh, i have such a terrible memory. well it was around that time.
so anyway..
then on november 1st 1999 i got my double labrets. or, "fang-piercings" as some want to call 'em. but it only looks like fangs if you have rings, and i've always had barbells.
those 3 years at that school were horrible btw. the way i was treated. my friend Susanna started hanging with other people. going to parties. drinking. smoking.
i didnt do any of those things. maybe thats why i hate it when other friends do it. cus it feels like..i'm gonna lose them. like i lost her.
i got too boring for her i guess.
people made fun of me for the way i looked. i got depressed(not just because they made fun of me but it definitely had a part of it). i got suicidal. i cut my arms and sat in my room crying over my life. it was so pathetic. but i really felt like ...i didnt deserve to be alive. i spread no good.
i hated myself. i hated everything and everyone. of course no one noticed. i'd show my scars to a friend of mine. but my parents never knew until i told them years later.
my depression lasted for about 3 years. when i was 15, 16 and 17. it might have started earlier but i cant really remember.
i even wrote a suicide letter. i still have it in my diary.
every day i thought about jumping in front of the train. it was the easiest way to die.
but one night i sat cutting myself and i cut in the word "HATE" on my arm... or, i was gonna cut that word in but i only got to H A I. cus when i did the line for the T it got too deep and my skin just..really opened up. and it hurt like a mofo and i remember holding my hand over it cus it hurt and then just...its like it hit me, "what the fuck am i doing??" took my hand away and ..realised i was gonna cut in HATE on my arm.
that was the last time i cut myself.
third school. i went to this school not knowing anyone. in the school before this one i had 4 girls with me from my first school. but now i only had myself. and even tho i was scared shitless i was kinda happy. and looking forward to meeting new people. the first day was just to know who was gonna be in my class. but i got there like..2 hours early so i just stood outside waiting. someone called me ghost and casper but... i didnt really care that much about it(enough to remember it tho). it was in this school i really started noticing people staring at me. even after the first year people would still look at me.. i just dont get it. after 2 years too. they had already seen me a million times but still they just HAD to look everytime i walked by.
it was very annoying.
i made 3 friends. or, i made more than 3 friends but it was 3 girls who i was with the most. they were all very outgoing. could talk about everything and never feeling embarrassed about it. they loved talking about sex, especially two of them. i was always the quiet one. the one who was in the background. i didnt fit in with them at all except for the way i dressed. but they were really nice.
i managed to keep in touch with one of them for a little while after we graduated but...shes got her own life and doesnt need me in it.
so since i graduated last year june 5th i havent done shit.
or..i've become even more obsessive with Michael Jackson and spent alot of money on memorabillia.
and i'm so damn lazy too. more than i used to be. now i never go anywhere. if i manage to FORCE myself out to the store with my parents in the morning, i get soo tired for the rest of the day.
it's so sad.
and damn this got long. i doubt anyone will even read this so i'm gonna end it now.
over and out.
i never do anything...i'm home all the time.
and i'm so alone. i have my parents here at home with me but... i need friends.
i have Susanna, who i've known since first grade. i see her every now and then. but our only common interest now is Jackson 5. and i think we're only still friends cus we've known eachother for so long. so actually, i dont really "have" her. we do something for a day and then i dont hear from her for months.
i have Mette. but she lives in denmark so i cant see her.
but she's my best friend, even if i only talk to her through internet. that doesnt really matter.
shes always there, always "listening" to me when i have some stupid problem. we talk on msn almost every day.
she's not like other people, not so outgoing and ..like that. she's a little like me, but ALOT better. more caring and sweet.
i have Malene. also from denmark. i've known her since...september last year i think. a very sweet and kind girl. we had a fight and i wasnt sure if she saw me for..me. but now we're friends talking(also on msn) like normal again. shes a very positive and happy girl. even tho she hasnt had the best life she can still think positive about life. and i admire her for that. i was a mess before and i havent gone through half of what she has. but i also feel sorry for her for her moron of a father. i dont understand how she puts up with his...asshole-ness. he's just evil. but luckily her 18th b-day is coming up soon so then she'll move out. and i'm really happy for her about that.
from 1st to 6th grade i was in one school, then 7th to 9th in another school and then 10th to 12th in a third school.
first school, people weren't always that nice to me. they thought i was so shy and weird. but, it was because i was shy that i "got" weird. they thought i was weird cus i didnt want to talk in front of the class, or sing or do stuff that made other people look at me. if those assholes could've used their brains they would know that it's not WEIRD to be shy. i mean, i turn 20 in october, so that was years ago. i was like ...10 to 12(it was in those years they got really mean) so i should be over it. one might think.
but i'm not. it almost makes me cry when i think about it. nobody hit me or anything like that. they would just...say things.
