One Less Person...

[seven_313]

well, i guess i dont really have to worry about what billy will think when it comes to updating my livejournal anymore... he doesnt look at it anymore. he forgot. he only remembered once. and that was yesterday. i preoccupied him so he didnt look at it but then he forgot. i still would like him to read now and then, but right then wasnt the time. we were in a good mood! both of us! and my entries recently havent seemed the happiest now have they? ugh... i dont really want to remind him either, thats the sad part. in my head, its logical. its all up to him. if he really wants to read, he can. he knows the link is there. he knows the URL for it--my username too in case he cant remember that. if i tell him i noticed hes not reading... then he will figure im upset because of it. and im not. i just want him to do what he wants. if he thinks im upset then he will read it to please me. i noticed he wasnt reading my livejournal a while ago, actually. like... a little less than a month ago. i didnt notice through the fact that he wasnt commenting, however. it didnt register that he wasnt reading. at first i thought that maybe he just didnt have anything to say. a little stupid of me to think that now because there were plenty of things he would have said to many of my entries. but still... i didnt think that. i began noticing when i heard he was always bored, or when i would ask what he had been doing all day and he would reply with just "downloading music and looking up lyrics...". normally he would be entertained with something else, but i guess i took away runescape... i really didnt mind him playing as long as he didnt talk about it around me. i dont like it at all... its like a drug in my eyes. saying it is like a curse word that is so offensive that it hurts my tongue to form the word.. or my fingers to type it. he can play it all he wants, just as long as im ignorant to it. he chose to quit though. not my fault. i will still feel guilty... i dont know why i am commenting on this whole escapade with billy forgetting to read my livejournal. its not even worth being called an escapade. its just a thing. i dont know... i noticed as well that ive been changing. im not sure if its for good or bad, but its a change nonetheless... probably a change alex would have enjoyed. im not thinking of myself in this relationship as much as im thinking about billy. which is something that i dread him knowing. if he knew that, i cant even fathom how bad i would feel. i find myself not getting upset over things i normally would. i find myself not even saying if something is upsetting me. my family issues is one thing... something easily justifiable as far as getting upset is concerned. but the things i used to get worked up over im not anymore. or... not showing. alex would have liked that. i hate that more than anything...

well, its getting late. and it is now officially billy and my 8 month. 4 more months to go and we will have been together a year. fun.

*just to say... im not complaining. i am, in fact, not upset... and im not getting tired of billy. nothing is his fault. nothing is anyones fault. if someone must be blamed, then blame alex. he deserves it.*