(no subject)
arent friends wonderful? ...
i found out that ari and allie were lying to me. theyve been lying for a while.... i believed them... how stupid i feel now. things happened... and i was lied to, numerous times... everytime i was mislead, everytime i didnt think anything of their "friendship" i was being lied to.
i talked to ari last night. we arent friends anymore and at the moment, the only reason i would be talking to him right now would be to make him feel worse. i dont care anymore. i tried calling allie but she wasnt home. she called this morning and i was still tired so i didnt talk to her. i called back though! i talked to her for not even a full 5 minutes. i told her i knew and basically how pissed and hurt i was and she hung up! i figured that was it but i really wasnt done talking to her... so i tried calling back but no one answered. THAT was the end. i wasnt going to call back again. so i came in here and started writing this entry and she called back! i was surprised.. she was "scared" and thought i was going to come over and beat her up. psh... she knows me better than that. im not violent unless im just joking around or unless i need to be. i wouldnt go out of my way to hurt someone...physicallly. i calmly talked to her... giving her that "im very disappointed in you" tone. the conversation ended with me saying "well, i hope you had fun because you just lost a friend. dont expect to see me before you leave" (shes moving to alabama). i hope shes not worried that i would spill any secrets she shared with me because of this incident. friends or not, thats not what i do... i wouldnt tell any secrets. its none of my business to tell no matter what the circumstances.
oh, but the best part is: allie told me what happened. isnt it great? i called up david after i got of the phone with her and i told him what happened (i had talked to him online about it earlier) and then we got into another conversation. i told him that what happened with allie and ari tied into my relationship with billy... i have trust issues with people, especially people closest to me. in other words, i trust billy... kinda.. there are just some things i have issues trusting. and what happened with ari and allie lying to me reinforced my suspisions... i hate that! i was just starting to get over it and then they pull this shit! i tlked to david about it and he asked what i didnt believe him about... i told him it was about porn. i hate it more than anything... billy claims that he doesnt look at it-that he hasnt since weve been going out... david "reassured me" that hes lying and that he has... the reason i hate it so much is because... now i feel like when billy looks at me he will be comparing my body to the perfect, sexy girls he would look at naked. and im already insecure about my body... it worries me... and what sucks is i dont know what to believe anymore. i want to believe him... and when i dont i know he will be upset... just thinking about it makes me want to cry...
so ive lost two friends. oh well though... they werent friends... friends dont lie about these kinds of things..
and now im paranoid and i feel like i cant trust my own boyfriend. how wonderful....
='(
i found out that ari and allie were lying to me. theyve been lying for a while.... i believed them... how stupid i feel now. things happened... and i was lied to, numerous times... everytime i was mislead, everytime i didnt think anything of their "friendship" i was being lied to.
i talked to ari last night. we arent friends anymore and at the moment, the only reason i would be talking to him right now would be to make him feel worse. i dont care anymore. i tried calling allie but she wasnt home. she called this morning and i was still tired so i didnt talk to her. i called back though! i talked to her for not even a full 5 minutes. i told her i knew and basically how pissed and hurt i was and she hung up! i figured that was it but i really wasnt done talking to her... so i tried calling back but no one answered. THAT was the end. i wasnt going to call back again. so i came in here and started writing this entry and she called back! i was surprised.. she was "scared" and thought i was going to come over and beat her up. psh... she knows me better than that. im not violent unless im just joking around or unless i need to be. i wouldnt go out of my way to hurt someone...physicallly. i calmly talked to her... giving her that "im very disappointed in you" tone. the conversation ended with me saying "well, i hope you had fun because you just lost a friend. dont expect to see me before you leave" (shes moving to alabama). i hope shes not worried that i would spill any secrets she shared with me because of this incident. friends or not, thats not what i do... i wouldnt tell any secrets. its none of my business to tell no matter what the circumstances.
oh, but the best part is: allie told me what happened. isnt it great? i called up david after i got of the phone with her and i told him what happened (i had talked to him online about it earlier) and then we got into another conversation. i told him that what happened with allie and ari tied into my relationship with billy... i have trust issues with people, especially people closest to me. in other words, i trust billy... kinda.. there are just some things i have issues trusting. and what happened with ari and allie lying to me reinforced my suspisions... i hate that! i was just starting to get over it and then they pull this shit! i tlked to david about it and he asked what i didnt believe him about... i told him it was about porn. i hate it more than anything... billy claims that he doesnt look at it-that he hasnt since weve been going out... david "reassured me" that hes lying and that he has... the reason i hate it so much is because... now i feel like when billy looks at me he will be comparing my body to the perfect, sexy girls he would look at naked. and im already insecure about my body... it worries me... and what sucks is i dont know what to believe anymore. i want to believe him... and when i dont i know he will be upset... just thinking about it makes me want to cry...
so ive lost two friends. oh well though... they werent friends... friends dont lie about these kinds of things..
and now im paranoid and i feel like i cant trust my own boyfriend. how wonderful....
='(