stop
acting like you really care about me,
stop acting like you really care about me,
when everyone knows that you only care when it's convenient for you.
when i'm depressed and suicidal and you don't want the guilt or blood on your hands; or when i bring upon some kind of glory to myself and you want to bask in it too
where were you when i needed you, when i cried sleepless nights? when i tried to hang and stop breathing and prayed to god i'd stopped being alive?
but when you cry you approach me first because you know i'll be there,
i wish i could do the same - rely on you too. on anyone, really.
do you remember? and this one stands out to me most. how on my 16th birthday, you opted to go on a vacation with your friends. you really planned that, went through with it, and left me on the morning of my birthday, alone in this sullen house. granted it wasn't just you, dad went and so did my brother. my sister was out from a sleepover the night before. but i trusted you, mum. i trusted you the most. you told me you loved me whilst you were leaving - how the fuck was i supposed to believe that seeing you do what you did?
other parents prepare so much for their kids on their 16ths, showering them with as much love as they can and giving them the best time they could possibly have - and i got this. and you know what i was thinking at the time? maybe - that's what i got because that's what i deserved.
and when you're happy, you don't even see me. but when life gets rough for you, you seek me out and cry on me. ask for my help. lean on my shoulder. and i let you. but let me ask, is that what i represent to you? sadness? better yet is that all i am for in your life?
i talked to my therapist. about most things. he told me that you were one of the reasons why i'm always on the verge of life and death. a step away from jumping off a high building or a knife in my midriff. at the time i was confused, but now that i've had time to think about it,
i don't know, mum. i always hoped i could be there for you, but maybe this time i need a break.
i need to be there for myself too.
because you know what?
no one is.
stop acting like you really care about me,
when everyone knows that you only care when it's convenient for you.
when i'm depressed and suicidal and you don't want the guilt or blood on your hands; or when i bring upon some kind of glory to myself and you want to bask in it too
where were you when i needed you, when i cried sleepless nights? when i tried to hang and stop breathing and prayed to god i'd stopped being alive?
but when you cry you approach me first because you know i'll be there,
i wish i could do the same - rely on you too. on anyone, really.
do you remember? and this one stands out to me most. how on my 16th birthday, you opted to go on a vacation with your friends. you really planned that, went through with it, and left me on the morning of my birthday, alone in this sullen house. granted it wasn't just you, dad went and so did my brother. my sister was out from a sleepover the night before. but i trusted you, mum. i trusted you the most. you told me you loved me whilst you were leaving - how the fuck was i supposed to believe that seeing you do what you did?
other parents prepare so much for their kids on their 16ths, showering them with as much love as they can and giving them the best time they could possibly have - and i got this. and you know what i was thinking at the time? maybe - that's what i got because that's what i deserved.
and when you're happy, you don't even see me. but when life gets rough for you, you seek me out and cry on me. ask for my help. lean on my shoulder. and i let you. but let me ask, is that what i represent to you? sadness? better yet is that all i am for in your life?
i talked to my therapist. about most things. he told me that you were one of the reasons why i'm always on the verge of life and death. a step away from jumping off a high building or a knife in my midriff. at the time i was confused, but now that i've had time to think about it,
i don't know, mum. i always hoped i could be there for you, but maybe this time i need a break.
i need to be there for myself too.
because you know what?
no one is.