restless
4 a.m. woke me and I was in tears.
Not sleeping through the night is taking it's toll on me. This time, it was a dream and the emotions that flooded me when I woke up, causing my breakdown.
Everything connected to Dickens Faire weekend. Disappointments. Frustrations. Anger. Abandonment. Being hurt. It all comes down to being hurt. Save one, who is a hero. Rejection. Not knowing if the rejection was on purpose, though I think some of it was. Not understanding that type of coldness from someone. From several. Certainly not deserving it. That's the key, I didn't deserve that. And I'm too kind to say anything. Too soft to make it count. Yet, here it is again... I'm crying when all I want is to yell, "how dare you!".
It brings out mama bear. Because this wasn't just about me, it was about Tris, too. There lies the pain. I'm always over compensating to make up for her disappointments. He dad abandons her and I'll be damned if her holiday is ruined. We'll go have fun with people I care about. Not exactly what I hoped for, nor what I want again. BUt I gave her a great weekend. I managed. And eventually, my pain will go away.
Not sleeping through the night is taking it's toll on me. This time, it was a dream and the emotions that flooded me when I woke up, causing my breakdown.
Everything connected to Dickens Faire weekend. Disappointments. Frustrations. Anger. Abandonment. Being hurt. It all comes down to being hurt. Save one, who is a hero. Rejection. Not knowing if the rejection was on purpose, though I think some of it was. Not understanding that type of coldness from someone. From several. Certainly not deserving it. That's the key, I didn't deserve that. And I'm too kind to say anything. Too soft to make it count. Yet, here it is again... I'm crying when all I want is to yell, "how dare you!".
It brings out mama bear. Because this wasn't just about me, it was about Tris, too. There lies the pain. I'm always over compensating to make up for her disappointments. He dad abandons her and I'll be damned if her holiday is ruined. We'll go have fun with people I care about. Not exactly what I hoped for, nor what I want again. BUt I gave her a great weekend. I managed. And eventually, my pain will go away.