Family, friends and foes
The craziness of life-
Vacation turned into a a pie chart of emotions. Often I would give the biggest slice to joy but so quickly it would be redivided and sorrow would interfere. The wedges kept changing size, as they do in life.
Saying goodbye to Aunt Doris was more difficult than I'd imagined. The Board and Care facility was wonderful and Hospice had been looking after her. Aunt Gale and I went it, dosed her with morphine, watched as she passed beyond responsive, held her hands and told her we loved her. We walked out of that tiny house, carrying a world of burdens, none of them ours to carry. Tears took over, so Aunt Gale took me to the adobe and shared some family history with me.
It was a good distraction. The old adobe had been donated to the city and is under the care of whatever restoration groups come along and offer money to rebuild it. I didn't really know much about mom's side of the family. I now know that we are related to the Dana's, the Borandas, and the Hiqueras- all prominent families in the county, all famous between Nipomo and Monterey. Somewhere in the mix is a Cherokee princess. No wonder mom has black hair! I wondered how I ended up with such dark roots after starting my life so fair. That would be the Spaniard influence.
Mom looked like hell. I had to have "the talk" with my brother again. I can't imagine that she's got much time left. The emphysema is worse than before and she looks so frail. Guilt is eating him alive. He promised dad he'd take care of her. He does the best he can but sacrifices his own needs for hers. I don't relish the path he's cut, but I am grateful he's there. I don't know if I could handle it.
Seeing my boy meant everything. I could handle all the sadness with the small amount of time I got to spend with him. Watching him with his sister was magical. It was silly and impromptu. It was one sibling challenging the other on any given topic. Quite the quick one, she is. She's giving her old brother a run for his money. My heart felt healed, laughing and observing their silly games with each other. Deep smiles.
There were some missed opportunities but time slipped away from us. Traveling home, I learned of my Uncle's passing. It was unexpected. He'd returned to his birthplace with his daughter, and fittingly, died shortly thereafter. My heart was heavy and it made the rest of the roadtrip home a bit weary and vacant.
Foes- Sometimes, a family becomes a foe. It's odd and un-explainable. I felt a cold distance between myself and my cousin while I was visiting. I didn't get to see him. I called and my call wasn't returned. We were once so close. He was spirited and funny. He loved adventures and he loved family. He put us first often, when life could have driven him away from us. I'm not sure how it happened, but these days, he's... out there in the land of the lost. I often wonder if his degenerative disease is fully affecting his brain.
So, here I am at work, feeling like vacation never happened. It turned into obligations with tidbits of fun thrown in. I think the next trip I take, I will be taking alone. I need to seek solace. I need to recharge. I need to leave all this negativity and pain behind. The physical pain only becomes worse when dwelling on the emotions of loss. Stress is the main culprit to my physical dysfunction. alleviate the stress-alleviate the pain. Tonight, I walk. Walk away the tension, the stress, the pain.
Vacation turned into a a pie chart of emotions. Often I would give the biggest slice to joy but so quickly it would be redivided and sorrow would interfere. The wedges kept changing size, as they do in life.
Saying goodbye to Aunt Doris was more difficult than I'd imagined. The Board and Care facility was wonderful and Hospice had been looking after her. Aunt Gale and I went it, dosed her with morphine, watched as she passed beyond responsive, held her hands and told her we loved her. We walked out of that tiny house, carrying a world of burdens, none of them ours to carry. Tears took over, so Aunt Gale took me to the adobe and shared some family history with me.
It was a good distraction. The old adobe had been donated to the city and is under the care of whatever restoration groups come along and offer money to rebuild it. I didn't really know much about mom's side of the family. I now know that we are related to the Dana's, the Borandas, and the Hiqueras- all prominent families in the county, all famous between Nipomo and Monterey. Somewhere in the mix is a Cherokee princess. No wonder mom has black hair! I wondered how I ended up with such dark roots after starting my life so fair. That would be the Spaniard influence.
Mom looked like hell. I had to have "the talk" with my brother again. I can't imagine that she's got much time left. The emphysema is worse than before and she looks so frail. Guilt is eating him alive. He promised dad he'd take care of her. He does the best he can but sacrifices his own needs for hers. I don't relish the path he's cut, but I am grateful he's there. I don't know if I could handle it.
Seeing my boy meant everything. I could handle all the sadness with the small amount of time I got to spend with him. Watching him with his sister was magical. It was silly and impromptu. It was one sibling challenging the other on any given topic. Quite the quick one, she is. She's giving her old brother a run for his money. My heart felt healed, laughing and observing their silly games with each other. Deep smiles.
There were some missed opportunities but time slipped away from us. Traveling home, I learned of my Uncle's passing. It was unexpected. He'd returned to his birthplace with his daughter, and fittingly, died shortly thereafter. My heart was heavy and it made the rest of the roadtrip home a bit weary and vacant.
Foes- Sometimes, a family becomes a foe. It's odd and un-explainable. I felt a cold distance between myself and my cousin while I was visiting. I didn't get to see him. I called and my call wasn't returned. We were once so close. He was spirited and funny. He loved adventures and he loved family. He put us first often, when life could have driven him away from us. I'm not sure how it happened, but these days, he's... out there in the land of the lost. I often wonder if his degenerative disease is fully affecting his brain.
So, here I am at work, feeling like vacation never happened. It turned into obligations with tidbits of fun thrown in. I think the next trip I take, I will be taking alone. I need to seek solace. I need to recharge. I need to leave all this negativity and pain behind. The physical pain only becomes worse when dwelling on the emotions of loss. Stress is the main culprit to my physical dysfunction. alleviate the stress-alleviate the pain. Tonight, I walk. Walk away the tension, the stress, the pain.