like one thing i will NEVER forget. i liked Tupac(the rapper) back then and when he died, one of those bitches wrote on my desk "haha, 2pac is dead!" like it was a joke.
i remember when her precious boyband Take That split up(or maybe it was when that guy ...Robbie Williams left..it was one of those two) she was so upset about it but i didnt say a thing. i could've made fun of her and her shitty boyband but i didn't. and still, they were all alive.
yes sure we were just kids. but that is just evil.
if i would ever see her again and she would talk to me, i would spit in her ugly fucking face.
moving on... the second school. this was when you hit puberty and just got a tad more sensitive than usual.
and this was also when i started dressing more like i wanted. i mean, i had done that before too but then i didnt really care what i looked like. i just kinda dressed like everybody else. everyone did.
but now i was sick of that.
first i was a ..skater. even tho i never skated. :D
and i mean with a skateboard not ...on ice.
i had a skateboard but it didnt have any wheels, and when i got the money to buy them i had lost interest in it so..moo.
then i just had this...trashy skate-punk look. i really sucked at dressing myself. jeans that were torn and i had drawn on them and.. shirts and... i just looked trashy.
bought boots that were red and with some white and spiderweb lol i thought they were cool.
dyed my hair purple. this was in 8th grade. i also started wearing more black that year. and dyed my hair black too.
also started shaving undercut. and it seems like i took more and more everytime. :D
summer to 9th i had shaved my hair into a mohawk. the lenght was below my shoulders and i got my sister to braid in yarn. it looked cool. and i have no pic of it so that sucks.
this was also the time i started wanting a piercing.
and i pierced myself too. in the lip and my ears and my eyebrow i think. but none of them lasted very long. cus i did it with a safetypin(BAD idea).
or wait, i'm lying! i wanted a piercing when i was 13... uh, i have such a terrible memory. well it was around that time.
so anyway..
then on november 1st 1999 i got my double labrets. or, "fang-piercings" as some want to call 'em. but it only looks like fangs if you have rings, and i've always had barbells.
those 3 years at that school were horrible btw. the way i was treated. my friend Susanna started hanging with other people. going to parties. drinking. smoking.
i didnt do any of those things. maybe thats why i hate it when other friends do it. cus it feels like..i'm gonna lose them. like i lost her.
i got too boring for her i guess.
people made fun of me for the way i looked. i got depressed(not just because they made fun of me but it definitely had a part of it). i got suicidal. i cut my arms and sat in my room crying over my life. it was so pathetic. but i really felt like ...i didnt deserve to be alive. i spread no good.
i hated myself. i hated everything and everyone. of course no one noticed. i'd show my scars to a friend of mine. but my parents never knew until i told them years later.
my depression lasted for about 3 years. when i was 15, 16 and 17. it might have started earlier but i cant really remember.
i even wrote a suicide letter. i still have it in my diary.
every day i thought about jumping in front of the train. it was the easiest way to die.
but one night i sat cutting myself and i cut in the word "HATE" on my arm... or, i was gonna cut that word in but i only got to H A I. cus when i did the line for the T it got too deep and my skin just..really opened up. and it hurt like a mofo and i remember holding my hand over it cus it hurt and then just...its like it hit me, "what the fuck am i doing??" took my hand away and ..realised i was gonna cut in HATE on my arm.
that was the last time i cut myself.
third school. i went to this school not knowing anyone. in the school before this one i had 4 girls with me from my first school. but now i only had myself. and even tho i was scared shitless i was kinda happy. and looking forward to meeting new people. the first day was just to know who was gonna be in my class. but i got there like..2 hours early so i just stood outside waiting. someone called me ghost and casper but... i didnt really care that much about it(enough to remember it tho). it was in this school i really started noticing people staring at me. even after the first year people would still look at me.. i just dont get it. after 2 years too. they had already seen me a million times but still they just HAD to look everytime i walked by.
it was very annoying.
i made 3 friends. or, i made more than 3 friends but it was 3 girls who i was with the most. they were all very outgoing. could talk about everything and never feeling embarrassed about it. they loved talking about sex, especially two of them. i was always the quiet one. the one who was in the background. i didnt fit in with them at all except for the way i dressed. but they were really nice.
i managed to keep in touch with one of them for a little while after we graduated but...shes got her own life and doesnt need me in it.
so since i graduated last year june 5th i havent done shit.
or..i've become even more obsessive with Michael Jackson and spent alot of money on memorabillia.
and i'm so damn lazy too. more than i used to be. now i never go anywhere. if i manage to FORCE myself out to the store with my parents in the morning, i get soo tired for the rest of the day.
it's so sad.
and damn this got long. i doubt anyone will even read this so i'm gonna end it now.
over and out.