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OK, wow folks, drunkin dunkin' LJ style... oh dear. So I'm a little tipsy, searching to know why I love daquiris so much... oh sweet sweet rum.... anyhow, perfectly safe, chez mon cher ami Ben, watching Aviator. Never watched a movie drunk before. Fascinating. It's amazing. I woke up happy this morning after my first real good night's sleep since I've been home. Really, I sleep like I was eating rice with the angels, to quote a Lebanese saying. Haha. (I miss learning about other culture's idiosyncracies--Brazilian who saw a bunny in the moon... two ears.... I still don't see it.) I slept good because I realized that I am fucking painfully lonely in this town. The reason I slept well was because I realized that no man, no one night stand or random summertime affair will alleviate the real situation. The real situation is growing up and dealing with life no life's terms. The amazing thing about today (other than trying to type drunk and being a perfectionist about it--this is taking forever) that yesterday I realized I had to let go of the bullshit, cacamamy excuses I use for whatever reasons--all of which don't satisfy my need to learn, to grow and change, to live life. I can't use the bartender at the Dell to make me feel better about being back in the Midwest and being bored and lonely to tears. I cry myself to sleep a lot here. Not for pity reasons, I'm just going to be honest with you. This is a lonely life. I'm so grateful for the friends I do have. I hope I show them my gratitude and love. But then I realize that life is about being happy with oneself on a daily basis. Taking care of mind, body, and spirit, all together and in some sort of a balance (we all talk about how great balance is, but it's not being balanced that feels good, only the temporary coming to balance that is pleasing, followed by intense ennui and periods of rigorous monotony) and dealing with the humdrum tedium that I am not alone in in Omaha, but that is common to all humans. My girls help me learn that. We're a;; the same, get over it, doll. OK, so, what's crazy about right now is that my friend Ben is going drunkin' knockin' at his neighbor's house (don't worry, we're all way too friendly here in Omaha--I value my anonymity and miss the big-city-don't-fuckin'-talk=to=me attitude) to bum cigarettes. The crazy thing is that I'm not smoking. I know, I know, and I apologize. In fact, I make amends here and now. I admit that i have been wrong in the past to mistreat my body and soul in smoking so much, and in letting down my loved-ones each time I said I quit but failed--but dude, I saw a doctor today and asked for help. I'm drunk and I've not been drunk without smoking. I told Ben, giggling like a fool==I'm not going with you, I'll smoke and I don't smoke. Ha! Take that addiction! I really feel like I don't have to smoke today. I really feel like I quit smoking today, and I'm not going to forget anything about today, from waking up ready to face life, from being rested, from eating healthily and working out and taking care of business, and relaxing tonight with a friend and a movie. This has been an excellent day. Ok, I just wanted to share that. I think Ben is still smoking with the neighbor's, but I gotta go home. I see yet another few doctor's tomorrow--Eyes and back.... I'm so grateful for my mother's medical insurance. I'm spoiled. I love you all, good night.