Wherein I Lash Out In Pain And Anger
Well that didn't last long.
I no longer have any reason to keep things private.
She's gone. She finally told me she's not leaving him. She asked one last time if he and I were willing to talk and he just left. She gave him all the power and he exercised it the only way he knew how.
She's asked that I not reach out to her any more, and so I won't. But this space is ultimately mine so I'll keep using it to sort through my own turmoil.
The time I was involved with her and her husband were good, but clouded by so much drama and strife. Then the, what, 2, 3 months? of angst and upheaval that followed. I know I'm bitter and hurt here but what was it worth in the end? Great, I was shown this amazing way of being, I was brought into the light of day and felt engaged on a level I don't ever recall experiencing before just before being slammed back into the dungeons and told I'm never to leave again. So much more suffering has come from this than good. And to make it so much worse there were times when it almost resulted in so much greatness. Not just for me, but for her too if she was willing to pay the temporary price at hand.
In a story I once read the angels that fell from heaven in order to help humanity helped them build the Tower of Babel. The tower was physical but also metaphoric for the harnessing of the divine potential that humanity had within itself. Completing it would mean that they could take their places as gods themselves but just as they were on the cusp of completing it humanity began to crumble. Their will faltered. The tower collapsed and in so doing their one unified voice, the one language that they all shared, fractured with it. Their bid for ascension died and with it their ability to ever achieve their full potential.
Even as I'm lashing out I know I'm not being fair. She doesn't owe me anything because she happened to be the one that I fell in love with. It doesn't obligate her to sacrifice such a huge part of her life for me.
Well fuck it all. Net negative for all involved. For me, for her, for her husband, her children, our mutual friends, it all ends in shit.
I'm so angry, too, that I don't have a say in any of this. That I was along for the ride and at the mercy of others as they figured their own shit out.
And being honest with myself I'm angry with her. I'm angry it took so long to come to this decision. I'm angry at the decision she made even though I understand it. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be strung along for so long.
But more than all of that... I just miss her.
I no longer have any reason to keep things private.
She's gone. She finally told me she's not leaving him. She asked one last time if he and I were willing to talk and he just left. She gave him all the power and he exercised it the only way he knew how.
She's asked that I not reach out to her any more, and so I won't. But this space is ultimately mine so I'll keep using it to sort through my own turmoil.
The time I was involved with her and her husband were good, but clouded by so much drama and strife. Then the, what, 2, 3 months? of angst and upheaval that followed. I know I'm bitter and hurt here but what was it worth in the end? Great, I was shown this amazing way of being, I was brought into the light of day and felt engaged on a level I don't ever recall experiencing before just before being slammed back into the dungeons and told I'm never to leave again. So much more suffering has come from this than good. And to make it so much worse there were times when it almost resulted in so much greatness. Not just for me, but for her too if she was willing to pay the temporary price at hand.
In a story I once read the angels that fell from heaven in order to help humanity helped them build the Tower of Babel. The tower was physical but also metaphoric for the harnessing of the divine potential that humanity had within itself. Completing it would mean that they could take their places as gods themselves but just as they were on the cusp of completing it humanity began to crumble. Their will faltered. The tower collapsed and in so doing their one unified voice, the one language that they all shared, fractured with it. Their bid for ascension died and with it their ability to ever achieve their full potential.
Even as I'm lashing out I know I'm not being fair. She doesn't owe me anything because she happened to be the one that I fell in love with. It doesn't obligate her to sacrifice such a huge part of her life for me.
Well fuck it all. Net negative for all involved. For me, for her, for her husband, her children, our mutual friends, it all ends in shit.
I'm so angry, too, that I don't have a say in any of this. That I was along for the ride and at the mercy of others as they figured their own shit out.
And being honest with myself I'm angry with her. I'm angry it took so long to come to this decision. I'm angry at the decision she made even though I understand it. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be strung along for so long.
But more than all of that... I just miss her.